Just not mean to be or just need to work harder?

[spaceballs]

APOLOGIES FOR THE REALLY LONG POST, STARTED TYPING AND JUST KEPT GOING, THINK IT HELPED PUT THINGS IN TO PERSPECTIVE FOR ME BUT WOULD STILL BE INTERESTED IN ANY COMMENTS ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY MANAGES TO GET THROUGH THE WHOLE THING MAY HAVE

Hi folks, just trying to figure out my current relationship situation, it's a long story!

Basically started going out with a girl a number of years ago. When we were together we got on great and everything seemed perfect. All our mutual friends kept saying that we were meant for each other.

Anyway, we both had good but very very timeconsuming jobs, both of which required a large amount of travel, a lot of which would be foreign and would mean you could be away for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. This led to times where, in spite of us both living in the same city, we could go for a month or two without the two of us being in the city at the same time. After only seeing each other 4 times in a little under 6 months we were both starting to feel unhappy. Not really with each other, but just feeling that the relationship wasn't moving forward due to how little we were seeing of each other. We were getting to know each other through emails and phone calls rather than on dates and sharing experiences, we were building a great friendship rather than a relationship.

We had been going out a little under a year when we had a weekend away planned for her birthday. But, and there's always a but, on the Tuesday, two days before we were meant to go, I got a call telling me I had to head away for work that Friday and could be away for up to two months (the last minute notice was part of the job at the time).

Anyway, needless to say she was not too happy about this at all. I was a little disappointed with her reaction as we both work in the same industry and she had often been called away at short notice herself so I would have expected her to understand my position. Although, admittedly she was always better for making sure she made time for us whenever she could than I was. At the time I was very committed to progressing in my job and even when I was not travelling would still regularly work 7 days a week.

We didn't have a fight over this, to this day we have still never had one, but we did spend the full day before I left talking about where our relationship was going. She wanted to give it a go but I ultimately decided that it would be best if we resigned ourselves to just being friends. She was quite upset at the time but by the time I was getting on my flight the next day I had a text from her agreeing that it was for the best but promising to remain friends.

For the next few years we remained just that, we would keep in touch on and off over emails and met up a few times for a few drinks and a catch-up. And after each time we met up I'd end up wishing that I had agreed with her and gave the relationship a bigger chance. During this time I found I was comparing any girl I dated to her and ultimately deciding that they didn't measure up.

Then early last year, Feb 08, my work situation changed, I got the promotion which I had been working towards for years that meant I would be based in my office most of the time, only being away one or two days at a time rather than one or two weeks.

Not long after this we both ended up on a night out with a group of mutual friends. Unknown to us at the time, our friends had the whole night planned and disappeared one by one as the night went on until it was just the two of us left. Their plan worked and we ended up spending hours talking about everything and anything, After probably a few drinks too many, we came to the topic of why we didn't work out the first time and wondering if, now that I wasn't travelling as much as I used to, if we could make it work if we tried again.

We agreed to give it a go but not to put any pressure on it and just take it a week at a time. We kept it pretty quiet at first and didn't even tell many friends. After the first month or so we both started thinking that maybe it was going to work this time, and we had probably spent more time together over that time than we had over the year the first time we were going out. So we decided that we would officially become a couple again.

The next couple of months were great, we were still having the odd week or two away from each other but they were not as regular or as long. Then queue the next "but".

Last June she was asked to move to Australia to manage a project down there, literally the other side of the world They wanted her to move over in September.

We spent the first month avoiding the subject but we ultimately knew we would have to discuss it. She really didn't know what to do and told me that if I asked her to stay that she would. However, it was a huge opportunity for her and represented a massive step in her career. After knowing our original relationship a number of years ago ended largely because I had put work first I knew I could not ask her not to do it now. We discussed all options, me giving up my job and moving over there, us trying the long distance thing, meeting up half way every few months.

We agreed that if we tried the long distance thing that she would find it very hard to be over there with me staying at home, since we had gotten back together it was noticeable that she was even finding it harder and harder to go away on her shorter trips. We agreed to break-up, again We agreed that if we're both single when she gets back we'll give it another go but that the long distance would not work.

Anyway, she's been gone 10 months now and really likes it over there. We were originally keeping in touch once every few weeks with email, just back to being friends. But this was slowly been becoming more and more regular and for the last month or two as we get closer to her coming back home, these have become daily emails.

