The ex is sliming his way back into my life...

[ReneeA]

Okay. Now the jerk wants me back.

For those of you who may have read my situation already and for those who didn't....girl (me) meets guy in another country. they are friends for awhile and eventually fall in love and decide to be together but guy has girlfriend but still wants girl. girl continues to keep in contact with guy after leaving country. after 9 months of being with guy, guy dumps girl and tells girl that he wants to stay with girlfriend and that girl "should've known" and that they got "married" which he lied about just to show me his commitment to her.

In my case, he dumped me and did it in the worst possible way. ie hanging up the phone when i called, treating me like i did something wrong, not having the balls to even call me and dump me. This all happened on November 15th, 05 to be exact. For the last month or so, I haven't called him or made any attempt to contact him and neither had he.

Then...on December 27th he txted me saying merry christmas and have a prosperous new year and Good luck. Yah, good luck. I didnt respond and i had a feeling that i should be expecting a call. Then about three days later i got a mysterious phone call about 9 pm from a private caller. It was him. He asked me why I hadn't wished him a merry christmas and i told him that i didn't know. (I was shaking,having heart palpitations and I was breathing heavily) I didn't know what to say. He pretty much demanded that i wish him a merry christmas and i refused. When i got a hold of myself i told him that i have nothing to say to him until he stops playing games and says to me what he should be saying .....SORRY.

That convo lasted about 3 mins. I hung up and he sent me a txt saying, and I quote, "2 tell the truth i really missed u. And wanted to hear your voice. Sorry for treating you the way i did it was how i know.More love throughout the holidays!"

Pfff.... I didn't respond.

Then later he sent me another one asking me why i wouldn't acknowledge him. WTF? Anytime i had tried to call him he'd hang up the phone on me or tell me that i wasn't "comprehending" that he didn't want me and now I'M supposed to acknowledge him? So later that night he called me at about, 3 AM and i cussed his a** out.

Anyway. we started talking the day after and he apologized and i FINALLY got the answers that i had so desperately wanted. I asked him why he would break up with me in such a disrespectful way and he said that at the time he felt it was the right thing to do but that now he know that i didn't deserve it.

I was straight up with him and i held him accountable for every last thing that he did to me and didn't let him make any excuses. We continued to talk and on New Years eve he asked me to do him a favour and call him at midnight. I asked him why and he said to just do it. I told him Id think about it. I'm sure he just wanted to have me be the first person that he speaks to in the New Year. He's the weird sentimental b*ll s**t type. Any way I did cuz i was drunk and feeling... we'll, you know. so we talked and joked around again later that night but i still brought up the past and i wasn't about to let him think that everything was ok between us. He told me that he was wrong and that he made a mistake by choosing "her", and that he loves me and wants me in his life. He asked me if we could ever be best friends like we were before we became intimate and I said I didn't know but really I know that it's very possible as long as he's truthful with me. We both agree that we miss the friendship the most.

I don't want him back right now and I let him know that. He told me to be prepared for the future and that what is meant to be will be. I told him to stop manipulating the situation and telling me things that i already know and that just because what is meant to be will be, doesn't mean that we are.
I've decided that if he and i do have a future together then he'll have to be a man and meet and surpass my expectations especially since he broke my heart the first time around. I'm not taking him back because I haven't fully healed yet. It still hurts but I'm not crying anymore.

question : 1)Should I consider him a good guy that made a horrible mistake or should i just forget about him and

2)What do you guys think about taking an ex-boyfriend/or girlfriend back?

[whaywardj]

In order for something like that work, you both have to meet each other again entirely afresh. Neither of you can have any expectations of the other, harbor any grudges or hopes, or presume you know anything about each other that will be of any help in reconciling. If you both can do all that, and you both still have even the smallest of feelings for each other, chances are good you can find footing together again. But the moment either of you have even the slightest expectation that is NOT based solely in the present as it unfolds for you both now, then it won't work.

[ReneeA]

i totally agree and i see what you mean. i know that in order for there to be a future for us then i would have to just let it go, but i don't know how i could do that if I'm not sure whether he's being sincere or not about his apologies. I just don't want to get screwed around again.

The thing is, normally i wouldn't even bother with him and i'd tell him to go suck a d**k but I love him and I knew (as much i could've possibly known) that he would eventually call to apologize because what he did was wrong and i didn't deserve it and we were nothing but great to eachother and for eachother. He had even proposed to me and asked me to be the mother of his children. I guess i kinda understand why he would be so mean to me just to convince himself that he really did want his girlfriend but now there's no trust.
I held him accountable for his s**t. I told him that he cannot expect me to fully believe and trust him b/c he's still with his girlfriend. I told him that he can't want right and be doing wrong at the same time even if he's apologizing to me. He had told her about me and we even did the whole childish 3 way calling-grade 7- scenario, so she knows about me, but they are still together. which is whatever to me. but i told him that he needs to be fully honest with her so that she can make her decision. they've been together for 6 years. It's hard for me to believe anything he says. He had said alot to me before in letters and in poems, which are now ashes. I dunno, I miss the a**hole and i'm a forgiving person in nature. I just don't want to get hurt again.

[misombra]

dump him. then forget about him.

[vashti]

I agree with misombra. Why would you even entertain the idea of getting back together with any seriousness? Are you a glutton for punishment?

