a tough decision...plz give me your opinion

[XoXo]

Warning...this message is a long one. please take your time reading it. I appreciate it tremendously. It's very urgent!


I've dated my ex for almost 4 years and i broke up with him in January. I am currently dating my boyfriend ever since March and we fight a lot...a lot more than my previous ex.

You see...the thing is...My ex and I had a long distance relationship. We see each other every 2 weeks or so (he live in St.L and I live in Iowa city) and we talk on the phone a lot. Our relationship was very strong until I went to college (where i met my current bf). I started lying to my ex and eventually we broke up b/c it didn't work out. When we broke up...I was very very unhappy. I didn't know why i was so depress. I thought breaking up with him would be easier for both of us, but it wasn't. I decided to give my current bf a chance..thinking that it could make me happier.

My bf and I started out very good and very romantic and etc....but the more i know him..the more i cry. We fight a lot..like almost every other day. When he gets mad at me...he calls me name like a f***ing bitch and the most horrible names that you can think of. I try breaking up with him several time, but he wouldn't let me. By meaning....he thinks i'm kidding and he would try to do things that would make me happier OR that he'll pretend that the fight didn't even existed. im a soft-hearted person..and i tense to give in to his reasons. I don't know why I just take it? Why?? i can't answer it myself.

Here is the heartache problem.....My ex still loves me very much and I've been talking to him ever since we broke up (yeah yeah yeah...while i'm dating my bf). He just found out that i have a bf and he is very heart-broken. He said that he had plans to moving to Iowa city to live with me and to have a real real bf/gf relationship. But now....it's all a dream. It hurted me really bad knowing that i broke his heart, made him cry, and everything. After i talked to him...I was very unhappy. I cried for two days. I couldn't get him off my mind. I don't know what to do. I seriously don't. please help me find my answer.

My ex is 5 years older than me and he have everything a man can bring to a woman. He has money. I know that he loves me all his heart and I trust him with all my heart in making me happy. But the problem is....it's long distance. I am going to school for a Ph.D degree at the U of I and i don't want to get marry early. I can't move to St.L b/c i still have to take care of my mom. She's sick and she live by herself. He wants to leave everything (his business, family, friends) just to move to IC and be with me. But i can't let him do that. That would be selfish of me, don't you think so??? Another thing about my ex is that he's becoming bald, but other than that...he's ok looking.

In the other hand.....my bf...he's my age, a student, and doesn't know what he want to be in the future. He's handsome, well-built, and a lot of girls like him. he treats me well, but we fight a lot. When we're not fighting...he treats me like a queen and he's very considerate. But when he's mad...he's a total diff. person. I think he have a bi-polar disorder. My family loves him, but my friends don't really like him.

Who shoud i pick? What are your advices to me? If you were me....who would you want to be with and why?

Sorry everybody. I know that it is a long message but I really want to express and tell you all my feelings. I have nobody to talk to and i feel very lost and confuse. I don't want to make a wrong choice and regret in the long run. Please take your time and reply. I would appreciate tremendously. thanks.

~XOXO~

[Ellynn]

Well, honestly I would not stay with a guy who calls me a "fvcking bitch". But thats just me. If you argue more then get along, somethings gotta give. I mean why do you want to put up with that? You need to be firm and get your point across and let him know your sick of how things are and if they don't change, you want out!


I would not go running to your ex necessarily. Sure, he has money and everything, but that definately isn't everything. Plus he has his life and you have yours. You cannot expect him to drop things just like you wouldnt want him to expect you to drop things. YOu said yourself you don't want to settle down for a long time, so why rush into anything?

It almost sounds to me like if you get out of your current relationship, it will only be because you have something else lined up. You said yourself that you ex is going bald and is ok looking. But, honestly I don't see how he would make you any happier. I mean just because you argued less does not mean its gonna work out between you guys. Why not try the single solo route for awhile until you find a guy who you are truly interested in and that treats you with respect and doesn't verbally abuse you on a daily basis?

I dunno, but thats what I would do. I mean your ex is your ex for a reason. You weren't happy with him, so you started seeing your current bf. Now your not happy with your current bf so your talking to you ex. Break that pattern and make a clean break from it all and start over!

[polo]

Go back with your ex. It's obvious that there is a strong love there.

[Sandman]

Go back with your ex. It's obvious that there is a strong love there.

.......A guy that calls his GF a bitch in my opinion is not worthy. And money isn't everything. Do what your heart tells you to do, don't go running to the guy because he has other superficial things going on. The other guy might not have all those great things all guys should have, but if your current BF treats you right, then you should give him that chance.

[XoXo]

thank you for the advices everyone! and i mean it with all my heart too..it's not one of those thank you that ppl say just to be polite. i mean it!!! :-)

another thing that i had in my mind is.... when i argue with my ex...I told him numerous time that i do not like the way he talks to me. And he promise me that he'll change and he never does. The fight just gets bigger and bigger. Last time we got into a fight, i told him to leave my apartment (he lives with me). We didn't talk for like two days. b4 he leave...he talked to me and said all this stuff about what i have to do after he leaves and what bills i have left to pay and etc. There are time that i just want to give up on him and just plainly break it off. But it's so hard for me to do it. I don't know why. Is it b/c i give in so damn easy??? We shares the same bank account, same room, same apartment, we have two puppies together, work at the same place and go to the same school. How can i break it off with him and not give in so easy?


I am thinking about taking the single route for awhile and try to figure out how does my heart feel.

My ex doesn't want to to talk to me b/c it hurts him when i talk to him. It hurts.... I still want to talk to him. I misses him really bad. Why every1? why? i know for a fact that if he started dating someone else....i would be very jealous. More jealous than if my current bf start talking to another girl. Is it b/c i love my ex more than i love my bf? Do i sound like i have more feelings for my ex?

I feel like a very selfish person. I am so ashame of myself for getting into a situation like this. *sigh***

[Ellynn]

Hey it happens. Just gotta figure out a way to get yourself out of this rut.

Whats up with sharing a bank account with your bf?? I understand for bills etc, but still if your not married thats risky. If hes pissed he could just blow your money.

Anyways, I see how your kinda stuck, but honestly is it worth it? I have a friend in a similiar situation with her man (minus the ex in the picture.) He treats her like shit and then moves out and then apologizes saying it will never happen again and then moves back in. Well thats all happened several times in the past few months. Nothing ever changes..
The Only way I think things could possibly change for the better is letting him know your serious and putting your foot down and spending some time solo for awhile. Figure out what YOU really want. Then go from there.

I'm not saying to rule out your ex, just take some time solo and see whats out there and in the meantime it will give your ex time to decide what he really wants. Then if things work out great, if not then at least your not stuck in bad relationship in the meantime.

[XoXo]

im sharing the same bank account with him b/c he needed an account. he lost all his paperworks and ID so he couldn't open one. We work at the same place and whenever he gets his check....he have to sign it over to me so i can deposit it into the bank. it's ok....i trust him ellynn. I DO FEEL like i'm married. something that i am scared of. My friends don't really like hanging out with him and i dunno y. They never tell me. None of my friends know what happens behind the close doors. That is y i decided to go into this forum and release myself b/c i had no one to talk to.

I am afraid if i go onto the single route...i'm afraid i am missing out on a great guy (my ex) or a person that may change for me in the future. I don't want to regret my actions. That is why this decision is so tough for me. Thank you ellynn for the advices!!! bunch of thx!

[Ellynn]

So many people stay in bad relationships out of fear of being alone or single. And if you stay with your current bf, you will end up losing your ex anyways.