I dont want to lose my girl! Please help!!

[cand85]

Hey everyone,

Sorry if this is kinda drawn out but theres many details to the story.

Ive been going with this girl who's 21 (Im 23) for about 3 months now. Everything was going great with us, and i've totally fallen for her. She's the most amazing, beautiful girl ever and ive never felt like this about anyone. We were apart for a week during the holidays, over which time she would txt and ring me alot as usual. Then i drove 8 hours to spend a week with her and her family over new year and to meet her friends from her home town. Everything was sweet the first day i was there apart from initial anxiety about meeting her dad haha which turned out to be fine.

Second day i was there i went to check my emails on her laptop and found some emails she had been sending this other guy (long time friend of hers) telling him she loved him and wanted to be with him again someday. This totally threw me, and i just didnt know what to do, i ended up sticking the week out but i was admittedly very quiet and withdrawn toward her and everyone else. At one point she even said to me that i hadn't touched her or hardly talked to her for 3 days, which was probably true. So i wasn't in the best frame of mind for making a good impression on her friends and family. I felt like everything she had told me about her feelings for me was a lie. She spoke openly about this other guy too, but made it sound like they were just close friends (he's been living in another country for 6 months or so).

The morning i left she knew something was up but i just couldn't tell her what because i felt guilty for reading her emails and i didnt wanna fight at her parents house. She kept saying you're going to break up with me aren't you? Which i replied no theres just something we need to sort out. I told her i wanted things to go back to normal and she said she did too. When i got back i called her up and explained things, she cried and told me she was so sorry and that i was an amazing person for staying up there and being nice to her even after i read what she had written. I stupidly suggested we end things and she said she had some thinking to do. She emailed me later telling me she loved me and was sorry she hadn't told me before now, but she will never forget me and thanks for the memories basically. I panicked and txted her that i wanted to stay together and she's been taking days and days to think about it.

I cant figure out how she feels, because her texts have been so hard to figure out. She said this is tearing her up big time. She doesn't know whether to move on or try and fix things. I saw her yesterday and she was in good spirits when i was feeling like dirt. She told me she's scared to say yes because if she does things will be hardcore between us? I dont know what that meant. Then she hugged me when i left, told me i was hot (haha) and said i should come back round later. Later came and went and she wouldnt text me back. She ended up just going to bed. I said to her i needed her to tell me if she knew it was going to end between us because i cant handle the 'dont know' answer all the time. She replied 'It will hurt to much to let go i cant'. But then when i txt her today explaining my feelings for her and trying to get together later to talk she brushes it off with i have to unpack my house (she's just moved) i offered to help and she said she doesn't need me to. I say ok then have a nice night and she says 'Ugh i will probably see u later silly'.

I dont know whats goin on with her, i mean, im sure she has feelings for me still, she told me she does and that she cant just switch it off. She's told me over the phone a few days ago that theres hope for us but i dont know? I mean, this sucks even more than breaking up because im just in a lull. I dont know whats happening with her. She said theres no one else. She said the other day she doesn't know if she wants to be in a relationship but if she did it would be with me, i took that to mean she wanted to end it and told her that and she said 'agh but no thats not what my heads telling me i dont know'.

I am so confused. I love this girl but i cant take anymore!! What should i do?? How does she really feel about me? She hardly talks to me, but when she does i get all these mixed signals. Please help!!

(sorry for the length of this post).

[GrkScorp]

Ugh..

You realize, that throwing the issue of the e-mail on the side for a second, this is largely your problem..

This may not be easy to accept, but you're an insecure person.. and this insecurity caused you to react this way and make things into a "big deal".. (you're affraid of not only "not finding someone like her" in your future, but "not finding an other girl" for a long time after you break up with her)..

Now I know what you're thinking.. "Umm.. YEAH! it's kind of a bid deal when the person you're ____ blah blah blah..".. No it's not..

