Selfish relationship (long)

[doznicky]

Hello everyone!! I am new and desperately need to vent. Anyone reading thank you in advance.

I have been married for 2 years and have known my husband for 3 years. I am 22 years old. Basically the main issue with us is selfishness. It sounds simple but its quite complicated. I am 8 years younger than my husband and when we first met I was working as a secretary and he was the bread winner; fast forward I am currently making significantly more than he is and this is not only affecting his ego but our entire relationship. I do a lot, full time student, work like a dog in sales and try to keep up with the house. He works then comes home and relaxes, which is fine if it was really the case. He misses work to the point that his salary is cut by 30-50% each pay check. He is very comfortable because I pick up where he slacks off automatically. He NEVER has a dollar to his name, I cannot even ask him to bring me anything ever because he doesnt even have enough change in his car (huge turn off). When he does get paid he spends it on guns (and asks me for money), or puts money into his car. I am beyond surprised that I am even sitting here after all I have gone through. For a whole year we lived with my parents, the plan was to save to buy a home but that never happened, instead he used all his money and borrowed money to build a car. I spent a whole year struggling and giving him money for a car that was a clunker, then he gets another car and gets us into more debt owing family members thousands of dollars for the down payment to get what he wanted and the money he got from selling the other car (4k) he put into his new car, while we had no place to stay!! When he wants something he will step on anyone, including me. Extreme selfishness!! Anyone who sees this will surely think I am dumb for allowing this but its complicated, he manipulates the situation so this seems normal. I should not be forced to work so hard, I sacrifice myself and I shouldnt have to. To put the icing on the cake from the extreme stress I began to suffer from stomach issues, a couple months ago I was in the hospital and he didnt even want to stay with me; he acted as though he really didnt care and while feeling dizzy and with a terrible fever he was screaming that all I needed was a cold shower and I had to wait hours for him to take me. Then on friday I was feeling terrible again and after arguing he took me to the hospital. He sat down on his ipad and really didnt seem to care how much pain I was in, kept reminding me what a waste of money that trip was. I was at a loss of words and couldnt think about anything but the pain, both times they said it was colitis and its triggered by stress. I have finals, work, the house way too much on my shoulders and I dont have a partner I can lean on. Things arent equal or even close to being equal and I feel used in every way. I dont mind at all that he makes less, its the fact that he misses work and is selfish that bothers me. I keep comparing situations to problems I had with my ex and I keep beating myself up for loosing him and getting into a crappier relationship. I think when your in moments of crisis (hospital or just a difficult time) you can see the true colors in people. When I was in the hospital while in my previous relationship I had an accident and he rushed to take me to the hospital, trembling and asking the nurse a bunch of questions he couldnt even sit. They had to do a painful procedure on me and I remember him holding my hand and crying with me. A moment I will never forget. Comparing moments like that to the situation now makes me want to leave running, get on a plane and find my ex. Its so hard to be in a relationship where one person is too giving and the other too selfish. I paid for everything to move into our home, 3 months, furniture I mean I have done too much already. I feel as though I deserve better and there is someone out there for me that will value me. I really want to live a relaxed life, every other aspect of my life is great and I am moving ahead but this relationship is a huge weight on me. I went to therapy and they said to give the relationship 6 months, I cant wait. I know that this wont last and the longer I procrastinate the more we get hurt. Any advice would be great! I know there is no simple response. Just needed to vent.

[Valixy]

You're right, you should leave and divorce this guy without regrets. Be careful and don't have any planned or unplanned children with such a selfish and irresponsible man who spends eveything on cars and guns but misses work and thinks that seeing a doctor when you're in pain is a waste of time. You deserve better and you should go for it.

[smackie9]

I second that!

Open a new bank account and take your name off your joint accounts, call a lawyer, pack up your shit when he is at work. He's got guns, your life could be in jeopardy, so get out before telling him anything.

