Thoughts on taking bastard boyfriend back?

[ShortieCutie]

I met the love of my life almost four years ago, and now he finally realizes that he wants to be with me. But let me explain from the beginning. It will be long so bear with me.

When we met we were freshman in college, and we clicked really well but he had a girlfriend and only wanted to be friends....I was happy to be his friend but I did not make it a secret that I wanted more. I felt like I was in love with him.

He cheated on his girlfriend (with a different girl) and they broke up, but he still did not want to be with me romantically. I always felt like there were sparks, but nothing physical happened between us until the summer after our freshman year, when I went to see him and we hooked up a few times. I was really excited because I thought we were going to have something serious and this is what I had wanted all year long.

I was really excited and exercised really hard and was looking good by the time we got back to school. However, I quickly realized he had no intention of dating me - he hooked up with someone else the first week, and he started dating another girl a few weeks later. Their relationship only lasted a few weeks and wasn't that serious. That girl was annoying, anyway.

So anyway, they broke up and again I told him how much I wanted to be with him and he agreed to an open relationship. I was really happy. A few weeks later he realized he really did want to be with me and it was a closed relationship. But he was crude and immature and even though I loved him it hurt me to be with him so I broke up with him in late October.

He had sex with one of my good friends that night. But then in the next few days he told me how miserable he was without me and how much he wanted to be with me, and part of me wanted to be strong and not take him back because he had been a bastard, but another part of me loved him and could never see him hurt.

Needless to say I took him back. We stayed together for almost a year. It was a great relationship and I was happier than I had ever been. He was really sweet to me and really cute, plus we had SO much in common in terms of, well, everything. I really felt like we were soulmates and going to get married. He got along really well, with my mom too, and she really liked him. I met his parents as well but they didn't like me as much, although I figured I would grow on them. Parents aren't supposed to like their daughter-in-law, anyway!


There was the one problem of him cheating on girlfriends in the past and him being very flirtatious. I would get jealous sometimes, and I thought there was something going on between him and one of our mutual friends. He denied it, and I decided I would show him I wasn't jealous by trying to hook up with her myself. It was a dumb decision in hindsight. He said that was the beginning of the end, and the relationship just went downhill from there. He broke up with me a bit later.

I was very upset, but I figured we would break up and get back together like we used to do. At first I wanted him to think I was fine without him. We had a housewarming party later that week and I tried to be really happy so everyone would think I was fine, but I got drunk and bawled my eyes out over him. How could he do this?! I loved him!

We continued to be friends and he would come over occasionally and we would talk. We clicked so well and I was definitely still in love with him. But he said really mean things about me behind my back and told all our friends how happy he was that he didn't have to deal with me anymore and how miserable I had made his life. One time I got into a car accident and I was in the health center and I really just wanted him to be there with me. I sent him a text message hoping he would come but when he got it he laughed and told his friend I was a needy bitch and needed to move on.

He was a jerk but I know it was true love because despite all this I still loved him. Or it may have been because no other guy wanted to be with me. Regardless, I told him I still loved him in December when he was drunk and hoped that he would return the feelings but he just left when I told him that. Damn.

The next semester I guess he got really horny or something because he started looking everywhere for ass. He made out with at least a dozen girls and then started dating someone, although he maintains it was just for the sex. Once around this time he asked me a question about my sex life and I told him that I wasn't going to tell him because I didn't want to know anything about his - if I convinced myself he didn't have one maybe I could convince myself he was still in love with me.

We were friends on and off, sometimes talking frequently sometime not for weeks.

