I feel jealous and insecure and I'm not 100% sure if it's justifyable

[Trilium]

I have a relatively new boyfriend. We both like each other very much and spend as much time as we can together, but he lives an hour away and we both have responsibilities, so we only see each other on the weekend.

We have a sexual relationship mostly but we also have newly fell in love, supposedly. It's still very new so I need time to build faith that this is really true. I know I love him in my definition of the word, but it has been unable to grow because I feel uncertain about him and I don't know why, it could be that there are things that give me pause or it could be from past experiences that make me doubt when someone says they love me.

For the most part though he makes me happy, but there are a few things that aggravate pre-existing insecurities.

I'm relatively new to relationships though I've had one that lasted several years, so I'm not sure how to deal with this variation. He has a lot of female friends, and that isn't what I have an issue with exactly, it's the things he's said to me.

One female friend was from his school and she kept asking him out or to go to get togethers with him. He said he kept saying no, then around halloween he went to one of her halloween parties then left, feeling like he was too old for it with all the scantily clad college freshman girls. But before that he told me he wasn't going to go. Also, he didn't invite me and he'd said it was because he didn't think I'd be able to come with my mom responsibilities.

That's one thing I dropped but it's still there if you know what I mean. Alone it's nothing.

But then he starts going out to lunch with this old friend of his from his old college. She's a virgin and wants to get married and actually asked him what it would be like since he's some kind of sex expert. Then when we get together, me and him, he says if she was interested in him he'd tap that. This was supposedly a joke but I got really upset about it at the time. He reassured me much later that she thought he was sinful or something and didn't approve of his promiscuity. So it's something that would never happen.

Now him and another classmate are getting closer. He even said he'd like to make her his school wife. She often talks about sex with her boyfriend with him but she also sells sex toys, so that must be like regular conversation. That upset me and I said it was because he said "wife" and that it bothered me that they talked about sex with each other when they were new friends of the opposite sex. He said that she was married which was a lie. He'd also said the virgin girl was married but she wasn't yet. He said well it's like she's married so you know what I mean.

So this last time that he lied to me about her being married I got upset with him again and told him not to lie to me again, and he told me to stop being a jealous girlfriend. I think I shouldn't have to even ask him not to lie to me, that should be common sense. I also think that he needs to have some boundaries instead of letting the girls he's talking to define them with their age or whether or not they have a boyfriend.

In addition to those things I've had issue with, he's a very sensual and giving lover and I like that about him. He's also nurturing and sweet past the prickly shell. We've been doing more together like building similar interests and starting to get into a routine, and building something more concrete. I'm just having trouble trusting him with this particular thing. He just seems a little too friendly with other girls, like skirting the edges sort of thing, and it's eroding new growth.

What I'm asking is, what can I do besides just try to trust him and see what happens? Does this seem like it might go away with time (the insecurity/jealousy)? Are my insecurities justifyable and am I right to get upset with him when I do, or am I over reacting? Part of me thinks he probably needs to grow up and stop calling me crazy/jealous when I want to talk... I need an outside perspective.

[imadesklamp]

Are you kidding me? If my boyfriend every told me he would "tap" a girl he knew personally if they were interested in him, I would leave him on the spot (even if it was a """JOKE"""). To make matters worse, he is lying to you about how these women are associated with are married. Why would he even bother to tell you that they were married in the first place? To make matters EVEN worse, he is taking to other women about their sex lives. What your boyfriend is showing you is not trustworthy behavior at all- it is a disaster waiting to happen. I would never want to be with someone like that. Save yourself and leave his ass.

[michelle23]

You cant trust him. Hes a player and hes choosen a long distance gf just so he can have his cake and eat it too. Your being extremely naive. Hes been cheating on you from the start, he lies to you all the time and is a sleazebag.