Let me tell you something.. women are very selfish creatures.. they will leave you in a second for the guy with more testosterone, money, power, muscle, better cocaine.. and they won't feel like they've violated any principle of loyalty either, or regrets for how they made you feel.. (this is why the phrase "I have a boyfriend" doesn't mean anything.. "so what?") women will glady ditch him for someone better.. UNLESS! (i'll get to this second)

But considering the first problem.. you have to ask yourself (what do I offer her?).. Well, i'm waiting.. what do you offer her that other guys can't, or don't? If you can't think of anything significant, you should try working on this..

Now, secondly, let's address the (UNLESS!).. they're gladly cheat on their BFs, women cheat more often then men, learn to accept it, and don't kid yourself.. BUT, not if they are "invested" in you..

- Physical (sex)
- Emotional (sex, feelings, shared positive experiences)
- Money (this doesn't need additional details)
- Time (neither does this one)

The more invested in you she becomes, the less likely she is to cheat or leave.. and from what you've made clear, she's only feeling this way because of her (Emotional) investement in you. Because you've failed to indicate how much MONEY she's invested in you, 3 months is not a significant TIME investment, and even though i'm going to assume you've had sex, at this point, there's not a large enough PHYSICAL investment.

So the ONE thing that has kept her next to you, is the ONE thing you pick to attack?!?!?!?

I'll tell you what to do to fix the situation;

- Call her up, tell her that you just want to talk, just 5-10 minutes of her time..
- Tell her "Look, I just wanted to tell you, I'm monumentally sorry for how I acted and for what I said, i'm an idiot, and i'm O.K. if you don't forgive me, I wouldn't forgive me either.. But I just wanted to tell you, that when I found out, I was heartbroken, because, I love you.. There are other people out there too, but I don't talk to them, and if I do, I don't say stuff like that to them.. so when I saw that, I felt insulted, cheated, but mostly heartbroken.. It felt like the one person I loved and had felt safe with, gave all my trust to blindly, just took it all away, I felt like a fool.. And afterwards, I was feeling angry.. and I wasn't thinking clearly or strait.. so when I finally realized all the stupid things I said, I wish I hadn't, but it was too late.. but if it still means anything, I'm sorry.. I really am, it wasn't my goal at all to make you feel bad.. whatever happened, happened.. and I forgive you.. I just want you to know that.. I over-reacted after we left your parent's house.. and I realize that now.. I even over-reacted when I read that e-mail.. I shouldn't have read it, I have no business going through your stuff, and I don't think anything less of you after I read it, it hurt, but I still trust you.. I still want to trust you.. and I just want to talk things over and just put this stupid thing behind us.. I don't care about that e-mail anymore.. I really don't.. I don't care what it said.. I care about YOU.. I care what YOU say.. and if you tell me that you want to just put what happened behind us, and work things out.. i'm ready to do that.. because that's not something I can do alone, by myself.."

-So, call her up and tell her this, MEAN it.. open this up and read it if you have to (and you can't memorize it).. remember some KEY points (it's not HER fault, it's YOUR fault, it doesn't matter anymore, you can just put it aside and forget about it because you still trust her, you still love her, you forgive her and don't think anything less of her).. All of these together will free her of any guilt she's feeling or awkwardness she's feeling.. when she feels liberated from those two emotions, she can make up her mind and more easily say "yes" to the idea of working things out and comming back..

Best of Luck

[cand85]

Thanks, i did exactly what you said and she opened up and actually told me what had been on her mind. Turns out she said ever since we 'ended' it i have been far too intense err. or something, apparently i freaked her out with what i was saying because she said no guy has ever cared for her that much after such a short space of time. But she invited me over and we hung out and talked just about mundane stuff.. then not wanting to overdo it i made up an excuse to leave after about an hour since it was late etc.. when i was walking out the door she said 'is that it?' and i asked 'what else would there be?' and she shrugged. Oh my god, i am having serious trouble reading this girl, then she shouted out miss you already when i left. What the hell is goin on? Should i initiate physical contact by kissing her, or should i wait for her to make the first move? Im just not sure what kind of terms we're on since she is still neither yay or nay about whether she wants to stay with me.

