Please help me. My ex boyfriend, now my best friend, poss wants to date others...?

[spriteone]

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 2 years. Since we had a horrendous breakup, we cooled off for a couple of months and then became best friends. We have been best friends now for nearly 3 years. NO SEX. However, we spend nearly every free minute together.

The other day we were watching TV, and things got weird.
He walked outside and told me that since he was getting older (he's 41 now, I'm 31) and he wanted to find someone and start a family and that I needed to back away.

I cried and cried, and the next few days he backpedaled a bit, and doted on me night and day, went out and bought me a bunch of my favorite things, told me he wasn't interested in anyone else yet, we were still 'friends', he was still 'here', and that nothing had changed. He did not say he wanted to be with me, however.

Again, we have not had any kind of sex in 3 years, fyi. He had one girl he was interested in about 3 years ago, around the time of our breakup (who I 'caught' him making out with immediately after we broke up), but none that I know of since then. He always comes home immediately after work and calls me, or I come over.

Again, we spend all of our spare time together, I have a key to his house and come and go as I please, all the time, and he constantly buys me gifts and expensive things, takes me out to dinner, etc.

However, he states he does not want a relationship with me in that way. That much is clear, even though he backpedaled a bit. We had never even discussed this issue in the last 3 years until that night, as hard as that is to believe.

Even so, we've spent every Christmas and Thanksgiving together for the past 3 years (as well as, of course, the 2 before that). He's constantly buying me little gifts and trinkets, fixing up my apartment and doing things like changing the tires on my car.
Why, if he doesn't want to be with me? I haven't pressed the issue because I was giving him 'time' and he's never liked 'heavy' conversations. Now look what's happened.

Also, one thing that might be important... He is a very attractive guy with a great job. I, however, gained quite a bit of weight a bit before and during/after our breakup, nearly, gasp, 100 lbs. I had fallen into a deep depression for multiple personal reasons and it got completely out of control. I have lost 25 in the last month -- I had some sort of epiphany, and I didn't want to be that way anymore, but have a long way to go.
All of his past girlfriends that I've seen pictures of have been absolutely beautiful, as I used to be before my drastic weight gain. Sigh. Just to be clear, I am losing weight now, at a rapid clip, just through diet and exercise, and he knows this. I want to be my old self. I was well on my way back when this 'conversation' happened.

Here's the deal: I want him back. Period. Does my weight have anything to do with him not wanting me anymore? He says it has nothing to do with it, but I think it must -- especially with him being so very attractive and with such a high-profile job. He says he doesn't want to get back together because 'it never worked and it was too up and down' and he just wants someone 'sweet' (which I am).

I would do anything for this guy. Why did he backpedal about wanting me to back away? What's really going on? Is it my weight? Anytime we disagree on anything, even unrelated to this issue, he won't engage and leaves the room. I never remember him being so dismissive of me before.
What's going on here?
He doesn't like to "overanalyze" things so talking to him about it is difficult. He'll just tells me: "go with the flow, everything's fine right now , let's change the subject. I'm still here. Let's talk about something fun."

Please help me, someone. I want to know what YOU think. What's happening? Do I have any hope? Am I going to lose him? What's really going on here? Level with me, please... I promise I want the truth, even if it hurts. Please, please tell me what you think.

[nerdy_guy]

I don't think weight is the issue. Why else would he do and buy those things for you? He would've just stopped everything he's doing if your weight mattered. He is looking for someone 'sweet' which you claim you are. But you never addressed the issue of 'up and down' The guy wants more stability in his relationship and he feels you can't provide that. So being sweet is not enough. Somewhere at the start of you post, you said you cried and cried when he said that everyone needs to move on. You were his girlfriend, now you are his best friend. If you cried and cried, do you think he'll just leave it at that? If he did, he'd be an animal right? So I believe he backpedaled a bit to give you enough time to slowly adjust to the though of him being just a friend while not letting you cry in the process.

A more positive perspective might be something like this, although I do not wish to give you false hopes but, it is also possible:
Maybe after you cried, it got him thinking that you and him has got a good history already and he wants to rebuild from there. for now, he is just observing you if you have made changes in your life that would merit getting back with you again.