Then, the beginning of next semester I was abroad and he told me he was seeing this other girl. She was way more attractive and smarter than me. It hurt because although he had been seeing girls before, he hadn't had a serious relationship since me, and I always hoped he would come back to me. But they dated for awhile and he would hold her and tell her he loved her and all that jazz- he probably used all the same lines he had used on me. I know he didn't respect me or our relationship during this time - he always told her how annoying I had been and how he had been embarrassed to go out with me. He also told her all sorts of things I had told to him in confidence and was a real bastard about them - for example, he laughed at the irony when he jokingly told her about the irony that my therapist died while she was counseling me about my childhood friend's death. How could he be so insensitive?! And once they were talking about sexual assault and he said that he didn't believe I had actually been assaulted because I wasn't attractive enough. How could he say that?!?!

Despite it all, I still loved him. We still talked occasionally online, and one night, while he was still dating her, he was slightly tipsy and we were talking and he realized that he had loved me all along and that he wanted us to be together. I was shocked and surprised and happy all at once! He wanted to be with me! He broke up with the other girl the next day and told me he wanted to be with me again. It's like everything I wanted in the last 2 years is finally coming true!! But I am a bit hesitant because I consider myself to be a strong feminist and don't need a guy to be happy, especially not one who treats women and in particular me, the way that this one does. But I honest to goodness love him and think we will get married someday. Should I take him back??

[Viraj]

At all costs stay away from him. The love is one-sided on your part, and this guy is a complete jerk. You can find some one better, because you deserve better than him.

He's constantly cheating on you, and it sounds like thats his nature; to cheat, no matter how 'cute' or sweet he gets, he's nature won't change.

[TheSphinx]

But I am a bit hesitant because I consider myself to be a strong feminist and don't need a guy to be happy, especially not one who treats women and in particular me, the way that this one does.

I'm calling b.s. on this one, Shortie.

Just look at how much time you've invested posting on this fellow, despite the fact that you "don't need a guy to be happy."

It sounds to me like this fellow has no idea as to what he really wants.

I also think that you haven't really taken the time to determine what you want in a man and a relationship.

Lack of standards will usually result in poor results, and that, in my opinion, is what you will be heading for if you don't establish some soon.

~Sphinx

[Illusional]

wow that's long.. it's a good thing for the scroll down option. however, i did read your last line... should you take him back?

imo, you are allowed to get burnt once in your life, but if it happens a second time, then you deserve it.

raverboy

[vashti]

I'm sure feminists everywhere will not appreciate you aligning yourself with them when you refuse to act on your own behalf and do the right thing.

[ShortieCutie]

Thank you for your replies. I know he has hurt me in the past but I really think it is true love and that I will never find someone else I could love as much as I love him. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. I was really hoping for some stories about how an ex messed up in the past but then realized what he really wanted and after that was great in the relationship and it worked out. Does anyone have an experience like this? Do you think it can happen if I give him a chance?

[vashti]

No. I don't think so.

Do you walk around wearing a "kick me" sign on your back?

[melita13]

I know what it feels like loving someone so much that you can't imagine your life without him, but hey if he's been a bastard in the past he's going to be one in the future...best thing to do is try to move on and find someone who really appreciates you all the time not just when he feels like it.

[GrkScorp]

I met the love of my life almost four years ago,

He cheated on his girlfriend (with a different girl) and they broke up, but he still did not want to be with me romantically. He had sex with one of my good friends that night. One time I got into a car accident and I was in the health center and I really just wanted him to be there with me. I sent him a text message hoping he would come but when he got it he laughed and told his friend I was a needy bitch and needed to move on. he always told her how annoying I had been and how he had been embarrassed to go out with me. And once they were talking about sexual assault and he said that he didn't believe I had actually been assaulted because I wasn't attractive enough. How could he say that?!?! But I honest to goodness love him and think we will get married someday. Should I take him back??

I've taken the liberty to shorten your story, please take the time to read it, and see if it makes a little more sense..

Now, I know it takes some time until it fully sinks in and hits you.. so you can feel free to read the short version over and over again, as many times as you like, but don't read it right now.. not yet..

Before you read it, and before you start to realize the irony and humor in your story and account for events.. try and understand how different emotions and feelings are from logic and reality..

