I need him..

[runnersva1]

Hey guys! My name is Sophia, and I have quite a story to tell you. I want all of you with the time, patience, and beautiful advice to keep on reading because I need YOU. I need you to tell me what I should and should not do. Be honest; be sincere; tell me what you would want to hear.

I grew up an only child with a single mom raising me. We weren't rich, but we didn't live on the streets or in a semi-nice house. It was an apartment. It was just us, with the incoming dates and my grandparents visiting each weekend. I was well-liked but a lot of trouble. I remember being sent to the principal's office in Kindergarten for "fighting with pencils". So, as you might've concluded, I had a lot of anger growing up, and that confused anger turned into anger towards men as I grew up.

I was so confused about my dad. Why did he leave? What'd I do? Etc..etc. I'd watch other girls get picked up and swung around by their dads, while my mom taught me to braid my hair. I loved my mom, but I needed my father. So. He came once when I was five. It was the perfect outing. We ate seafood then came back to the house. It was pretty late, so I went in my bed and pretended to sleep. I wanted my daddy to come tuck me in, but he never came..ever. He left. I waited by the phone everyday at 4 o'clock for his call, but he never stuck to his promise to call.

I got over that as a child because I didn't much understand the situation, and I definitely didn't have any andwers. Plus, my mom began dating again.

When I was seven, she met someone who she got pretty serious about. In fact, we all moved in together. This meant me starting a new school, but it was the summer do I started at a camp first

I had no idea how much this move, this camp, and this new school would change my life, my idea on men, and my personality. It was here at summer camp, at the age of seven, that I met the love of my life.

I was a new girl, so I walked into camp a shy girl with beach blonde hair anda wicked dark tan. I must say, I was adorable growing up. The first girl I met was Rachel. She and I became the best of friends, and she ntroduced me to everyone in our group, including John. John was the cutest boy I had ever seen! I smiled at him all the time, but I also noticed he liked Rachel. I was so upset about this. I wanted John all to myself.

One day, while we were sitting in line, John came up to me, pointed, and said, "Hey. You see that boy over there?" I looked in the direction he was pointing. It was a round boy with sun spots and a weird laugh that he was pointing to.. "He likes you!" John said with a chuckle. I thought to myself, "Oh great. That kid is going to ruin my chance with John by trying to get near me!"

Yes. I was only seven, but I have quite the memory.

From that day forward, I remember that that big boy, Jack, didn't turn out as I thought he'd be, he wasn't obsessive, he didn't try to come near me, and he certainly didn't show he liked me. So, I remember starting to like him. He was curious, like he had a secret, and I wanted to know it so badly!

I waved to Jack everyday until the last day of camp. We had talked a few times, but I had no idea how much we'd talk later in life...

When I started the second grade, I was nervous. I had a more lenient uniform then the one I had at private school the previous year.

I walked into school shy, but then after I spotted someone I knew in the crowd my fears disappeared. Jack was here. I remember him sitting and talking with a girl, but I found out later It was his cousin. STILL. The second I saw them I was so jealous.

I spent the whole year chasing after him. I sent him little love notes, chased him (literally), and he was even my first kiss! I jumped on his back in the middle of the soccer field and kissed him on the lips! He was my everything.. He was my first true little kid love, but then he turned into being me true .TRUE love.. In middle school, junior high, and now, high school.

I spent years chasing after him. It was only in the sixth, seventh, and eighth grade that I loosened up and became best friends with him. He knew about the story about my dad, he knew what bugged me, my personality, how strict and overprotective my mother was/is, everything. He became the person who knew me best. And eventually, I was okay with being just friends. In fact, I went out with a few other boys that I sort of liked. None of those relationships worked out, but I still did it and Jack knew about all of them. In fact, between 6th and 8th grade, I was so crazy about his best friend Joseph. Joseph made me smile everytime I saw him. I loved him so much, and when I changed back to private school for ninth grade I cried that whole summer over Joseph.

Then.. I realized something towards the end of that summer... I never grieved over losing Jack. For the first tms, I'd be at school without him. I wouldn't see him everyday. We wouldn't drive each other crazy, get int trouble with our teachers, or laugh at each there's ridicules.

He was never really physical with me. In fact, until recently, he hadn't hugged me very much either. He had one girlfriend for one week in the seventh grade.

I think he has fear of commitment because his parents suffered from a terrible divorce..

But anyways, I called him that summer. And guess what? He had kissed someone else for the first time since that first kiss of ours in the second grade. But I wasn't sad. I was happy for him! Jack was growing up. I had kissed plenty of boys since second grade, so he deserved someone to kiss, too!

I called again when schools started, and I told him all about the all girl private school. It was different, I said, especially after getting into SO much trouble with boys at coed public school for all those years. I told Jim I missed it, but I liked my new school.

