Not sure what to do! (Posted in wrong section before) :(

[Chace]

Hey guys my names Kyle and to be honest I never thought I would find myself posting on a forum like this asking for expert advice, This is going to be a little long so I will try to sum everything up as much as I can. A couple months ago I got out of a 2 year relationship with a girl who I still believe to be the one there were a lot of issues that resulted in the break up and a lot now that I think back on it with a clear mind were my fault however i believe it also takes two to break a relationship up. Now for a while now I have dropped all contact and disappeared out of plain site however I have not seen my ex for at least 8 months now I have been told she has now got herself invited to my best friends 21st knowing full well that I will be there.

My ex is one that believes that people can and will not change and I am not sure how to deal with going to the 21st, After the break up occurred I hit a rock bottom situation and acted like a complete immature needy jerk and I couldn't leave her alone because I wanted to tell her just how much I cared for her. I was very angry for her breaking up with me but I know if she had not I would not be the person I am today and I thank her for that, Anyway two months after the break up after she had sent a letter to me I sent one back to her only to get a reply from her immature 18 year old brother saying that she had said "Two months too late" It was at this point that I kept trying to contact her via emails and texts with little reply and it got to the point where her little brother although not him personally it was his under age mates who kept calling and abusing me doing the whole "Your a dead man" act. Now I am 22 and I have no time for immature under age people like this and she is now 21.

As I kept trying to contact she tried to say she would take me to the police, Now many of her friends are in fact all my mates and a lot know and saw that I really cared for her I also never abused her and only tried to talk to her about the break up however this was only after I found out that she was drunk and kissed a mate and was hooking up with him however they are still not going out and he really likes her but we all believe she may be using him for his money. I lost my longest mate due to what happened between me and this other mate and they all complain about me but I never do about them.

Since then I have been able to see what I did wrong in the relationship and have become a better person for it, I am not sure if she is trying to make me jealous. I want to show her that people can indeed change but I also don't know how to go about it and how to act at my mates 21st. I sent another letter stating how much I cared as well and spoke about the moments I cherished with her the only reply she could give was "I received your letter today, Now can you please stop contact and let things be" So I did then two months later while she was in Asia by herself mum tried to text and ask how she was as they were very close. I sent a text asking if she had had received it and that I hoped she had a great time and to be careful apart from this I have not said anything in weeks.

I do apologize for the novel guys

[lhn]

So are u asking what to do at the party?
I'm not sure what advice you are looking for.
Please clairfy

[cmacattack1]

As I've told many, many other people there is nothing you can do to change how she feels or what she thinks, no matter how hard you try. The act of trying itself proves nothing and makes it seem that you haven't changed. The only way she would know if you changed is that if she wanted to. However, your past has just proven you to be a failure and that will not be something she will forget about. You will forever be associated with that.

I am the better person I am today because of my ex too. Imagine me being 23 years old before I fell in love for the first time and got a serious wake up call. If I had just gotten this earlier I wouldn't be in the position I am now. But the fact that if you truly changed, it will be noticeable to those that have know you for a while. It's in how you act, it's in how you talk.

I know you care about her man, but you have to stop letting her know that because it will be you seemingly clinging to scraps of the relationship that failed before. You have to stop checking in on her because it will seem you have nothing better to do than keep tabs on her. Part of that driving force, your motivation to do these things are because you want redemption. I'm sure you want to resurrect any feelings she had with you from before too if they are deep down there but it's just getting you farther from want you want with her.

Guys always make the mistake of trying too hard. It never works and won't work for you either. If you were to ever have a future with her, you would both need to put what happened behind you, something easier said than done. To start something new, not get back together. I would advise talking about the past too because it is just bringing back the hurt that you guys went through.

[Chace]

As I've told many, many other people there is nothing you can do to change how she feels or what she thinks, no matter how hard you try. The act of trying itself proves nothing and makes it seem that you haven't changed. The only way she would know if you changed is that if she wanted to. However, your past has just proven you to be a failure and that will not be something she will forget about. You will forever be associated with that.

I am the better person I am today because of my ex too. Imagine me being 23 years old before I fell in love for the first time and got a serious wake up call. If I had just gotten this earlier I wouldn't be in the position I am now. But the fact that if you truly changed, it will be noticeable to those that have know you for a while. It's in how you act, it's in how you talk.

I know you care about her man, but you have to stop letting her know that because it will be you seemingly clinging to scraps of the relationship that failed before. You have to stop checking in on her because it will seem you have nothing better to do than keep tabs on her. Part of that driving force, your motivation to do these things are because you want redemption. I'm sure you want to resurrect any feelings she had with you from before too if they are deep down there but it's just getting you farther from want you want with her.

Guys always make the mistake of trying too hard. It never works and won't work for you either. If you were to ever have a future with her, you would both need to put what happened behind you, something easier said than done. To start something new, not get back together. I would advise talking about the past too because it is just bringing back the hurt that you guys went through.

Thanks for the reply, I defiantly don't want to try too hard and she had very little friends to begin with but she is now good friends with a lot of mates that know my past history since primary school and I know hers as well. She was very close to my family almost like a daughter to them and your right I do want redemption but I want to come of as a stronger person almost some who doesn't really care about her and moving on to an extent I've done some self study and educated myself well on what women want and how to act but I just wanted to get some personal thoughts from others that have suffered and become stronger from failed relationships.

The failure in the relationship was a serious wake up call I fell down and rebuilt myself so to speak, I doubt she will come to my mates 21st but if she did I am looking for some options on what I should and should not do at this party. I'm not going to go to the party and act like the worthless miserable ex boyfriend in the corner I do also have some of her things that were quite personal to her that she only ever showed to me that I need to give back to her and I've also placed her things out of plain site but away in a safe spot.

Problem is a lot of my mates tell me what shes been up to even though I don't ask, one is the fact that she drunk kissed one of my ex friends and not going out with him but he is obsessed with her mind you no one really likes this ex mate due to his personality. I had not seen him for ages but he did come out with us not long ago and even know I knew what had happened I acted mature had a great time said "Hi" to him first and he was sitting down the whole night complaining.

Most of these ex mates and her will be at my best mates 21st, So my question is how do I act or if she try's although I know she wont talk to me or my older brother who's 34 who she was close to what do I say or do if this happens?

[cmacattack1]

Part of the reason why wanting to be back with her if you haven't seen her in a long while might be kind of crazy is that she could have become a different person. You have become a different person as well and who knows if the people you are today are compatible and have that spark. If you have that mentality of wanting to be back together, it might just shooting yourself in the foot, ya know? I say this because the only thing that has been occupying your mind for your friends party is her.

I can see why you'd be frustrated for hearing about all her antics because let's face it, you'd be better off not knowing right?

This party is an opportunity to show her that you have changed and you can do that by just being yourself. It's hard to believe you are going to be 100 percent yourself if you have the relationship and her on your mind the entire time, but that's really all you can do. Remind her of the guy that she fell in love with in the first place. I know you don't want to sit there and sulk in the corner, but just have a fun time with your buddy. If she's there, you can say hi, catch up, make some small chat, etc. You are there for his birthday and that should be the main focus. Depending on how your conversation goes, you can take it from there.