trouble in paradise

[honeymoonisover]

Hello, I’m new around here so go easy on me.

About two months ago I recently married my wonderful wife, this unfortunately caused a series of events that I thought was manageable but ultimately turned into a giant rat nest of problems that I can’t seem to make straight in my head. There are three major problems that happened:

The first problem started happening immediately after the wedding, she had taken on almost all of the responsibility of planning the wedding basically and poof it was over, but the depression from all the stress remained. She also seemed to be having some serious commitment issues dealing with the finality of marriage (she comes from a broken family). Although it was initially tough on me to hear that she had all these doubts I got over it, and I thought that it would blow over. This was the point we talked about maybe seeing a consoler.

The second problem we had happened two weeks after the marriage, a close friend of ours passed away from lung cancer of all thing.. he was in is mid 20s like us. This basically mixed things up emotionally for us and made it difficult to deal with problem #1.

The third problem, which has been making me question my sanity lately, happened about a week ago, we had been talking about how she was feeling depressed earlier that week but it seemed like she wasn’t telling me why, like she was holding something from me. Well I did something stupid.. when she went to work I got on her laptop and starting poking around, which I shouldn’t have done.. she had a password and didn’t think I knew it. I found images of her and another guy from her work at a park, she was very dressed up and it looked like images from a first casual date. They were taken while I was at work and she never told me about it. The worst part was her website history, she had gone to a lot of websites about infidelity and cheating and also websites explaining how to get an annulment to your marriage.

I confronted her about what I found, she got very defensive which is understandable since I just violated her privacy. She said she didn’t cheat on me and that she was going to the websites because she had been tempted to cheat and just wanted to read negative things about it. She won’t tell me any details, like what the date meant to her or what it was, was it a date? Is he just a friend? When I push for details she basically gets ultra defensive and says she doesn’t want to talk about it, and that she would talk about it with a marriage consoler present. We haven’t spoken very much the last week and we have a meeting with a therapist this Monday. This has been brewing for quite some time in my head.. I just keep picturing the guy and asking myself over and over ‘did she cheat on me?’

Sorry this is so long.. I tried to cut out as much as possible, I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this.

[vashti]

Wow, that sucks. How old are you both?

[honeymoonisover]

I'm 25, she's 24.

We are eachother's first love and have been together for 5 years. We have leared a lot and have changed a lot since first meeting.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, ****, you've got problems.

Yes, it was bad to get into her laptop, but you went there for a reason, didn't you? It's not like you're just some jackass who violates people's privacy all the time. You knew something was up and you went looking for evidence.

I've done this before, and what I found made me feel sick and angry, but I'm not sorry I did it because it brought the truth out into the light and I think it saved my relationship.

Your poking around could save your marriage. I hope it does.

Monday is a long way off.

[honeymoonisover]

yeah.. monday does seem very far away. With her work schedule and our initial minor seperation.. I've basically had just myself to think about all this.. and for about a solid week. I haven't slept well. She will talk on monday, If she doesn't.. I've prepared myself mentally to possiblely have to walk away from our marriage. I'm pretty sure I can't get over someone cheating on me or always feeling like they are hiding something from me.

[Gigabitch]

Hopefully, this is just a big cold-feet reaction on her part to getting married.

Marrying your first love is a huge risk these days. Our society doesn't really support marriage- look how many people cheat and nobody even bats an eye.

The only chance you have is to break this shit wide open and make sure it gets dealt with thoroughly. I'm so glad you're going to get help- I can't imagine how you could deal with this alone.

[honeymoonisover]

Thanks you've made me feel a lot better

I'm already armed with my jack hammer, this will be cracked wide open.

[Gigabitch]

I wish she would post on here as well. Believe it or not, I'll bet she feels worse than you do. At least you weren't contemplating cheating- she probably feels like an awful person.

[Male Man]

She said she didn’t cheat on me and that she was going to the websites because she had been tempted to cheat and just wanted to read negative things about it.

Somehow this statement just doesn't cut it. If I were you, it think long and hard about this situation. Seems that when the going gets tough...She's looking to escape instead of standing strong with you...Counseling is good....Good luck.

[carl1222]

Somehow this statement just doesn't cut it. If I were you, it think long and hard about this situation. Seem when the going gets tough...She's looking to escape instead of standing strong with you...Counseling is good....Good luck.

This is really wierd.

What Male Man doesn't quote is "... and also websites explaining how to get an annulment to your marriage." Two months into a marriage and she's looking for out??? Is she Catholic?

You may think she's a "wonderful wife" but a wonderful wife of two months(!) is not dating behind your back, refusing to talk about it, needing to talk about cheating because she was "tempted", and looking for a way out.

You need to stop the s**t and tell her that unless she gives you a MUCH better reason for her actions (forget the wrongness of yours), the depression of the wedding being over (lame beyond belief) or your friend's tragic death, that YOU will be exploring legal annulment (much better than divorce).

She has a freakin' boyfriend, and she's cheating on you ... 2 months after taking her vows (until December do we part???). How f**ked up is that??

Carl.