So confused! I thonk I love my friends wife.

[steve1968]

Looking for helpful advice. I am 41 and single, never married. My best friend of 22 years is married to this girl for the past eight years. I have known her for the 12 years he has been with her which includes the time they were dating before marriage. I have lived in their house renting the apartment below them for the full term of their marriage. Her and I have always been close, very good friends. I have had strong feeling for her for at least the last two years, but have kept them in check out of respect for my friend. She, for the most part, has not been happy in this marriage. He is very insecure and has trouble trusting her in anything she does without him. Even if she was to go out shopping with her Mom he would question her as to her true intentions and or why he was not invited. He even will not go out with me alone for some drinks. He feels the need to be with her every moment of the day outside of work and she simply feels smothered and betrayed by his lack of trust.

Anyway, eight months ago, she told him she doesn't love him anymore and wants a divorce. They currently have the house up for sale. Her and I have become even closer over the last eight months. I tried to do the right thing by my friend and help give him advice on how to fix things, but he will not listen and will not take any accountability for his part in this marriage. He has become very abusive mentally to her and has also hit her on occasion during a few arguments.

The turning point came when he basically accused me and her of having an affair for the second time in two years. I have lost alot of respect for him thru all of this, while being a friend to her during these hard times. She has cried on my shoulder. i have hugged her when she needed a hug. I will make her laugh when she is depressed. I have always been there for her, but my feelings are coming to the forefront now. And I don't know what to do? One night about six weeks ago, while he was at work, she started texting me, flirting on the phone, even sent me a picture of her lovely cleavage. Then, not even five minutes later she was knocking on my door in nothing but a bra. I was aroused and proceeded to make a move. I touched her. She seemed to like it at first, but then seemed to get scared and asked me to stop. I tried to kiss her, and she said she will not do that while married. She may have had intentions initially, but backed off. I'm guessing out of guilt and a respect for her vows. Which I can fully understand.

I know she likes me just by how happy she is around me. Her eyes and her body language as well are obvious. Ever since that night though, she has avoided me. She doesn't text me anymore, other than to wish me and my parents a Happy Thanksgiving. Nor does she make the occasional phone call, even if it is to tell me something as simple as someone coming to look at the house or that I have mail upstairs. She always made those calls. Now her husband is. I know she hasn't told him what happened or he would have confronted me about it. Plus, i have had some friendly conversations with him of late.

I am so confused. I can't stop thinking about this girl. And it is driving me crazy. Why is she avoiding me now? Is it because she is scared to acknowledge her feelings for me? Or is it she just doesn't feel the same way?. She knows I care for her and have feelings for her, cause I have told her. Never mentioned the word love though.

I know I need to move out of the house as soon as I find a job in this bad economy. What do I do? Should I approach her about why she doesn't talk to me anymore? Or let her be to think about things? I know she is not mad at me. I was upstairs the other day to help fix the internet on their computer. She seemed nervous, but talked to me a bit with him present as if nothing happened.

Please help. All advice is appreciated.

[speakerspoke]

OK I don't have to read any of your post, the title is self explanatory.

You don't hook up with your friend's wife! Or any ones wife for that matter!

Snap out of it! lol

[Spring Haze]

You're on board a crazy train, time to jump off.

If this incidence of your friend hitting his wife is not hearsay, terminate the friendship.

I tried to kiss her, and she said she will not do that while married. She may have had intentions initially, but backed off. I'm guessing out of guilt and a respect for her vows. Which I can fully understand.

Tell me at the age of 41 you are not this naive. This is called a PLOY to see what you would do, and/or an aim to receive 'validation' from another man, and you took the bait. She knows now what you would do, which explains why she is avoiding you.

Be the only rational person in this situation and get out. No contact with either of them.

[whaywardj]

If you want to contribute to creating a lot of hurt, anger, discord and confusion for a long while, continue as you are. Otherwise, let it all be entirely between them and stand back. Waaay back.

Frankly, all I see is you doing is gratifying your passions under the pretext of being there for her, which isn't your job, and excusing it by pointing to her husband's short-comings. A childish thing for someone your age to be doing, I'd say. And a silly thing for someone your age to let supposed friends get him tangled up in.

[IndiReloaded]

She's happy around you b/c you take her mind off her marriage problems. You are a distraction from them and prevent her from working on them, please understand this important point. By being her emotional tampon, you are actively preventing her from working on the problems in her relationship. Why should she work on helping her husband to fill her needs when she has you? Or, possibly more interesting to you--your support actually helps make her marriage problems more tolerable. If you really think she should divorce him, you are actually preventing this from happening in a more timely manner.

