Can't seem to settle down after abusive relationship

[ABCDEFGHIJK]

So I'm gonna keep it short because I don't wanna bore you all. When I was 13 years old I got into an abusive relationship with a boy in the year above. It was daily abuse. Cigarette burns broken bones and things that you won't even imagine. He also cheated on me several times. I was in this relationship for 3 years. I was in a very bad place after that relationship and was very insecure and had a lot of mind talk. Shortly after I started seeing a bloke I was working with at the time. I eventually confided in him and told him everything that happened in my past relationship...
He used that to his advantage and became abusive to me and he cheated on me too. I told myself that's what I deserved. 2 years later I finally left him. I'm now 20 years old and i'm seeing an amazing man. He loves me so much but my mind talk is so bad. A woman at the place we work has banned us from talking to each other and now constantly flirts with him to wind me up. I seem to blame him for this and I take out my frustration on him. I have 0 self esteem and I don't rate myself at all so I constantly think he fancies other women. He must get so tired of constant accusations. I just don't know how to drop this horrible mind talk and insecurities because I know I'll never be happy. I'm finding it hard to give him my all because of my previous relationships. I just won't let myself trust him and he really Is wonderful. He understands and accepts everything that happened to me. If anyone could help or give any advice please do. I don't want to push him away

[Starnique]

13 years old???? Where the hell were your parents? That's just insane.

Anyway, you need to get out of this relationship and stay out of relationships until you are fully healed from your past. You didn't deserve what happened to you. You were practically a baby and your current bf doesn't deserve the treatment you're giving him. Hurt people, hurt other people. With that being said, you need to work on yourself right now. You're not fit or ready to be involved at this time. You need to work on getting past your past and work on forgiveness. When you forgive , its not about the abuser, its about yourself. When you hold on to things like past hurts you give the abuser power over you that they don't deserve. Prime example is, look at how you treat your current bf all because of some little angry mentally unstable kid that hurt you. It doesn't mean you have to like the person either or deal with them. Forgiveness to me means releasing that bondage. Its all about you.

You need counseling and you need to do some soul searching and learn to love yourself*because*you can't give what you don't have. Love, happiness and all that good stuff. You have to be willing to move forward in life and take control of your happiness. Don't let that mess into your adult life where you're supposed to be happy. Truth is, unless you forgive, yourself included, unless you realize the situation is over, you can not move forward. Once you learn to love yourself, those voids will be filled and you'll be able go on and be happy in life. Seek counseling, work on yourself, get yourself together and once you're over the past, you can move forward. Also learn to realize that the new guys are not him so don't keep blaiming them for your past. Thats why you should get help or you'll be all alone and bitter and you don't want to end up that way.