The girl he kissed was a one time thing. He met her on vacation and she meant nothing. He told me everything about school, the girl, and how much he..missed me.

That December he started to tell me about how we should hangout. He invited *me places, but I could ever go. My mom is strict when it comes to plans, always has been. She wants the best and safest life for me. She liked Jack though so I knew shed come around one day she knew his mom, all about me and Jack's crazy friendship, and he I was so crazy in love with him still after all those years.

So finally, we hungout. I walked from the gym to his house across the street. It wasn't awkward at all. He let me in, we talked, and then I said to give me a tour of his house. Of course the tour ended with his room. But to my surprise, we just talked for 3 hours. Then, when his dad came home, I left. No kiss, nothing.
Two hours later..I went back. We talked for another hour. Then when it was two minuted before I had to leave, we made out. When I say it was worth the wait..I mean it.

SO MUCH CHEMISTRY.

I left, and then the next day I snuck out to meet him. I stayed at his house from 11-4:30 am. We talked for 3 hours and kissed for 2.5. He touched me in all the right places. It was such a magical night. And even before it got physical, we talked so genuinely to each other. He told me about his sister who had an abusive father, about our plans for college and professions, high school, each other. He even made me laugh so hard I literally peed!

I left so happy. I had to wake up at 6 am the next day, but even with 2 hours of sleep, I was so energized the next day. I was in love; this I knew for sure.

I realized I left my iPod at his house. I wanted so badly to walk back over and get it, but jack was leaving for Colorado. I told him to have a great trip and call me when he gets back.

We didn't talk all that week he was out of town, and when he came back, he was busy at his mom's house (far away from mine). The next week was a parade, he never answered me to tell me if he was going, but as I was leaving, I saw him with Joseph. I hugged them both, but we didn't talk much. After that, I invited him to my friend's party, but he had to get up early and go to the city with his dad. The third week, it was his dad's birthday. One month, he was at his mom's house. Now.. He's back, but I can't text him OR receive texts because I don't have a phone.

I told him that I was confused about what was going on and that I'd wait for him to let me know when he was free. He hasn't.. I still love him very very much, but I'm confused. Did he use me? I asked him that, but he said no of course not.

He even told me how great the other night was! He was truthful, too. He kissed me so passionately, and we didn't want to stop. We almost didn't! I could tell how he felt just by the way he kissed and looked at me. He really loves me.

Is he scared? How long do I wait? I miss him, and I play that moment over and vet in my head all the time. I love him with all of my heart, and I can't lose him.. Not like I lost my dad. I NEED Jack in my life. I don't know how to live without him..

Respond if you read please! I need some advice from other passionate people!

[AJSerenity]

Hi runnersva1! First off, you have my sympathy over this complicated situation.

From my male perspective on all this, it seems like Jack has a genuine interest in you. Usually when guys want to "hit it and quit it", they won't spend that much time with a female. He's probably just real busy yet has you in the back of his mind.

At the same time, I will say this: when we men feel like we've "won" a woman over (i.e. we know she likes us and is "into us"), we have this tendency to not try as hard to impress. Jack could also be thinking that he already has you and that he does not have to "work as hard" to "keep" you so to speak. My suggestion would be to go without a week of calling/texting him. When he calls, let him go to voicemail and then return his call later. This will help send the msg that you're not always available and that time together is valuable.

These are my thoughts/opinions. I hope this helps. I know some online resources that can further help if you are interested. Take care

[runnersva1]

That helps so much. Thank you! I completely understand where you're coming from on that.

I followed that advice to try to keep it cool, but I had sent him quite a few texts (about 3-4) in which he did not respond. Did I possibly push him away by doing so?

Thanks again for your advice and sympathy.

[Wakeup]

I love him with all of my heart, and I can't lose him.. Not like I lost my dad. I NEED Jack in my life. I don't know how to live without him..

You're putting far, far too much value on him.

You DO know how to live without him because you've done so before you met him and you can certainly do it again. Leave him alone and if he comes to you then great, but don't make the mistake of giving him all of you (like the above quote) before you know how he actually feels about you. He's not showing you that he cares all that much at this point. Even when someone is busy, if they are invested, they will make time.

If you're having a hard time coming to terms with your father being absent then consider some councelling to help you with that. You certainaly don't want to be picking and falling for the wrong men because of past unresolved issues.

[runnersva1]

You're 100% correct. I try to follow that advice and not let my emotions get the best of me. Thank you for the encouragement and input.

I will definitely try to make time for counseling, too.

[runnersva1]

Thanks for the advice once again. I'm so grateful that people like you actually to the time to read and respond to my entries.

I'm going to try to deal with my inner emotions instead of pushing them away, but I'm also going to try to give him space and time, I'm not giving up; I'm just going to take a break.

Thanks again, and I'll check out your home page for sure!