I guess you should not rush things, and just keep making your life better. Don't expect a lot, just live life day by day and be happy he's there. Should he move on, just be supportive and don't give him any burden. He'll appreciate that, and would continue to be your friend. Should he find some good changes in your life, then maybe he'll gradually warm up to you again.

[phys251]

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 2 years. Since we had a horrendous breakup, we cooled off for a couple of months and then became best friends. We have been best friends now for nearly 3 years. NO SEX. However, we spend nearly every free minute together.

The other day we were watching TV, and things got weird.
He walked outside and told me that since he was getting older (he's 41 now, I'm 31) and he wanted to find someone and start a family and that I needed to back away.

I cried and cried, and the next few days he backpedaled a bit, and doted on me night and day, went out and bought me a bunch of my favorite things, told me he wasn't interested in anyone else yet, we were still 'friends', he was still 'here', and that nothing had changed. He did not say he wanted to be with me, however.

Again, we have not had any kind of sex in 3 years, fyi. He had one girl he was interested in about 3 years ago, around the time of our breakup (who I 'caught' him making out with immediately after we broke up), but none that I know of since then. He always comes home immediately after work and calls me, or I come over.

Again, we spend all of our spare time together, I have a key to his house and come and go as I please, all the time, and he constantly buys me gifts and expensive things, takes me out to dinner, etc.

However, he states he does not want a relationship with me in that way. That much is clear, even though he backpedaled a bit. We had never even discussed this issue in the last 3 years until that night, as hard as that is to believe.

Even so, we've spent every Christmas and Thanksgiving together for the past 3 years (as well as, of course, the 2 before that). He's constantly buying me little gifts and trinkets, fixing up my apartment and doing things like changing the tires on my car.
Why, if he doesn't want to be with me? I haven't pressed the issue because I was giving him 'time' and he's never liked 'heavy' conversations. Now look what's happened.

Also, one thing that might be important... He is a very attractive guy with a great job. I, however, gained quite a bit of weight a bit before and during/after our breakup, nearly, gasp, 100 lbs. I had fallen into a deep depression for multiple personal reasons and it got completely out of control. I have lost 25 in the last month -- I had some sort of epiphany, and I didn't want to be that way anymore, but have a long way to go.
All of his past girlfriends that I've seen pictures of have been absolutely beautiful, as I used to be before my drastic weight gain. Sigh. Just to be clear, I am losing weight now, at a rapid clip, just through diet and exercise, and he knows this. I want to be my old self. I was well on my way back when this 'conversation' happened.

Here's the deal: I want him back. Period. Does my weight have anything to do with him not wanting me anymore? He says it has nothing to do with it, but I think it must -- especially with him being so very attractive and with such a high-profile job. He says he doesn't want to get back together because 'it never worked and it was too up and down' and he just wants someone 'sweet' (which I am).

Sounds like some self-esteem issues could be coming into play here. Don't be afraid to tackle this--there is no shame in seeking outside assistance.

I would do anything for this guy. Why did he backpedal about wanting me to back away? What's really going on? Is it my weight? Anytime we disagree on anything, even unrelated to this issue, he won't engage and leaves the room. I never remember him being so dismissive of me before.
What's going on here?
He doesn't like to "overanalyze" things so talking to him about it is difficult. He'll just tells me: "go with the flow, everything's fine right now , let's change the subject. I'm still here. Let's talk about something fun."

Just a heads-up, most guys I know DESPISE relationship drama or having "the talk."

Please help me, someone. I want to know what YOU think. What's happening? Do I have any hope? Am I going to lose him? What's really going on here? Level with me, please... I promise I want the truth, even if it hurts. Please, please tell me what you think.

If he moves on, what's your plan? Are you going to go out and date?

[Nimrod44]

If it's true that he wants to find someone, get married and have kids .. and you aren't "the one" .. you do need to back off. Spending every free moment together as friends isn't going to help either of you move on. I'm surprised this has gone on for three years, longer than your relationship was.

Maybe, once you aren't as available he may consider you as a girlfriend again. If not, it wasn't meant to be. The only way to tell is to back off, give him his keys and stop the daily contact.