No doubt she's filling some needs of yours too, which is why you are mutually attracted. Since you aren't a couple, its easy to see things as all sweet and light b/t you. You experience only the best of each other, in a very artificial circumstance. You are like a drug to each other, numbing yourselves from the more mundane problems of life. Like sorting out the inevitable problems that come with long marriage.

If you can screw up your willpower and wrap your brain around a way to just switch off and break contact with this gal, it would be best. If their marriage doesn't make it, you can deal with any feelings you may have then. But meantime, its just what Hayward said: lots of hurt, anger, discord and confusion for a long while.

If you can't do this, you will either end up in an affair or shredded. Probably both. After that you, or she, will still end up breaking it off. Instead of it being the clean break you can have now (by clean I don't mean w/o pain, btw), you will have damaged yourselves and any potential future relationship possibly irrevocably.

Take the direct path from A to B across no-man's land, if you can. Good luck.

[steve1968]

Tell me at the age of 41 you are not this naive. This is called a PLOY to see what you would do, and/or an aim to receive 'validation' from another man, and you took the bait. She knows now what you would do, which explains why she is avoiding you.

Be the only rational person in this situation and get out. No contact with either of them.

No, Spring, I am not that naive...lol. I knew the situation, that she may be using me as a friend to take her mind off her marriage. But I needed to know her true intentions. And after that night I now know. But it's natural I still have feelings for the girl.
These past six weeks, I have done what all of you recommend. I have stayed clear and have not attempted to contact her. I have decided I will not get involved while she is married. If she eventually contacts me again, I plan to tell her I will not be her security blanket anymore.
The only unfortunate thing is I can't get her off my mind. I guess time will heal that.
Indie, thanks for the comment. It hit home. Alot of it is what I was already thinking, especially the 'emotional tampon' part. But you further validated my suspicions.

[Sallyx]

If you love her, you'll leave her, she'll do what makes her happy. But if you love her, leave her

[IndiReloaded]

Indie, thanks for the comment. It hit home. Alot of it is what I was already thinking, especially the 'emotional tampon' part. But you further validated my suspicions.

You are welcome Steve. Try to remember that she probably does love you. While that doesn't change anything about your situation, I doubt her motives are less evil than desperate. Try to remember this when you interact w/o letting it affect what you know you must do.

[Gigabitch]

Back the **** off of your friend's wife, Steve. What the hell is wrong with you?

[steve1968]

You are welcome Steve. Try to remember that she probably does love you. While that doesn't change anything about your situation, I doubt her motives are less evil than desperate. Try to remember this when you interact w/o letting it affect what you know you must do.

Thanks again Indi. I am going to hold on to hope that you are right about this. But for now, I have left them alone while I worry about my own concerns. She did go out of her way to wish me Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. And I took my first step from distancing myself from her when I politely denied helping her install her Itunes/Ipod on a new laptop. Told her she should let her husband help her, even though he sucks at it. She said she understands, but I'm sure she is kind of shocked, cause I would never turn her down in the past. I felt bad, but knew it had to be done, for my sake, and to send her a message. She apparently is not mad because two days later she sent me a New Years Heart on facebook. Just to me and her husband...interesting. So, that is where I stand. I will let her deal with her marriage and move on for the time being. It's so hard but I feel I am doing the right thing now...

[MVPlaya]

I disagree with Indi. I don't think she really loves you, I think she just wants to escape the situation she's in. I know lots of women who are in relationships and unhappy and they start to wonder what if and they begin to flirt with men for lots of reasons: attention, validation, happiness. Especially if you are a friend to her and she needs to get the affection she is denied in her relationship in some way, and you present an opportunity. She is probably aware of your attraction to her, and she probably needed that feeling, but needing that feeling does not mean she needed you.

I have had my friends girlfriends hit on me many times, I know it doesn't mean they love me or want me, sometimes they just want attention. Sometimes other girls are giving me attention and they just want to prove to themselves, or to the other girls, that they are attractive to. Hell, some girls will go out of their way to arouse guys who they have no attraction to because they need to be reminded that they have that power. So when a girl is down and life is not going how she wanted, then she will do some desperate things for validation, especially if she is insecure or recent events caused her to lose self-confidence.

Maybe there is more to your situation that I don't know, but nothing you've posted indicates that the attraction is mutual. Considering your feelings towards her you will want to interpret her actions as being caused by attraction, but it won't necessarily be true. Keep your distance, this is not a route you want to go down.

[okman43]

you want to know if she loves you?? then leave!! tell her the situation isnt right and you dont want to be any part of it. tell her her when and if the situation is right that you will be there for her but until then you moving on with your life.