Jesus break up with him and find yourself a local bf that you can and do trust. And stay the f away from men who have a lot of female friends. Thats common sense. Its also common sense to stay away from men who have a history of sleeping around. No you cant change him. Thats co-dependant thinking. A leapord does NOT change his spots-not for you or anyone

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[Trilium]

You cant trust him. Hes a player and hes choosen a long distance gf just so he can have his cake and eat it too. Your being extremely naive. Hes been cheating on you from the start, he lies to you all the time and is a sleazebag.

Jesus break up with him and find yourself a local bf that you can and do trust. And stay the f away from men who have a lot of female friends. Thats common sense. Its also common sense to stay away from men who have a history of sleeping around. No you cant change him. Thats co-dependant thinking. A leapord does NOT change his spots-not for you or anyone

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You were both correct, I'm sorry to say. At this point though I don't feel I can trust anyone. There seems to be a pattern that I have bfs that cheat on me. I can't stand it happening again, so I need to understand what part of me cheaters feed on. It's probably my kindness and naivety. I don't like being mean. And the naivety is that I can be nice all the time, I really can't be. People like this like nice, to take advantage of it.

[Rowen]

Leave now.... He's only going to hurt you more.

[AnErin]

He thought he was too old to be at a party with a bunch of scantily-clad college freshman girls. BUUULLLLL CRAP! Ever hear of Hugh Hefner and his Playboy mansion? That is like dangling a steak in front of a dog.
He has a girlfriend (you) that is out of town. Another possibly bad sign.
He has (probably hot) girls begging to go out with him - most men would sell their souls to be in that position. Anyone in that position is not going to be faithful unless there is a LOT at stake like they are married and would lose their life savings in divorce, or they are married to Lorenna Bobbit.

And cheating on you? How do you know he doesn't have a relationship and YOU are merely "something on the side"? You might not be the primary.

This is going to be hard for you but you need to do one of two things -
1) See him as a weekend hobby. Insist he WEARS PROTECTION!
2) Drop his ass like a hot potato.

There is nothing wrong with dating several people if you are not wanting something steady. Please do not let yourself fall in love with this man like other women probably have as we speak.

If you choose the "weekend hobby" route, that is fine but if you want a steady B/F, you need to - KEEP LOOKING.

[michelle23]

You were both correct, I'm sorry to say. At this point though I don't feel I can trust anyone. There seems to be a pattern that I have bfs that cheat on me. I can't stand it happening again, so I need to understand what part of me cheaters feed on. It's probably my kindness and naivety. I don't like being mean. And the naivety is that I can be nice all the time, I really can't be. People like this like nice, to take advantage of it.

I dont think its that your "too nice". Theres nothing wrong with being a nice person. However, you do have to have standards and expectations-lines that you will not tolerate him crossing and you need to keep your eyes wide open in the beginning for red flags. Never ignore red flags!

Also if you have trust issues then why the heck would you even consider long distance? Hes miles away, you dont see him enough and you dont know the same people. If he was cheating on you in your territory someone would tell you eventually but its v easy to live a double life when you live in two different places..

My guess is you also have bad taste in men, probably v insecure and co-dependent (research it)

you need to work on you and set your standards higher

[smackie9]

Stop dating guys you can only see on the weekends...to me that is a red flag and an open opportunity for them to get away with pretty much anything. You need to find someone that wants you to be a part of their life, not someone to hang out with when it suits their schedule.

[Trilium]

I dont think its that your "too nice". Theres nothing wrong with being a nice person. However, you do have to have standards and expectations-lines that you will not tolerate him crossing and you need to keep your eyes wide open in the beginning for red flags. Never ignore red flags!

Also if you have trust issues then why the heck would you even consider long distance? Hes miles away, you dont see him enough and you dont know the same people. If he was cheating on you in your territory someone would tell you eventually but its v easy to live a double life when you live in two different places..

My guess is you also have bad taste in men, probably v insecure and co-dependent (research it)

you need to work on you and set your standards higher

Actually the schedule worked for me because I only have the weekends off from my little one to go do adult things. But I can see my errors now. I have researched co-dependency but I can say it hasn't done me much good knowing about it. It has been a struggle to figure out if the relationship I'm in at an point is healthy or not because I have zero examples of healthy, functional relationships to go off of. I doubt any of us are experts, and it seems to me the majority is groping around in the dark. Why else would people be on here?