Ugh and thanks

[GrkScorp]

Thanks, i did exactly what you said and she opened up and actually told me what had been on her mind. Turns out she said ever since we 'ended' it i have been far too intense err. or something, apparently i freaked her out with what i was saying because she said no guy has ever cared for her that much after such a short space of time. But she invited me over and we hung out and talked just about mundane stuff.. then not wanting to overdo it i made up an excuse to leave after about an hour since it was late etc.. when i was walking out the door she said 'is that it?' and i asked 'what else would there be?' and she shrugged. Oh my god, i am having serious trouble reading this girl, then she shouted out miss you already when i left. What the hell is goin on? Should i initiate physical contact by kissing her, or should i wait for her to make the first move? Im just not sure what kind of terms we're on since she is still neither yay or nay about whether she wants to stay with me.

Ugh and thanks

1. About the whole "intense" thing.. I'm going to go on a wild hunch here and say she's very attractive.. and very attractive women have guys come up to them all the time, and have feelings for her in a very short amount of time.. and this to them is quickly deemed "unattractive behavior".. so.. SLOW THINGS DOWN.. and don't be so clingy/needy.. but DO still love her and care for her.. (the two are not the same, not even close, Day and Night..)

2. She still wants to be with you.. but you're fcuking it up with each new post.. you are clueless with respect to the signals she's giving you (stuff she perhaps did or said and you didn't pay much attention to, to even include on your post).. and you're reaching her limits of her becoming frustrated with your cluelessness where it's not cute anymore; and it will get annoying, and make her feel less attracted to you.. so; start paying attention NOT to WHAT she says.. but WHY she said it.. what was she thinking to have said that? what MOTIVE did she have behind saying that? where is she HEADED with that? (also applies to things she does; a slight tilt in her body, a small smirk, or inflection in her voice can mean A LOT!) so learn how to understand her..

3. Women want a MAN.. which means, someone who is going to take the lead, and take control.. women don't like to do stuff.. so they need a man who will eventually go out, work, and pay for everything.. but until that time comes.. they want a man who will not make them feel like SHE is making things happen.. which means YOU have to initiate.. women will VERY RARELY initiate.. (they want to filter out the boys from the men).. so if you feel like it's the right time to kiss her.. do it.. if you feel it's the right time to touch her, do it.. if you feel it's the right time to have sex, do it.. (but learn to read her first; don't overdo-it with this control/lead/manly concept and get hit with a rape charge.. make sure you understand her first, and then just act on it.. don't think about it.. just do!)

4. It sounds to me like you are some VERY lucky guy who has this very clueless and even more attractive girl strangely attracted to you temporarily for some reason; and you're about to fcuk it up.. So; just so you don't.. read some of my older posts related to your issue.. (you're in the comfort stage, so don't bother reading about how to form attraction).. and get some clue as to what women find sexy, attractive, what turns them on, what works, and what they look for in a man..

So on that note.. I wish you a good-night.. i'm about to pass out (because i'm a guy).. if I was a woman i'd have to (get ready for bed).. but rest assured, that in 5 minutes after this post is sent.. i'm out cold..

[TheSphinx]

Continue to date her if you enjoy being with her, and go out and meet some other women.

It will take some of the pressure off of you both, offer you a chance to evaluate whether she's really what you desire in a woman and give her some space to make a decision.

Realizing that you have options and aren't dependent upon her for happiness should help her reach that decision a little quicker.

~Sphinx

[vashti]

I think you are too emotionally invested in a girl who doesn't reciprocate the intensity of feeling you have for her. I don't know how healthy it would be to try to force this to work. You will always be wondering about the other guy and her feelings for him. I would probably call it quits for a while, and give yourself time to get your bearings back, and to give her a chance to see what life will be like without you. Later on (6 months - 1 year?) you can try to reconnect if you are still interested. Sorry.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God.

You need to let HER be the girl. You keep doing this hand-wringing, oh-golly, what is she thinking thing. Stop it at once. One of you needs to take charge of this thing, and she's made it abundantly clear that she isn't sure what she's doing.

Set up some structure. Yes, this is your job. I don't know why you keep letting her make all the decisions- do you think it's gentlemanly or something? It isn't. You're acting like a sissy.