Again, queue the next "but", I got a call from her at two o'clock in the morning on Friday to say that she has been told that the company want her to stay over there for another year. Due to the recession her job back here is no longer secure so they want her to stay there. We ended up spending 3 hours talking over Skype that night and again discussed our relationship, something that we had actually purposely avoided on our emails during the year.

Whilst she has been away I have not dated anyone, I didn't make a conscious decision but I guess it has been in the hope that we would get back together as soon as she got back, and she told me on Friday that she has been thinking the same. Again, she tried to convince me to move over there but especially during the recession I cannot give up my job now as there is no guarantee I could get any good work over there. Based on this, our current decision seems to be do we put our lives on hold for another 14 months or do we decide to move on.

Apologies for the excessively long post, but it has actually helped me typing it. I started it thinking that maybe it's just not meant to be, but after having typed it all out and remembering the times we've actually had together whilst doing it, as few and far between as they've been, it seems like we haven't actually fought hard enough to make it work and I think it's about time we start.

[lostinconfusion]

wooow this is such a touching story. from where i'm sitting i think 14 months is not a big deal to wait. i mean you could move on and end up with other ppl but don't you think you'd end up wondering what would have happened if you waited more? this all of course depends on your ages and what you want in the family department. you have to figure out your long term plans. family and career. i think at some point you guys will have to make some career sacrifices in general if you want kids because you are both obviously workaholics. anyway if you are still thinking about breaking up you have to ask yourself if you will ever really be able to let her go completely. best of luck to you both. it seems like you share a really beautiful love and i hope you can work it out. :-D

[IndiReloaded]

Just over a year isn't so long. Unless you can find a good job in Oz, I would stay put. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that. Plus you young ones have things like Skype, which we didn't. We had to make due with letters and such.

Go visit in Oz, tho its an awesome country.

[Yggdrasil]

I would suggest, based on your story and since it appears that you both are for some reason still committed to each other after all this time and despite all the problems, that you stay put for another year and make a decision then.

Eventually you guys are going to have to make a decision as to how work arrangements will be, because it's pretty obvious that this can't go on forever.

I think your main problem is the field you are both working in, which requires working abroad. One solution for example could be that she (since you are now mostly working from one location) considers changing careers.

It's probably asked a lot, but again: the main problem in your relation with her is work related.

Of course, decisions like that only can be made by you guys, not by us.

I suggest you guys have a long adult talk about this and see what you guys can come up with.

The big question will be: who will be the main income and who will be the follow up? In the olden days the rule was that the woman would follow the man, but times have changed. There's no shame in a man following a woman.

It all depends on how much one of you is willing to sacrifice career wise and invest the benefits of that sacrifice into the relation.

I hope I am not to incoherent with all this and that it makes sense to you.

[spaceballs]

Thanks for your sound advice guys.

We are both in our late twenties and the work we are in, a section of journalism, basically requires you to spend years working huge hours and travelling a lot before you might get to move in to management where you have people doing that side of the work for you. This is the promotion that I got last year and she was hoping to get once she got back from Oz. That's one of the reasons we thought that we could definitely give it a good go once she got back.

One thing that does concern me is that while we know we do the friendship side of things really well, we still haven't had long enough together to really get to know each others little quirks. We've never lived together or anything like that, and it feels like we're putting aside a large portion of what is generally taken to be an important time in peoples lives on the assumption that everything is going to work out. Like what happens if it turns out that she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle, or worse still leaves it uncapped?!! Ok, I wouldn't care about anything as small as that but there could still be surprises and couldn't think of a proper example. The key thing is that I want to find out though, after my original post I started looking into flights to Oz, not going to move over but think I'll try and go over for a couple of weeks at Christmas. As IndiReloaded said, it's an awesome country after all.

[Yggdrasil]

One thing that does concern me is that while we know we do the friendship side of things really well, we still haven't had long enough together to really get to know each others little quirks. We've never lived together or anything like that, and it feels like we're putting aside a large portion of what is generally taken to be an important time in peoples lives on the assumption that everything is going to work out. Like what happens if it turns out that she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle, or worse still leaves it uncapped?!!

Don't sweat the little things.

Nobody is perfect. If you love someone, you accept that person as he or she is, with their imperfections and little annoying habbits.