why did he ask 'why am i so nice to him?!''

[issy12]

I’ve been with my boyfriend since december and its been great but since coming back from holiday he’s become really withdrawn…I know he’s been hurt badly in the past and hasn’t got great self esteem at all but now he is asking why am i so nice to him?? He says in the future he doesn’t want it to be i like him more than he likes me or more to the point i say i love him and he doesn’t say it back because if that ever happened we would have to part ways and he really doesn’t want that…and this doesn’t mean he likes me any less…I am so confused, he was ill the other day and i said was there anything i could do, i was really worried about him etc and he just withdrew from conversation. Please can anyone shed some light on this? He makes me happy and i don’t know what to do

[michelle23]

can you elaborate or explain this in more detail. i dont get what your asking.

[issy12]

i don't really know if he's withdrawing from me because he is losing interest or has had a mini freak out like guys do about losing his freedom by being in a relationship. he was absolutely fine before i went away on holiday but when i got back i knew something was up as his texts didn't seem the same and were almost stilted in tone? my sister got married at the weekend and it was so good with him there, we were getting on great etc and had a really nice day out sunday....but then monday he had to go to the doctors because he wasn't well, i said i was worried about him asked him was there anything i could do cos it sounded relatively serious you know!? but he pretty much withdrew from conversation and then yesterday asked why am i so nice to him? he has pretty low self esteem from previous bad relationships...he calls one a psycho ex from what she did to him! he has been cheated on and lied to and his parents don't exactly make him feel good about himself either...his mum has told him he is pretty much useless and i know he feels like the black sheep of the family living in the shadow of his 'near perfect' younger sibling. I just don't know why he has suddenly started being distant, i don't want to be with anyone else, he makes me happy i'm just confused as to why he is like this now and what i should do?

[LifeInflux]

This might be a little off point, but from what it sounds like, he may be withdrawing from the relationship little by little. It may be a situation where he's comfortable with you right now, but he isn't necessarily happy in the relationship, and this is his way of saying - "If things get more serious, we can't keep seeing each other". It sounds like he doesn't want to make a change right now. Maybe because he doesn't want to be alone, or he hasn't found a reason that you two need to break up.


In my view, he's planning on this relationship going nowhere, and he doesn't want you to fall in love or get excited about it, as this is his way of trying to protect you. He doesn't want you to be nice to him and show how much you care, because it makes everything that much harder.


I think you should talk to him about that, see if he's on the same page with what you want out of the relationship. If he isn't, then its better to go through the heartbreak now then later. That is, of course, unless you don't mind the issues and just want to have fun in a non-committal relationship.

[Maple1714]

Give him some space. He sounds like he is confused about his feelings for you or feeling guilty about something. Just give him some time to sort out his feelings and you take time for yourself as well. You don't need to have some big "let's give each other some space" conversation, just withdraw yourself. Contact him less and let him initiate everything for a while.

[issy12]

confusingly he said he wouldn't break up with me because he doesn't break up with people or he can't...but then he said he doesn't want us to part ways...

[LifeInflux]

confusingly he said he wouldn't break up with me because he doesn't break up with people or he can't...but then he said he doesn't want us to part ways...

That could mean he's just going to keep withdrawing and acting like a jerk until you break up with him....

[issy12]

i thought that . at my sisters wedding at the weekend he'd had a bit to drink....someone said to me and him 'itl be you next!' so i said 'thats never going to happen' (based on what he had said previously to me) and i heard him say 'well you never know'...i haven't mentioned having heard it cos he was tipsy at the time?

[LifeInflux]

You need to be confident in your relationship for security and to maintain your happiness. If he's flip flopping on how he feels its going to be a roller coaster. You can withdraw from him and see if he comes after you, but in the meantime it may drive you crazy not knowing whats going on.


On the opposite end you can speak with him about it, and see if you are on the same page in your relationship, and he could provide some insight, or he could just lie or shrug it off because he doesn't want a confrontation.


Theres no easy answer here. Most couples in this situation just ignore it until it gets worse... so theres that option too....

[issy12]

hmm. do you think if i withdraw him too he might contact?

[LifeInflux]

He might. But how would you feel if he didn't?

[Maple1714]

hmm. do you think if i withdraw him too he might contact?

Maybe. I think you should simply tell him, "Hey, I've sensed some distance from you lately. I'm not sure what you're feeling or thinking right now and it's confusing me". Tell him you care about your relationship and if he needs some time to sort out how he feels that's fine with you and you'll be there for him when he's ready to move forward. Keep it simple and nice. Tell him no pressure, you aren't going anywhere. Then, just back off for a while and let him initiate contact.

[issy12]

i'd feel pretty crap cos i don't know what i've done :'(. i guess i just wait and see. this sucks cos i was so happy before i went away on holiday and i thought he was too

[LifeInflux]

It doesn't have to be something you've done, or something you didn't do. He might just be going through some issues, or there could be any number of things going through his head. He might not want to commit, or he might just want to be alone.

It might not be anything like that either.

You can try giving him space or talking to him as Maple suggested. Either way I hope it works out.

[michelle23]

hun if his self esteem is that low-i doubt any relationship no matter how good it is will be enough for him. people with insecurity issues have a destruct button and its only a matter of time before it goes off. emotionally he is not in a good place and i doubt he is ready for a relationship. you cannot fix him so dont even try. his issues are his issues and he needs to heal himself. dont get your hopes up on this guy. he will prob hurt you. i wouldnt get involved with someone who has so much baggage but its your choice whether you stay or go

best of luck