[ReneeA]

hmm...a sado-masachist maybe, but i'm no glutton and trust me I wanted to tell him where to go.... But like i said I don't want a relationship with him right now. Yet, I believe in second chances. I don't know about you but I've made mistakes in my life too. I'm not entertaining the idea of a relationship with him (that was before he shread my heart into itty bitty little pieces), but I do love him and I really felt/feel that there was something about him that just felt right. And even after everything and before his apology i still have that feeling cuz it was a beautiful thing and I had to let it go cuz he didn't want it.
Now, hes expressing deep regret, but I'm not taking things lightly and I told him that it would take a long time for us to even be friends again so i don't see a relationship happening anytime soon nor do i want one with him. I just don't see myself cutting him completely out of my life now that he's apologized.

[whaywardj]

I'm more tolerant than most of other people's foibles and am not prone to throw out the baby with bath at the first -- or even second or third -- discontent. But I never attempt to recover trust once it's broken. I don't believe it's possible to recover broken trust. I do attempt to build a new trust which is greater than the one that was destroyed. Whether or not someone is being sincere in what they say or what they intend is irrelevant to me. I pay far more attention and give much more credence to what they do while I'm trying to build that new trust.

On the other hand, I'd also not have any intimate contact at all with anyone who wasn't free and clear to give me 100% of their commitment, if that's what I wanted of them.

[Tone]

ReneeA - you should have stuck to your guns and ignored his calls / not allow yourself to talk to him. I say don't let him get away with this.

Let's look at the situation.

You meet him, he likes you, he has a g/f though. So he has to make a choice of which girl he wants.

He wants his girlfriend, so he dogs you, doesn't even give you any respect and treats you like garbage he no longer wants.

Now suddenly he wants you?

Hmm... I wonder what has changed... AH! Could it be that things didn't work out the way he thought with his NUMBER 1 choice (the g/f) so now he is going to PLAN B... option NUMBER 2 - YOU

And you're falling right into his plan.

It's not worth it. I think if you fall into his trap, and go back to him - the next time a 'better' deal comes along, in his eyes, he's probably going to do the same thing to her he did to you, or hurt YOU again to go to her - why? Because he has got away with it before, he hasn't been burned yet by it, so why not? I say you put your foot down, hold your ground, and don't let this guy get his way with you. Not to mention it's a long distance / overseas thing... darlin I say you forget him and move on.

You deserve no less than to be someone's number 1 choice. Not number 2, not the backup plan someone goes to when things don't work out with their number 1 choice. Not to mention the way the jerkoff treated you when he did cut things off... to me that just is a warning to how he will treat things later on in the relationship (if you should foolishly get back involved with him) WHEN (not if, but WHEN) things go wrong. Do you want to have him hanging up on you, not answering calls, ignoring you, etc anytime he is upset with you?

Just think about it.

Good luck with your decision and the situation... I hope you meet a nice guy close to you to help you rid yourself of this problem.

[alice]

dear renee,
i fully agree with tone – i have already given someone his second chance and it turned out the same desaster as the first time – and when i say "same", i mean exactly the same, words spoken, things done – before it was over and since.

right now he is trying to "slime his way back into my life", same as before, but this time i won't let him. that is, i hope i'll be strong enough to maintain my not-answering-his-calls/not-acknowledging-his-existence routine, because otherwise he'll go on hurting me forever. last time i kept it up for almost a year until i accepted his "i'm sorry" and "i still love you".

being dumped for the second time, to become interesting again as soon as he sees you're doing fine without him, and his new girlfriend is not what he really wants after all, doesn't hurt less than the first time. (when i took him back, i was naive enough to believe i'd grown stronger and wouldn't let him hurt me again – bullshit!!!)

anyway, what i'm trying to say is: dump the jerk – he'll hurt you again, if you give him the chance to. he'll do it again and again as long as he gets away with it without being burned – just like tone said.

[ReneeA]

Thanx for the advice everyone. I really did think about it and I decided that it would be in my best interest to just leave it alone. I realized that he was being very selfish and I got the chance to tell him what i really think about him and the situation. I told him that I don't ever want to hear from him and that he treated me like a dog and that he treats his girlfriend even worse. I told him that my life has been better without him in it and that I'm too good for him anyway. I really think I'm getting over this! Thanx guys!

[Tone]

Glad to hear, ReneeA.

Best of luck, stay strong, and chin up.

Same to you alice!

You girls be tough and don't let these jerkoffs come back to you!

[alice]

hey renee,
how you doin?
still sticking to your resolution?
i'm asking because my rotten ex tried to call me last night – three times between half past two and four (must have been dead drunk and feeling lonely). i didn't answer, looks like i've really learned from my mistakes.

and, tone: thanx for your wishes!

[ReneeA]

Hey alice,

I'm not going to lie. I think about the jerkoff everyday. But so far I've been successful in not contacting him. I'm constantly giving myself reminders of reasons why I shouldn't call him even though it's beyond obvious. It was the end of a dream for me, but it's time to let it and him go. It's those damn "what-ifs?" y'know? Hopefully soon I'll stop thinking about him. I know that it's getting better cause when I'm drunk I don't get upset about it anymore. (pathetic, I know, but true). I'm pretty confident that I won't call him-it hurts too much to hear his voice anyway.

I'm glad to hear that you were able to avoid his calls. I don't know if I would've been able to do the same thing especially since he called a few times. I probably wouldve given in the third time-but I'm a pussy.
I've realized that now it means that I/we have to make different opinions about our exes. We thought so highly of them and thought that they wouldn't hurt us or treat us badly, but now that they have, it's hard to come to terms with who they really are. I want to love my ex for who he is -bad faults and all- but I'm not going to do it at the expense of my happiness. Fair enough?

[Tone]

Huh? So you're going back?

[alice]

no, you got that wrong, tone, nobody's going back with noone.
i know what you mean, renee, i feel exactly the same!