But anywho, my problem is I clearly let a person get away with too much before leaving them but the thing is everyone has something broken about them, and everyone has different things they can handle before the breaking point of a relationship. It just seems the brokenness tends to result in the same thing in my experience, unfaithfulness to a partner. It's an unwillingness to be truly close to someone and experience intimacy and vulnerability with them, and an unwillingness to be truthful. This I think is used as a way to protect oneself from the pain that sometimes comes with truly loving someone.

There just aren't many people willing to open themselves up like that. I got hurt because I took a chance and there is no avoiding getting hurt when one is after what I am after. So I don't feel bad for being how I am. I make adjustments, I learn. Maybe someday I'll actually get what I want.

[smackie9]

That is what dating is all about...you have to kick a lot of tires to find the right one. Stick with YOUR expectations...have a check list. If they don't complete your check list keep looking. You can usually figure this out be the 3rd date. Being a single mom you can't date like a childless person. It's a whole new set of priorities because you and your child come as a package deal...not only do you have to find someone suitable for you but also for your child. You are not the first one on here to date someone while leaving the child out of the picture. We are aware that it is more difficult to find someone that is willing to be apart of a family, but IMO it's well worth the wait.

[Trilium]

That is what dating is all about...you have to kick a lot of tires to find the right one. Stick with YOUR expectations...have a check list. If they don't complete your check list keep looking. You can usually figure this out be the 3rd date. Being a single mom you can't date like a childless person. It's a whole new set of priorities because you and your child come as a package deal...not only do you have to find someone suitable for you but also for your child. You are not the first one on here to date someone while leaving the child out of the picture. We are aware that it is more difficult to find someone that is willing to be apart of a family, but IMO it's well worth the wait.

.

Well I intended to integrate any person I'm with into my whole life very slowly and carefully. Let's just say things have to go right with me first and foremost before I bring my child into it. I did that as a way to protect her. Not introducing until I'm sure. Not letting her get attached to a guy, then them leaving. That particular scenario isn't something I want to do... So I deal with the rejection by myself. heh. I mean I suppose my situation might be a bit different since her dad is there for her. I'm not looking for a father figure, and I don't want more children either. So... I suppose that makes me wonder what type of pool there is to choose from then lol. Someone just looking for a life partner I would hope, and is willing to always be kind to my little one if they even get to that point.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should tap one of his friends, them dump him.

[smackie9]

.

Well I intended to integrate any person I'm with into my whole life very slowly and carefully. Let's just say things have to go right with me first and foremost before I bring my child into it. I did that as a way to protect her. Not introducing until I'm sure. Not letting her get attached to a guy, then them leaving. That particular scenario isn't something I want to do... So I deal with the rejection by myself. heh. I mean I suppose my situation might be a bit different since her dad is there for her. I'm not looking for a father figure, and I don't want more children either. So... I suppose that makes me wonder what type of pool there is to choose from then lol. Someone just looking for a life partner I would hope, and is willing to always be kind to my little one if they even get to that point.

That was my point....dating is like a job interview...you need to put forward what you are looking for up front to be sure you both are on the same page....not falling for someone and then later seeing it wasn't going to work anyways. There are men out there that are looking for the same thing so there is no point in messing around with someone who isn't....you are just wasting your time.

It's a tough one yes....a delicate balance...just have to approach things differently. I know women fear that their expectations will scare them away....well in the big scheme of things that would be a good thing don't you think?

[Trilium]

I think you misunderstand though, he was aware of the fact I have a little one upfront. I didn't hide that. It's just when I get together with a new person I don't want to introduce my daughter right away. I think that's wrong. Besides that, what fun is a date if I bought a little one along. I'd be too busy tending to her. I expect a lot from a partner but I have no desire for my partner to have hardly any responsibility over my daughter. She already has a dad so I don't see the point.

[michelle23]

How old is your daughter?