First of all, don't EVER use text-messaging again. It is unacceptable as a method of communication for anything more than "I'll be home at six."

Next, you need to initiate contact. Physical contact. After all that drama, you just decided to get up and leave without trying to touch her at all? What a slap in the face to her. You idiot. I'm not saying you have to become an octopus and put your tentacles all over her, but you've got to do something. Touch her face. Hug her. Kiss her. Something!

I hope you feel you've worked through the e-mail thing, but if you haven't, you need to address it, deal with it, and then put it in the past. Forever. If you play your cards right, she'll forget about the other guy. You've got something he doesn't; you're only an hour away from her. Use this to your advantage.

If you feel insecure or needy, bring it here, to us. Don't bring it to her. She doesn't need it, she doesn't want it, and it will ruin your chances with her.

[TheSphinx]

Reference Giga's last post. Between "grow some balls" and a full blown book, it's probably the best you'll get for this situation and most of your future ones.

Excellent post, girl. It turned me on.

~Sphinx

[Gigabitch]

Excellent post, girl. It turned me on.

~Sphinx

Well, thanks!

Now see, that's manly behavior. Decisive. Clearly communicated. Just what a girl wants to see.

[cand85]

hey

thanks for your help, you have opened my eyes some. In answer to your question yeah she is extremely attractive, not to blow my own horn but in the past i have usually done quite well with girls and i usually only go for attractive girls and this one is stunning. This is all a very foreign situation for me, as in the past my relationships have all run quite smoothly until the inevitable breakup for whatever reason (hey i am only young - not looking to settle down). My last girlfriend who i was with for *cough* 2 and a half years was extremely insecure, emotional, needy, clingy, psycho, emotional problems etc etc.. these ended up being the reasons we broke up but i cant help but wonder if some of her paranoid / negative qualities rubbed off on me because i have never experienced these problems myself until now? As if i think back i could liken my current situation to my old relationship with her, me being in my ex gf's position and my new girlfriend in mine. It sucks i tells ya. I've never been the needy type or obsessive or jealous, these are all mostly new feelings for me and i dont like it one bit. It also occurred to me that perhaps because im so taken with this girl, i like her more than ever have anyone, i may be a little intimidated at how awesome and beautiful i perceive her to be?

I always used to laugh at people with stupid problems like these who were emotionally insecure and over analyzed/complicated things and i thought just get over yourself, dont live life in your head when its happening right in front of you. And now i find myself in this very weird and uncomfortable situation. I will see her tonight and let you know how it goes.

Thanks again

[Mathias]

Well, thanks!

Now see, that's manly behavior. Decisive. Clearly communicated. Just what a girl wants to see.

I want to have your babies.

[Gigabitch]

I want to have your babies.

I told you, buddy. I'm the girl!

Anyway, OP, I think relationships are about the balance of power in many respects. You haven't picked up insecure behaviors from your ex- you're just experiencing what it's like to be on the other side of the equation now.

[cand85]

Oh man. I had a great night with her last night, went to her place and watched a dvd. she gave me a hug when i walked in the door, playfully nudged me all night, grabbed me when she was squemish, then i put her to bed, gave her a kiss on the forehead and left because she was feeling sick. And that was that. I walked past her work today, and saw her from the street so went in to say hi, there was extreme tension, she stayed at the back of the shop and wouldn't come up to talk to me as she usually has in the past. It was really awkward. I sent her a text saying Is it gonna be like this forever? I need to know please. Its been a week so just tell me if its over so i can move on. But she wont reply to me. I am seriously in some agony, i hate this. I hate it! I cant handle these mixed signals, please someone enlighten me i am going crazy and feel about the lowest i ever have.

[TheSphinx]

Sounds like buyer's remorse.

When a girl I'm seeing hesitates, I back off and go on meeting other people and having a good time.

I will usually give her a call once or twice during the week to say, "Hey, I'm meeting up with some friends and we're going to such-and-such a place at such-and-such a time. You should come out and run wild with us."

It gives her a non-committed opportunity to hang out with you again and also let's her know your life is still going on without her. Basically, one hell of a time saver.

