Impossible to work it out?

[Jaylei]

I'm trying to work past the fact my boyfriend of 3 years slept with another girl when we broke up for a few weeks (5 months ago), along with moving past old trust issues of him seriously flirting with one of his female friends.

So last night I had another nightmare (possibly adderall-induced, it is finals time, after all! lol) that my boyfriend had been cheating on me with a random girl we know for months and was leaving me for her... etc, etc.. you get the idea.

My question is this:

How hard is it to move past something like this? I'm not upset at him for having sex with a chick while we were broken up, but I wont lie, it resonates with something in my soul and still makes me uneasy...

And why after 3 (to 5) freakin' years does this guy not know for sure whether he's happy with me or not? Is it because we're in our mid-20s and not really sure about anything? Should I just move on and wait for a more mature man?

I need some advice ya'll.... It's rather frustrating!

I just feel like I'm not as emotionally invested anymore bc of the breakup (his idea), him sleeping around, and then wanting to get back together. I'm not a freaking play toy! haha

He's really made an effort and been great the past few months, but it is just too late for us now?

[Gigabitch]

He broke up with you so he could bang that other chick, got it out of his system and got back together with you. The "serious flirting with a female friend" thing tells me this is likely to happen again.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, Jaylei, but you actually ARE a play toy. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he wouldn't break up with you so he could have sex with someone else without repercussions. That's emotionally irresponsible behavior, even if it is technically correct that you weren't his girlfriend at the time.

While you aren't upset that he had sex with someone else while you were broken up, aren't you upset that he clearly broke up with you for that reason and showed that he can do it again?

Why are you with this guy?

[CAM]

No brainer...move on. The guy is a dud and you are giving him the opportunity of stringing you along. Only a jerk would do this to a woman.

[Jaylei]

Actually, he hadn't even met the girl until after the break up... so that isn't true in a specific sense.

We both were unhappy and he was highly stressed out bc he can't find a job after graduation. I actually made out with a guy friend of mine first after the break up. Then I'm sure after I told him, he felt justified in having random drunken sex on his borthday.

The problem isn't that... it's just that its hard for me to move past. We really thought we were over, but apparently after us breaking up and continuing to hang out constantly and continuing to have sex occasionally, we figured it was worth a shot at making it work.

It's more a question of him growing up and deciding what he wants I suppose.. . I understand its hard to think about a relationship when you graduated 9 months ago and have yet to find a good job.

[Jaylei]

And yes, the girl is way uglier (not to mention larger) than me so its not a break-up to screw situation. Not trying to be conceited but it was obviously a drunken hook-up, I'm incredibly hotter and not a bad lay sooo... I dunno man.

He was just unhappy. He's always been unhappy and slightly depressed though... Really smart though...

But yeah, I know the girl he's friends with (whom he met the other chick through) so I know the situation...

Plus he came and confessed 2 days after it happened... said he knew it probably ruined everything but he really realized how I couldn't be replaced, that he was miserable, yadda, yadda, yadda.... he just wanted to be happy but realized breaking up wasn't the answer...

[Jaylei]

So am I still incredibly stupid for thinking it could work out?

Is he still a total douche in your opinion? haha

[CAM]

And yes, the girl is way uglier (not to mention larger) than me so its not a break-up to screw situation. Not trying to be conceited but it was obviously a drunken hook-up, I'm incredibly hotter and not a bad lay sooo...

So, your "selling point" is really that you are sexy and that you can make a guy jizz in you? You might want to build up an inventory of additional selling points (e.g. your mind, your classy behavior). Otherwise, you currently have minimal qualifications for being female. That's about it.

Look elsewhere. Dump his ass.

[Gigabitch]

He's still a total douche. You're really glossing over this thing about him flirting with his friend (and purveyor of ugly fatties to hook up with). What's up with that?

[Jaylei]

Yeah, ass... actually that was the "selling point" in reference to him leaving to "jizz" on another random girl... if you wanna be a dick about it..?

No, the reason we actually work to make things last is because we have so much in common:
ie:

-philosophical ideas
-politics
-religious (or, in our case) non-religious beliefs...

I mean if you really wanna go to town on my "qualifications" for being a female (which, last time I checked are literally only having one pair of XX chromosomes, regardless of sexual endowments- that would be a vagina, uterus & ovaries... just in case I need to clarify) then we can go there, because I guarantee you I'm not some dumb ass hot chick who bases her self worth on her ability to generate ejaculation.

Way to generalize. Who's the douche now? Geez...

[Jaylei]

Well, thank you Gigabitch for a logical response, its because that "friend" lives in Cali (we're east coast) and he's only met her once... It was completely online and so not really like anything would have come of it, ven though it was disrespectful.

That's the only reason I didn't dump him on his ass. And my definition of flirting might be slightly more strict than others, who knows...

[Gigabitch]

I'll bet it's not more strict than mine. That shit would not fly with me.

Plus, the guy doesn't have a job. I hate an idle man. They get into trouble.

[Jaylei]

Actually, he does have a job, and is actually looking for a second one to fill his spare time... just not one in the field which he majored in yet. But yes, it'd be nice if the larger corporations were hiring right now.

But I agree, I have a rather strict definiteion as well... Its just hard after you've been with someone for so long not to try to work past things which may have been deal-breakers beforehand. I guess that's with any long-term relationship though...

[Gigabitch]

Actually, I got more strict about these things the more serious I got, not more lax. If it's just some guy you're dating, then it's not really a big issue- no "deal" to break, you know?

My boyfriends had it easier than my husbands, that's for sure.

Are you thinking about keeping this one forever? If so, I'd start thinking about what you want to lay down as lifelong rules.

[Jaylei]

Yeah, we've planned on moving and getting a house together for the past year or so... the job search kinda de-railed that though... and the depression from all thsoe plans not working out is part of what got him I think...

Neither of us wants to rush into marriage, but we've definitely talked about it a lot. It'd just be nice if this whole job/money/career unhappiness thing didn't so directly affect our relationship.... but that's even worse in a marriage I think.

And yes, I've definitely laid down the laws as far as that goes. I'm obviously quite outspoken and we're both pretty logical, and we've agreed on those points. I just hope I can get past the kind-of emotional hurt and move on you know...

Just not sure if there's too many other things going on right now to complicate it all.... hmm...

[Jaylei]

I know what you mean though, logically that makes sense to get more strict with the level of commitment, and I think I'm a lot like that as well...

Its just that before him, I'd dump any guy on his ass in a heartbeat if I felt disrespected. Actually I didn't even get serious with any guys besides him because I just wasn't feeling it...

But after investing so much into a relationship, I make more of an effort to work through it and not let it happen again I suppose... I think thats what I meant to say the first time, lol