Little Advice Wanted

[Ath]

Hey everyone, I'll keep this short because no-one really wants to read a giant wall of text.

I'm looking for a few opinions on whether or not you feel it's good/bad idea to start a relationship with a close longtime friend. Long story short, I've been really close to this girl, as friends for nearly 12 years. Lately, my mind has started to wander in regards to trying to take it a step beyond that. I've had feelings for her for a few years, but I've dated a long time friend before and it was great until it went belly-up. The problem is if/when it goes bust, you lose them in the relationship, and as a friend.

Is there really a good way to weigh out the pros and cons of something like that? Anyways, any advice or opinions are wanted. Thanks much.

-Ath

[Cain]

Just decide whether this is a friendship that you're willing to lose. If it is, go for more. If it isn't, then stay as friends.

[Gigabitch]

I agree with Cain completely. You won't be able to undo that step. It will "ruin" your friendship. You may get something much better, but the friendship will be over forever.

[Wallace Stevens]

What is friendship? I always wonder. Why is it that when we take something to a physical level, we lose the friendship?

I think the answer is because friendships are more flimsy than we give them credit. These friendships are rarely anything more than a shared source of conversation and geographical proximity.

[carl1222]

What is friendship? I always wonder. Why is it that when we take something to a physical level, we lose the friendship?

I think the answer is because friendships are more flimsy than we give them credit. These friendships are rarely anything more than a shared source of conversation and geographical proximity.

I'll respond to Wallace's comment because it answers the question on-topic.

The real reason friendships almost never survive romance is because it is exceedingly rare that going back to just a friendship doesn't cause extreme pain to the person who wanted the romantic relationship to continue.

On the other hand, Ath, it's also nearly impossible to continue with just a friendship after romantic feelings develop, because you want more.

So here's the analysis

1) You try to protect your friendship by not pursuing romance:
- You get more and more uncomfortable with the status quo.
- You get jealous of her romantic interests
- Eventually the friendship fails because it's too painful to maintain.

2) You try to move it forward into a romantic relationship (worst case):
- She rejects your advances - doesn't think of you "that way."
- You get more and more uncomfortable with the status quo.
- You get jealous of her romantic interests
- Eventually the friendship fails because it's too painful to maintain.

3) You try to move it forward into a romantic relationship (best case):
- She also wants a romantic relationship with you
- You trade friendship for romance.
- You now have a girlfriend who is also your best friend.

So you have no choice but to go for door # 3.

Carl.

[chump4u]

You say you've "had feelings for" your gal-pal for some years, and that you've lately begun to see her as a possible girlfriend. If so, you've already lost her as a friend-- not in her mind, but in your own. She can easily go through the rest of her life thinking of you as a friend and acting toward you as a friend, but you will never be able to think of her or act toward her that way again. To you, she's no longer going to be Jackie or Sheila (or whomever) she's always going to be "What If?" You'll never be able to see her again without thinking "What if I had asked her?...What if we'd just tried...?" The only way you can get her back into your mind as "friend" is to put her there as "girlfriend."

Besides, I think you might be exaggerating the likelihood that your relationship with this girl will go South on you. Relationships between chance-met people most often end because people learn something about their partner that wasn't obvious when they met: "Oh My God, he's on the FBI's Most Wanted List!"...or..."How in Hell did she get in that video, and who are all those guys in it with her?"

This is a possibility you've already avoided with your long-time friend. I'm sure that after 12 years, you know all there is to know about her background, her personality, her character and habits-- every place in her existence where deal-killing revelations might hide; and she knows all the same about you. Since you've stayed friends for more than a decade you're obviously both comfortable with what you know about each other, which means you've already done 90% of the work needed for a successful relationship.

I say "go for it."

[Ath]

Wow, thanks for the responses guys! I really appreciate it. Door 3 is starting to look more and more like the option, still makes me nervous though.

-Ath

[Charlie Boy II]

I remember you Ath, you're the ex-WoW guy,

[Ath]

Haha, well done man. Guess you're one of the few who read my frickin novel on here some years ago. Life got a million times better after those days.

[Gigabitch]

Well, your life sucked. A lot. How could it not be 100 times better?

Go for it, Ath. You know you want to.

[Ath]

You're right, I do.

I'll keep ya posted

[khafanizm]

if you succed tell me, i am in your situation, i went to door number 3,but she dosent reply to my comments,but the next day she woud call and say lets go out with friends,i say no ,she says her words again,she acts like she has not heard the comments,now i decided to end becuase i cant be the same,but sshe keeps calling and texting, , and try s hard to speak to me, i hope you can make it,goodluck

[khafanizm]

i think its better not to be around her every time she wants you,make her feel whats iit like being without you,idont know maybe its good,if you or anybody has a opnion or a point to what to do please tell and help me