Advice Needed: I know something she doesn't know I know

[gowings0]

Greetings All,

My girlfriend and I often go on each others facebook accounts to view photos that may not be visible otherwise (due to facebook's strict privacey settings). The other day I went on her account and wandered into her inbox. There I found a discussion she had been having with her very close friend. I read this discussion and learned many new things about how she feels about me and where we are in our relationship. With this new knowledge I feel it is best to end our relationship... and this is where I have a conflict. The reasons I have to end our relationship I would ONLY know by reading her message with her friend, no other way (We have been having no problems hence I had no idea she felt this way).

How do I bring up the topics she discussed with her friend? Do I at all? Do I tell her I read the message? WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

I am extremely stressed out and do not know how I should approach this.

Thank you for your help!

[QueenofCorona]

I would sit down with her face to face and ask her point blank if she is happy in your relationship. Give her the benefit of the doubt to open up. If she's honest maybe you can salvage the relationship. I don't know what exactly was said, so maybe that isn't a possibility for you. If she's not honest with you then just tell her you have reason to believe she's really not happy and that maybe its best to end things.

[IncognitoSir]

I would sit down with her face to face and ask her point blank if she is happy in your relationship. Give her the benefit of the doubt to open up. If she's honest maybe you can salvage the relationship. I don't know what exactly was said, so maybe that isn't a possibility for you. If she's not honest with you then just tell her you have reason to believe she's really not happy and that maybe its best to end things.

Yeah, thats's the best you can do. Honestly though, she doesnt think enough of you to be HONEST with YOU about how she actually feels so I doubt you'de be able to trusty her from here on out. You mentioned you guys have had no problems up until now, so she's been fronting with you for who knows how long. Once the trust is gone........

[Gigabitch]

Tell her about your "wandering" and tell her you need to talk these things through. I'm assuming you have her password, or you wouldn't have been able to get in there in the first place. If she knows you have her password and has given you permission to get into her FB, then you didn't exactly hack your way in there.

Is this the case?

[gowings0]

Thanks for your input QueenofCorona and IncognitoSir.

Gigabitch: Yes, we gave each other our passwords so we both know we each have full access to the other's account. I was thinking about that angle (telling her I had read the messages) and I was a little concerned that would break some sort of code of conduct ("snooping" perhaps?)... I don't know.

I am really torn because, with this new info, I am pretty confident that I want to end it, however it is hard to bring up topics that I "don't know about". I would like it to be a healthy break up and I don't want to be a scum bag or something of the like in her mind.

[girl68]

thats not really snooping... if she REALLY wanted it to be secret- she wouldnt have done that in a place she knew you could potentially read it.

[Gigabitch]

It's kind of snooping, actually. If she kept her journal in her panty drawer and you read it, that would be snooping too, even though she didn't keep her drawer locked.

I've snooped before too. It felt really sleazy and I knew it was wrong, but I had this gut feeling I was being lied to (turned out I was). Were you getting a feeling that prompted you to go into her inbox or are you generally a nosy person with little respect for her boundaries? It sounds to me like you aren't, or you wouldn't feel bad about looking like a scumbag.

What was the damning evidence? Was it about you or about her and someone else?

[gowings0]

I definitely would not consider myself a snooper (However I may be biased... hahah).

The reason I looked at this specific message is the following: The person she was having the message exchange with is currently in The Netherlands and she was recapping all the crazy World Cup related activities going on there. My girlfriend did her best to explain to me, but couldn't remember the exact facts and she would have to look back at the message. I wasn't sure where the message would be located (email, facebook, etc.) so when I saw it in her inbox I figured "Oh, I can just read this and fill in all the gaps!"

My girlfriend is currently in another city. When she headed there at the beginning of the summer I told her that I want her to do whatever she wants and enjoy herself (Somewhat opening the door for a separation). She told me not to be silly and that she wouldn't want to see other guys. I really did my best to get across to her that I wanted her to do what she wanted.

In the message, she talked about the parties she had been going to and people she had met at her job and everything. She mentioned several times multiple guys that had talked to her and asked for her number. One in particular she said she thought was attractive. She talked about how she didn't want to do anything with him because of me (which I guess is good that she wants to stay loyal despite me telling her to do what she wanted) but how she felt I was holding her back.

She then talked about my upcoming visit (A big family reunion sort of thing in New York that her family invited me to go on with them) and how she was upset I am coming. Now, this is kind of a two sided topic: I was invited by her mother and father (before they had consulted her) so I can understand how she may have not expected it, however I asked her dozens of times if it was ok I was coming and if she was sure it wouldn't be a problem (all to which she told me she wanted me there (a lie?)).

