its all my fault.

[william1976]

hi all, i have a problem and im not sure what to do now im heart broken but its my own fault.
I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and for the first 2 it was amazing for both of us, i live with my parents and my girl was always round stayin over just about everynight so when her parents sold up and emagrated the obvious option was to move in with me, all this happened 12 months ago, we had a very loving relationship and we got to know each other inside out, we was always telling each other we love one another and sex was great i knew i had found my solemate.
but after a while things went from bad to worse, i got very jealous when she went out with her mates just askin her questions all the time, so she stopped. i started askin who she was talkin to at work and whether she fancied anyone, i love her so so much but i just took her for granted and sex went down to maybe 1 a week, not beause of her i may add. what im tryin to say is that i got very insecure and i think it must of been beause i love her so much i cant think y else.
We had been havin blazing arguements over this and i said i would change so many times but i didnt, and she still didnt go out with her mates unless with me and was not very often.
well the mud hit the fan last saturday and i got home to find she had packed her bags and left with her best mate, i was deverstated i had never felt anything like it and im still hurtin now beacuse i know its because of my foolish ways. she is now living in the next village to me with her 4 mates all female, she has agreed to give it another go but will not move back in and will only see me when she wants and can also go out when ever and it has made me so happy but this is where i am so unhappy still and afraid she may be tempted to play around as all her mates are single. she still tells me she loves me but it doent sound the same as when she used to. i really think we have a future if only i can get over her not living with me and going out with her friends.. what can i do to get some security? do u think i have anything to worry about? im so scared she will do something when she is out why do i think like this? please help me

[Rach]

Well, not wanting to sound insensitive here, but you literally drove her away! Trust is a HUGE component in a relationship, and you seem to have NEVER trusted her. I am a firm believer in still having your 'own' friends even when in a realtionship, because if something happens in that relationship and you don't have any friends, then you're all alone. And, you were depriving her of this! I don't really blame her for leaving, I'm actually shocked she put up with it for as long as she did.

You need to do some soul-searching, and get over your insecurities before any realtionship is going to work out for you. If you still love this girl like you say you do, you HAVE to start trusting her! Let her hang out with her friends (single or not, male or female) and dont' give her any grief about it. Show her that you really do trust her and love her. But relationships always come crashing down if one of the partners is controlling, sort of like you were. If you do indeed want to work things out you really do have to change your controlling ways.

[william1976]

thank you very much rach your advice it was just what i needed to hear im very grateful,
i know my mistakes so hopefully that is the first steps to winning this problem over,
i love her so much i would do anything and i was so close to lossin her i know i cant ever go back to the way i was. ty again

[turbomx3]

Have you ever cheated on her (including a random kiss)? Do you not feel good enough to be with her? Why do you not trust her? Has she ever done anything that has shown or makes you think that you cannot trust her? Why were you controlling (cause it's deeper than just her friends)? Are you insecure? Did you used to cheat on girls?

Once you can answer these questions honestly then you will probably be able to sort out the trust issue! once you answer those questions to yourself you need to ask what you want from the relationship and you also need to show that you do trust your girl!

And stop with the distrust as the guy who fit my car alarm said if someone is going to steal your car it doesn't matter what alarm you have they will steal it. It's the same for partners if their going to cheat on you there isn't a damn thing you can do, not a damn thing!

[jakki2903]

Have you ever cheated on her (including a random kiss)? Do you not feel good enough to be with her? Why do you not trust her? Has she ever done anything that has shown or makes you think that you cannot trust her? Why were you controlling (cause it's deeper than just her friends)? Are you insecure? Did you used to cheat on girls?

Once you can answer these questions honestly then you will probably be able to sort out the trust issue! once you answer those questions to yourself you need to ask what you want from the relationship and you also need to show that you do trust your girl!

And stop with the distrust as the guy who fit my car alarm said if someone is going to steal your car it doesn't matter what alarm you have they will steal it. It's the same for partners if their going to cheat on you there isn't a damn thing you can do, not a damn thing!

I agree - as a girl - I was feeling all the insecurites you are feeling and part of me still does - it's silly - think about how you feel and how you'd never ever do that to her - she probably feels the same - but she doesn't need to feel insecure because you make her feel very secure. She cannot help not giving you that feeling - probably because she doesn't know how.

It's so hard but back off - when you see her next - have a bit of silence - try to turn the tables - at the moment she has the power and it needs to be equal - so you both feel secure. Just try it - I'm positive it'll work - let her go out with her friends - it's healthy and normal - girls don't go out looking to cheat and neither do men - there is alot of temptation out there but trust her and have faith - otherwise why are you together? I agree u do love her too much - but love her like she loves you - love is given freely and should be given back freely - why do we come upto barriers and insecurity issues? Because we put our own insecurites on others and they cannot handle it. I nearly lost my boyfriend because of it - now we are back to how it was when we first met - I trust him - he trusts me !