~Sphinx

[GrkScorp]

Oh man. I had a great night with her last night, went to her place and watched a dvd. she gave me a hug when i walked in the door, playfully nudged me all night, grabbed me when she was squemish, then i put her to bed, gave her a kiss on the forehead and left because she was feeling sick. And that was that. I walked past her work today, and saw her from the street so went in to say hi, there was extreme tension, she stayed at the back of the shop and wouldn't come up to talk to me as she usually has in the past. It was really awkward.

Buyer's Remorse;

You went too far, too fast.. and it sounds like she was acting out on her "in the moment" heated & arounsed emotions..

But! When she went to sleep or woke up, she wasn't in that same state, and when she thought about what happened, she thought to herself "oh gosh! what happened last night! I can't believe I did that! What does he think now? I don't know what he's going to do next time he sees me. He probably thinks i'm easy, or a slut, or a whore, etc. I can't talk to him now, it's too awkward."

TRAP: Guys who fall into the buyer's remorse trap typically bombard the girl with calls and texts and e-mails, flowers, freinds dvd's, etc.. The more the guy tries, the more he pushes her from feeling "awkward" to "creeped out" to "unattracted" to "annoyed". It's a negative self-feeding cycle where the guy is in search of communication and can't understand what's wrong; but comes off looking creepy, needy, desperate, insecure, but above all "continues to make her feel uncomfortable".

Is there a way around this once it's happened?

Sure; STOP FCUKN' TRYING TO CONTACT HER! I'm serious, the best you can hope for now is that she calms down, starts to feel more comfortable, and calls you back (if not, call back only twice; one week from now)

What should I do when (more like "if") she picks up after a week?

- Make her feel comfortable, safe, secure, and as if you feel that things went too far, too fast (this goes back to comfort).

You want to convey that first, that YOU'RE sorry you didn't call sooner, but you feel that things kind of got too far a little too fast, and it felt very awkward, and it's not that you don't feel comfortable around her or don't trust her yet, but you just need to feel a little more comfortable around her. (This btw is exactly what she would tell you if she had the testicles to; so when you say this to her, a switch flips, and you gain points for trust & comfort)

What should I do in the future to prevent Buyer's Remorse?

- This is where most men fail, and don't take this personally, but I don't have much faith in your ability to "read & understand" her at this point; so you're probably going to need to learn the hard way a couple of times before you get it right.

Basically, when physical contact is progressing TOO fast, (example: you've transitioned from touching to kissing "even though you don't have enough familiarity with touch yet"; you've transitioned from kissing into sex almost instantly). Guys will be making out with some girl one night, having a great time, she'll be all over him, she'll even offer her #; then, when he calls.. she'll give him the "i'm busy, we'll talk some other time".. then he'll call again and she won't pick up.. the more he calls, the less she feels for him. Why? What should have this guy done to make it better and avoid this problem?

He should have taken things slow; or at least give the impression of taking things slow. Have you ever herd a girl say "I don't know you that well yet; we barely know eachother; etc"? Yes, I know, it's not cute. But these same phrases actually act to build comfort, security, safety, and trust in you (when YOU tell HER that; and when you pull back and stop physical contact, even though you were both having a good time "remember! better to leave her UNHAPPY you pulled away and her wanting you to come back, than to leave her HAPPY she's not there doing that stuff with you later because you failed to pull away"). It shows all the right messages about you (i'm not needy, creepy, sexually frustrated, just looking for sex with you, I want to get to know you better, I want to feel that stronger emotional connection with you before we go on and commit/invest more into this thing we have together, etc). When she's given this sense of security and safety; you'll almost NEVER fall into the Buyer's Remorse trap.. if you maintain her attraction to you, and her emotions are always stimulated and over-active, and she's having fun.. the sense of security, safety, trust, & comfort will actually let her enjoy herself more; she'll put her guard down and be less up-tight.. but more importantly; this give her the chance to form that connection with you.. so even after the night is over; she'll WANT to talk to you/see you/etc again in the future, with no regrets at all.