I'm not saying you're living in a fantasy-land or in a dream-world; I know it can come off that way, but that's not at all what i'm trying to imply.. It's just that.. a person's point of view really makes a world of a difference on how that person feels and connects to what happened..

I remember my first time in college, giving a speech, in front of 800 people, to join some stupid club or student body.. I didn't even really care much about it.. But when I got up there on stage.. I could feel the juices running through my body, I could feel it tingle, and start to turn numb, I could feel a mild sensation in my head as I was reading the words I had with me.. and that sensation was growing, stronger, spreading to the rest of my body, making me feel nervous, and dizzy.. and I started to notice how my breathing started to change as I was reading these words, much fuller, longer, deeper, breaths.. and as my breathing started to get heavier, more excited, while saying them out loud, the words, it seemed like the audience wasn't there.. but they were there, listening..., just listening, and looking at me.. not knowing how I felt, or what I was thinking, but just looking and listening, not feeling.. they didn't know what it was like.. what if felt like, to be in that same room.. focused on the same topic.. but from a different point of view..

In reality, there was no reason to be nervous, I was just reading words off a page, in front of students like myself, about a dumb student body that not even 10% ended up joining anyway because everyone in college is lazy.. But it felt quite different.. because at that moment, I wasn't thinking, at least not with logic.. I was not thinking; just feeling.. and you don't feel with logic, logic is only good for thining.. there's no room for logic with feeling.. with feeling.. there are just emotions.. irrational emotions.. that have no logic, have no contact with what is real.. they may not even be real.. but they FEEL real.. because at that moment, that's what your emotions tell you.. that what you're feeling..., is real.. it becomes your new reality.. but in this departure from logic.. this new reality, is an irrational and unrealistic one.. only, you don't know about it yet..

But all it takes, is just a moment, to step back.. and start to come out and away from those emotions.. away from feeling.. and back to thinking.. back to logic.. back to reality..

And as you do that.. and as you read the short version over and over again.. you'll start to notice your own story, from a different point of view.. until.. you realize on your own, what exactly this new point of view means for you.. and I don't know how many times you'll have to re-read it for yourself until you start to realize that.. but when you do.. the most important thing, among many others, that you'll notice for yourself, is your own value.. your own self-worth.. and what exactly that means for you.. so when you feel that you're done reading the short version.. when you feel that you finally get it.. re-post, and tell us how that feels.. not what you realized, you don't have to tell us that.. just tell us how it feels to realize that for yourself..

Best,

GrkScorp

[anachronistic]

How can you love someone that you call a "bastard"?

Oh wait, it's oxymoron.

[misombra]

i can't even pretend to be naive enough to believe that this girl isn't gonna back over and over again to this guy until he goes away forever.

[Mish]

for example, he laughed at the irony when he jokingly told her about the irony that my therapist died while she was counseling me about my childhood friend's death. How could he be so insensitive?! And once they were talking about sexual assault and he said that he didn't believe I had actually been assaulted because I wasn't attractive enough. How could he say that?!?!

Despite it all, I still loved him. We still talked occasionally online, and one night, while he was still dating her, he was slightly tipsy and we were talking and he realized that he had loved me all along and that he wanted us to be together. I was shocked and surprised and happy all at once! He wanted to be with me! He broke up with the other girl the next day and told me he wanted to be with me again. It's like everything I wanted in the last 2 years is finally coming true!! But I am a bit hesitant because I consider myself to be a strong feminist and don't need a guy to be happy, especially not one who treats women and in particular me, the way that this one does. But I honest to goodness love him and think we will get married someday. Should I take him back??

Hi Cutie. I can't help but read what you posted and interprett this post as a post on self value. I liked Scorp's summary of the events. Please read it very carefully. What I see is happenning is you continuesly lower your own value and heighten his value in realtion to yours. You lower his value based on your experience with him, with all the crazy things he's done and all the nasty things he's said and then something strange happens. You raise his value again above yours for an unexplained reason to justify your lowered perception of self worth which is to explain the feelings you have for him.

