What is she thinking?

[LCMS0516]

I have a 'situation' regarding a female friend where, even though it is of an online nature I am trying to get opinions of what she is thinking.

We have known each other for ten years. So here are the particulars:

1. She has complained before about the way I treat her, getting really upset at me.
2. When I have mentioned how she treats me, she will say 'Oh well', 'f-off', or 'f-you'.
3. When I say that I have to go somewhere, or I have to do something, she will accuse me of leaving her.

She treated me like this when she was engaged to a U.S. Army combat soldier(he was killed in Iraq in 2004), when she was still with her husband(married 2006, separated 2009), and since she has been with her boyfriend(2011-)

Those are the things that will happen. I am just trying to get objective opinions on, if she has 'residual' feelings for me, that she has denied when I asked her or, if she is just being a pain.

[michelle23]

why have an online fantasy relationship at all? especially with someone who is nasty to you? What a waste of ten years

[LCMS0516]

why have an online fantasy relationship at all? especially with someone who is nasty to you? What a waste of ten years

Hold on, I do not have an 'online fantasy' relationship with her. If anything, my original question gets' at, if she might possibly think that of me. Because of the way she has treated me.

Like is she 'angry about what she can't have'(I live in the U.S., she lives in Canada). I have thought about no longer communicating with her, at times, because of her seemingly 'flip flop' behavior. But I then remember no one is perfect, regardless of the type of relationship. I know that my sound like I let her walk all over me. But when she goes into her 'oh well', 'f-off', 'f-you' mode, I laugh. I used to take that personally when she did that. But I managed to stop thinking that, years ago.

[michelle23]

but why are you wasting so much time talking to this woman? Have you ever even met in real life? Is she holding you back from falling in love with someone else? Why do you care why she is so nasty to you? That should be enough to tell her to get lost

[LCMS0516]

but why are you wasting so much time talking to this woman? Have you ever even met in real life? Is she holding you back from falling in love with someone else? Why do you care why she is so nasty to you? That should be enough to tell her to get lost

I don't take a lot of time talking to her. In fact, prior to Apr.'2012, I hadn't talked to her for nine months.(which was my choice, even though it had nothing to do with her, just Yahoo Messenger our sole form of communication) Also, It is not daily and/or for hours on end.

We also helped each other years ago, in respective relationship problems, regardless of our distance.

She is not holding me back from falling in love. My girlfriend knows' about her. Also, Her boyfriend knows' about me.(I know, that sounds like something like a threesome, or a foursome the way I said it. But it isn't I assure you. I can't stand those things anyway) When she almost died last year, her boyfriend contacted me about her going into a coma(thankfully it was only for six weeks). During the time she was in a coma, he talked to me about her behavior. I told him, that he had to accept it, if he wanted to be in an intimate loving relationship with her.

I am just trying to figure out, why she treats me in a demeaning way, then accuses me of 'leaving' her. Because, If her life is so 'perfect', why does she treat me in a way, like a yo-yo. Last year prior to her nearly dying, she was telling me no one cared about her(she actually said that a couple times this year). That included me, her boyfriend, and her family.

[michelle23]

It sounds like a distant emotional affair to me. If I was your gf I would not be happy about this.. I think you should cut all contact with her and put all your energy into looking after your girl

[LCMS0516]

It sounds like a distant emotional affair to me. If I was your gf I would not be happy about this.. I think you should cut all contact with her and put all your energy into looking after your girl

While I am neither agreeing or, disagreeing with you, on who's part do you feel it is an 'emotional affair'? I will let you know, I actually looked that up months' ago. But I would still like your feedback.

[michelle23]

Both. I think you both may have a hidden agenda here (whether conscious or subconscious I dont know) but you shouldnt be putting this much thought or effort into another woman. You have a partner-focus on her and tell the other one to get lost

[namemyname]

If you've never met her in 10 years, then yeah, you are definitely having an online fantasy. It's perplexing that you're concerned about how someone is treating you in cyberspace. ??

Put your energy into the people you can actually see and feel. The rest is nonsense.

[LifeInflux]

To barge in with a little male perspective on this, I would say that much of her attitude is part of her personality, with a great deal of the emotional attachment being that she might feel emotionally unfulfilled or just insecure.

Most interestingly, you seem to abide by the way she acts. You don't have to continue to talk to her when she speaks to you in a way you don't like, and she isn't in your life physically, so its easy to dodge her for extreme lengths of time.

The only reason you wouldn't do that is if you are getting as much emotional fulfillment out of this situation as she is. You control what you do, not her. She acts the way she does to you because you let her, and for no other reason.

[VincenzoG91]

LCMS, you're not supposed to fall in love with the cam girl.

[LCMS0516]

but why are you wasting so much time talking to this woman? Have you ever even met in real life? Is she holding you back from falling in love with someone else? Why do you care why she is so nasty to you? That should be enough to tell her to get lost

She accepts me, despite my health. We have never met 'face-to-face'. She definitely is not holding me back from falling in love with someone else. The reason I am curious, is because of her 'flip-flop' behavior, and wondering what the potential reason is.

There have been many times, when I could have told her to 'go jump in a lake', as a result of her behavior. But we have 'gone to bat' for each other in the past, despite anything that my have ticked the other one off.

[LCMS0516]

Both. I think you both may have a hidden agenda here (whether conscious or subconscious I dont know) but you shouldnt be putting this much thought or effort into another woman. You have a partner-focus on her and tell the other one to get lost

Okay.

I put way more thought into my fiance, than the woman I asked about.

[LCMS0516]

If you've never met her in 10 years, then yeah, you are definitely having an online fantasy. It's perplexing that you're concerned about how someone is treating you in cyberspace. ??

Put your energy into the people you can actually see and feel. The rest is nonsense.

I do disagree here. I am not having an online fantasy. I definitely am not fantasizing about her. Just trying to get ideas about her moods.

[basilandthyme]

I'm going to approach this without thinking that there are any affairs etc. That she's just a friend.

In life, it's wise to choose to surround ourselves with friends who treat us nicely, kindly and with respect. It's OK to dump a friend who treats us badly even if there is history of supporting each other. It's also OK to dump a friend who's simply a pain in the ass.

You don't owe each other anything - and if the friendship is no longer working for you, then just slowly back away. Just as I hope you would in real life if a friendship wasn't working for you.

Edited to add: she has the moods she does because she's a bitch. Nothing more, nothing less.