At the end of the message mentioned that she had felt pressured by me to stay in a relationship and how she only had to have a boyfriend until September 3 (the day we leave NY). It bothers me she said she felt pressured into something she didn't want to do because we talked about her moving and she said she wanted to stay together. It also bothers me that she is essentially counting down the days until we break up...

Despite all this talk, she NEVER EVER leads on that she is unhappy or anything. This is my dilemma. How to I break up with her if "nothing is wrong" on either end? What do I do?

[IncognitoSir]

Ok, so you told her she can see other guys. This last post clears a lot up. BOTH of you are ready break up but neither of you can muster up the courage to actually do the breaking up. She waiting on you to break up with her and you're waiting on her to break up with you. Both of you know it's gonna happen but you really want to keep in contact in the end. This is where you have to grow a pair and confront her. Just sit her down and tell her how YOU feel about the relationship. If she cant open up and tell you how she REALLY feels about it, then bring up the message you read. As far as the feeling guilty thing, did it ever occur to you that she might have left that message there hoping you'd read it and "catch a hint"? I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case here. I've known people who did cowardly acts such as this to break up with someone because they lacked to decency to do it properly. You weren't snooping at all. She was fully aware that you could go through her fb account so stop stressing about that. Even if she trys to guilt trip you about it, remember she gave you her password.

[Gigabitch]

Why did you keep telling her to see other guys? If my man did that, I'd assume he was going to see other girls and wanted to take the relationship a step down.

[l337acc]

Ok, so you told her she can see other guys. This last post clears a lot up. BOTH of you are ready break up but neither of you can muster up the courage to actually do the breaking up. She waiting on you to break up with her and you're waiting on her to break up with you. Both of you know it's gonna happen but you really want to keep in contact in the end. This is where you have to grow a pair and confront her. Just sit her down and tell her how YOU feel about the relationship. If she cant open up and tell you how she REALLY feels about it, then bring up the message you read. As far as the feeling guilty thing, did it ever occur to you that she might have left that message there hoping you'd read it and "catch a hint"? I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case here. I've known people who did cowardly acts such as this to break up with someone because they lacked to decency to do it properly. You weren't snooping at all. She was fully aware that you could go through her fb account so stop stressing about that. Even if she trys to guilt trip you about it, remember she gave you her password.

I 100% agree with this post and endorse it without qualification.

What bothers me is the fact that she is being deceptive in the fact that she is unsatisfied with the relationship, as if it is just there for convenience until she moves. I would tell her that you don't feel a connection any more and would like to see other people.

[gowings0]

Why did you keep telling her to see other guys? If my man did that, I'd assume he was going to see other girls and wanted to take the relationship a step down.

I wasn't necessarily telling her to see other guys. I was telling her to not worry about rushing home from a party to talk to me. I was telling her to go out and have a good time and not worry about what I would think. If that led to anything with another guy, of course that would be hard for me, but I would fully understand.

IncognitoSir: Thank you for your help. I will definitely be sitting down with her when I go up to see her.

I guess my main problem is that I had no idea she felt this way because she acts and even tells me she's very happy with me.

I am still not sure about bringing up the FB message... I don't know, I just feel weird saying, "Ya, I know you are unhappy because you explicitly said so in this private message I read!"

[RdHrshyKss]

i definitely think she dropped a hint, she would have deleted the thread as to prevent you from seeing it if she really didn't want you to know. it looks like she is too much of a coward to be upfront with you, and tries to convince herself that she isn't by telling her friends that you are pressuring her (when you aren't).

i'd sit her down before you go to new york. i wouldn't even bother mentioning the facebook message. just tell her that you don't feel right in the relationship anymore, that you aren't happy and that you don't think she is either. try to make a nice, clean, civil break. and it would be best if you go separate ways now before ny so that she can be with her family and you can get some alone time .

[TheTooya]

Ok, so you told her she can see other guys. This last post clears a lot up. BOTH of you are ready break up but neither of you can muster up the courage to actually do the breaking up. She waiting on you to break up with her and you're waiting on her to break up with you. Both of you know it's gonna happen but you really want to keep in contact in the end. This is where you have to grow a pair and confront her. Just sit her down and tell her how YOU feel about the relationship. If she cant open up and tell you how she REALLY feels about it, then bring up the message you read. As far as the feeling guilty thing, did it ever occur to you that she might have left that message there hoping you'd read it and "catch a hint"? I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case here. I've known people who did cowardly acts such as this to break up with someone because they lacked to decency to do it properly. You weren't snooping at all. She was fully aware that you could go through her fb account so stop stressing about that. Even if she trys to guilt trip you about it, remember she gave you her password.

Follow this advice, he is absolutely right.


... Also, "you kids and your facebook"

[survivor08]

"It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time" Tallulah Bankhead

It's kind of snooping, actually. If she kept her journal in her panty drawer and you read it, that would be snooping too, even though she didn't keep her drawer locked.