The logic behind it (from my point of view anyway) is that even though he's really mean and he's done so many bad things to you he is very desirable, he has success with other women and lots of people find him attractive. While looking at your own self perception you are finding it very hard to say the same about yourself. His success with others is givng you a perception of aritifical value, a value that he doesn't really have, when in reality the only dominant perception you should be focusing on is his history and the value of his personality, value of him as a person. This is the most important value of all that you should be focusing 100% of your attention. Can you answer yes to any of these questions?

1. Is he a good person?
2. Will he treat you fairly?
3. Will he ever change for the better?
4. Can you see yourself having a good future together without all the drama that you're already experienced?
5. Can you trust him?

Those are the main value builders that should decide if the person is right for you. How many no's have you counted to the above questions? Be honest with yourself and now try to answer your own question:

"Should you take him back?"

[ShortieCutie]

Thank you for your thoughts. I really honestly feel like we have gone through so much already and that he wouldn't have come back to me if he didn't really love me. He could have many other girls but he chose me so I feel like it was meant to be all along. Yes I think we can have a great future together. I do not think I can trust him to be faithful to me but I think I will allow him to have sex with other people because I don't think he would be faithful otherwise. But I see us getting married and having a happy life together. He has changed a lot and has apologized many times for what he did and says it will not happen again. I know logically or rationally it may seem that he is not a good guy, I know him very well and I think he is a good person, he just is a little confused sometimes but he cannot be blamed for that. If I look at just the bad parts of the relationship it hurts but there were many good parts too, I really love him and spending time with him and talking to him. Over the two years we were broken up I never stopped loving him one bit. Sometimes I think it may be because nobody else ever expressed interest in a serious relationship with me but I think even if someone had I would still love this man. Even though sometimes I feel stupid to be back with him and I know everyone thinks I am pathetic and have no self respect I cannot help but love him and I do think things will work out for the best. Nobody has had a positive experience in a situation like this? Maybe I will be the first...

[Mish]

I do not think I can trust him to be faithful to me but I think I will allow him to have sex with other people because I don't think he would be faithful otherwise.

I'm confused

You believe you will have a happy life with an unfaithful partner? You believe he is a good person even though he is unfaithful and will never be faithful to you? You believe you don't deserve any better?

Nobody has had a positive experience in a situation like this? Maybe I will be the first...

If nobody has a positive experience jumping off a bridge, would you be the first to have one?

Do you think that there is a chance, a posibility, a reason why everyone's point of view is very similar on this subject matter? Do you think this is very coincidental or there's an actual reason justified by years of personal experience of others why it is this way?

And I guess, most important question of all, have you already made your decision? Because if you have, there is nothing that anyone can do or say that will make you look at this situation from a different perspective and this thread may as well be closed.

[1averagejoe]

The fact that he cheated on his ex should be enough of a reason to stay away. Once a cheater always a cheater. He's a player and he's going to play you.

Take peoples advice...move on. If he'll do it once he'll do it again. People usually don't change, and I HIGHLY doubt he will.

You deserve what you keep, do you really want that? You already answered your own question, you called him a bastard, clearly you know what kind of person he is but you're hoping people here will reassure you that it's ok for you to get back with him. Well it's not! Stay away from him. Don't set yourself up to get hurt, because you will. Don't let your emotions make decisions like this, think logically emotions will screw you over. And how the hell are you going to have a relationship with a guy you know you can't even trust?

As for the one you want to marry...hate to break the news to you, but I don't think he wants to marry you. He's just looking for a good time. Sex in other words. If you take him back you're only proving to him that he can walk all over you and get away with it, and he'll do it again. I'm sorry but you need some commonsense bitch slapped into you. You came on here looking for peoples advice and everyone has told you not to get with him, but you still want to.

Like others have said, everyone gets screwed over once, but you deserve it the second time around.