[Wakeup]

I keep comparing situations to problems I had with my ex and I keep beating myself up for loosing him and getting into a crappier relationship.

That ^^ could be a whole other thread.

Yea.. why don't you just go see a lawyer and get advise on how to do what you want to do?

After you break up, don't date until you figure out how to live successfully in a happy zone on your own.

[doznicky]

You're right, you should leave and divorce this guy without regrets. Be careful and don't have any planned or unplanned children with such a selfish and irresponsible man who spends eveything on cars and guns but misses work and thinks that seeing a doctor when you're in pain is a waste of time. You deserve better and you should go for it.

Thank you! You are right!!

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I second that!

Open a new bank account and take your name off your joint accounts, call a lawyer, pack up your shit when he is at work. He's got guns, your life could be in jeopardy, so get out before telling him anything.

Thats very true, I think about that all the time. I was considering hiding them all until I left.

- - - Updated - - -

That ^^ could be a whole other thread.

Yea.. why don't you just go see a lawyer and get advise on how to do what you want to do?

After you break up, don't date until you figure out how to live successfully in a happy zone on your own.

That could be a whole other thread and I was speaking freely. I would not go back to him or anyone, its just the way I feel but I am actually looking forward to being alone. I cant wait until I can be calm and live a healthy single life without worries, I do not see myself dating or anything for that matter for a while. I need to be at peace, you are right thank you.

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Thank you guys, I know my post sounds one sided but I just needed to express the way I felt. I have thought about leaving while hes at work but I have a couple things in the way. 1. I have to find a place to go where they allow my 4 chihuahuas (I know its a lot but my girl had babies and I didnt have the heart to rehome) its harder than I thought even though they are easy to hide lol I was planning to move to a efficiency because I dont have to give 3 months there but my furniture wont fit 2. I have to find people to help me move the furniture on a day I know he will be gone 3. I have to explain to all the families why we couldnt break up civilized since no one really knows the gravity of the situation besides my mom and friends. 4. If we both leave I get $1,300 because its the deposit. If he stays I loose the deposit because he wont pay the rent and the owner will use it for the month before he is evicted

Today we had an argument and we both said extremely harsh things. Probably the worst ever, and he made it clear that he is not leaving so I made it clear that if he was staying I was selling all the furniture that I paid for and he could buy his own. He then started screaming that over his dead body I couldnt touch the furniture. So I am extremely confused at this point he knows hes wrong. I dont want to leave and take everything, even though I know its extremely fair he has not paid for squat but I would rather talk things out and him keep half of the furniture if he wants it, I get my deposit and we start fresh. I just want him to leave me alone, he also let me know that he would be short for the rent $450 so I am not going to keep dishing out money when I am planning to leave! Ughh I think the best thing is to not say anything, I cant reason with him. I dont care about the deposit, I just want to be freeeee.

[Wakeup]

That could be a whole other thread and I was speaking freely. I would not go back to him or anyone, its just the way I feel but I am actually looking forward to being alone. I cant wait until I can be calm and live a healthy single life without worries, I do not see myself dating or anything for that matter for a while. I need to be at peace, you are right thank you.

You're welcome. Just to suggest it again (because you didn't make comment on it and you're talking about doing all kinds of things) Call a Lawyer (most will give you an hour free) and ask what your rights are and aren't and for what advice he can give you.
Its easier to know what to do when you know what you can do.
Good luck.

[codylf95]

Do what you feel is in your best interest

[michelle23]

Why hasn't anyone asked the obvious question? What possessed you to get married at such a young age and in a fairly new relationship??

Perhaps you need to work on yourself too and figure out why you married such a loser who is 10 years older than you??

I agree you need to see a lawyer-stop arguing with him and leave when hes gone. This man sounds narcissistic to me and as smackie pointed out-he has guns.. so you could be in danger.

Do whatever it takes to get out and never rush into marriage again-at least not until you have lived alone with him for at least a year or more.