girl problems :S

[Scotty235]

so this year i meet this girl and we became really good friends...we talked a lot and she told me everything, and i told her everything....soo we started dating and it didnt work out to well so we kinda broke up....and after a bit we got back together for a bit.....then we kinda broke up....so we kinda both got confused....she says she likes me...and i really like her...but she says she doesnt feel anything between us...and i feel thats kinda my fault for choking...for not showing affection to her....i want to get another chance but she says that its not the right time and that she sees me as a bffe...i see her as more how do i get her to feel the same way....thanks in advance for all the help...

[GrkScorp]

First of all, i'm not a girl..

Secondly.. your story reminds me of every season finale' from Sex & the City..

Now, would it be too much to ask for you to put up YOUR age and HER age?

Not that it matters; I can see what's wrong here.. YOU (don't take it personal.. allow me to explain)

Obviously YOU are not the problem in the sense that something is WRONG with you, or else she wouldn't go out with you in the first place.. So what do I mean?

Well, for starters, you think that it's your fault because you "chocked and didn't show her enough affection".. BUT that's how YOU SEE IT.. you also posted an "IOD" (Indicator of Disinterest).. which she ran past you.. but you failed to pick up on.. go ahead.. take a second.. scan your post.. I hope you see it.. no? don't see it?

"its not the right time and that she sees me as a bffe".. COMMON! "it's not the right time?" wtf does that even mean? you realize that makes no sense.. if a woman is interested.. she doesn't toss that crap your way..

But before I beat this topic dry.. the more important question needs to be asked.. "What's her number now that she's single?".. no.. relax.. i'm just kidding.. the question is.. "Is it pointless to try and get back with her? If not, what do I have to do?"

O.K. i'm going to go out on a whim here and "cold-read" you.. so i'm going to play my chances and guess that you're a nice guy.. how did I make that guess? Well; you're on LF, relatively new, so here for GETTING advice, not GIVING.. AND.. here's the key actually.. (your default instincts are telling you that she feels this way because you haven't been giving her enough affection, etc).. so it all adds up to this nice guy image..

The type of guy you DON'T want to look like to her is not actually the "nice guy".. it's not about nice guy v.s. jerk/bad boy.. it's about weak guy vs. strong guy.. and the strong guy always wins.. (or at least looks more attractive and desireable).. NO! don't go rushing to a gym.. that's not what I mean.. here's an example:

I just came back from a bar.. here is some sample dialog;

Her: Do you know if this place is famous for any drinks? (This is a test; women want to test if you're WEAK, a push-over; and if you are.. it means free drinks and an ego boost for them.. and snubbing for you)
WRONG ANSWER: Yeah, you haven't tried thier Mojito?!? Bartender! A mojito for me, and one for the lady. (Mistake; you just came off looking weak, and desperate, both unattractive qualities.. on top of that, you didn't resist, so you're EASY, not interesting, and not enough of a challenge to create tension and attraction)
RIGHT ANSWER: Umm.. yeah, this place makes the best mojito in the city. Curious enough to try it? (Her: Yeah).. well, the bartender is right there, get me one while you're at it, I miss the mojitos here. (WTF? I know what you're thinking, no way you want me to say this or be like this. Actually, that's exactly what i'm telling you. Is it a bit cocky? Yes, i'm not going to lie, but it's so much more. It's not being a push-over, not being weak, resisting, not showing direct interest, adding something unfamiliar, presenting a challenge.. in short, you're creating a sense of something unfamiliar, which makes you interesting, which makes you attractive, which makes you desireable)

Now, apply this to the same dialog, see if you get the drift:

Her: What kind of gentleman are you? You're not even going to offer to get me a drink?
(A): I'm sorry, bartender, can I get 1 I'm-such-a-wuss, and 1 I'm-also-a-push-over for the lady?
(B): Sorry, but I don't buy drinks for girls; but you're more than welcome to get me one, now that you mention it, I could really go for one myself.

Great! You know how to keep a tight game at a bar.. but how will this help you NOW? How does this even apply to you? What is the lesson to be learned?

The lesson is simple;

1. Don't be a push-over, or someone weak who will constantly chase after her in an attempt to win her over. This will make you look less attractive to her, and the more you do it, the lower she will see you in her eyes.

2. Be someone strong, confident in yourself, and don't fall for her tests (to see if she has control over you to make you do her bidding to please her).. These tests are subtle, but watch out for them.. they can either be direct or indirect gestures hinting at "getting her a drink, taking her to some place, buying her something, etc".. just don't do it.. and make it clear that you have no intention of doing so..

3. You want to seem INTERESTING.. not DESPERATE.. so instead of going up to her and practically begging to get back together or "trying to work things out".. just ask her to come with you this weekend to do something "with friends".. this is easy.. she'll feel comfortable since it's not a "date".. and it'll give you time to work your game..

4. While you're out.. work it.. start hitting her with negs.. (suggest that you don't like her anymore, without being explicit about it).. how can you do this? Simple comments.. "Omg! Haha! I never noticed how funny your nose looked until now.. it moves when you talk, like Samantha the witch.. lol.. it's funny-looking".. or.. talking to the rest of the group say "Did (the girl's name) eat alphabet soup or something today? Caz all she's been doing is pooping words.. man! where's her off-switch?" (What does this do? It creates tension.. she'll be thinking, "O.K. wow, there's no way he's saying this stuff to be or about me if he's attracted to me.. so he's not attracted to me.. so why did he call me out today? are we just friends? does he feel like that already? maybe he really wasn't that interested in me, maybe it was all in my head, but why? WHY? am I not worth him being interested in?")

5. Here's the hook.. be super-fun with your friends that day.. I mean.. if there's an alpha-male in that group.. don't call him out that day.. YOU have to be the leader-of-the-pack.. you have to stand out amung all guys.. and command all female attention in that group.. WHY? (this is the equivalent of seeing a nice butt, boobs, and hips on a woman... only.. this is sexy and attractive to a girl.. it's almost automatically attractive to see that you're the leader amung the guys, AND that other women are interested in you and that you have their attention..).. so just do it.. without giving in to her..

6. Watch out for her Indicators of Interest.. some are active (touching, finding reasons to get closer).. some are passive (staying with you or around you and NOT leaving with her friends to the bathroom, etc.).. The trick is.. don't give in! DON'T GIVE IN! let her feed you IOIs.. but don't give any back.. you don't want to be that easy.. that's not interesting enough.. that's not enough of a challenge.. you want her to work for it.. and SLOWLY find reason to give in..

7. It's finally time to give in.. but not so fast.. WHY? This is important.. you have to have REASON.. and it can't be just because she's touching you or you feel her energy.. NO! In your situation.. you almost have to rediscover something about her.. how you forgot how funny/fun/sweet/nice/etc she was (don't comment on her physically).. and sort of show that the IOIs you're going to slowly be throwing back at her, have some underlying legitimate reason..

What will this do? This will make you look more attractive to her.. something that you don't look like right now in her eyes.. and that's pretty clear the more someone digs at your message and analyzes it.. but no reason to feel self-consious.. you came here for help.. and that's what you got.. believe me.. this is going to work.. but don't just take my word on it.. listen to what everyone has to say.. and pick and do what YOU feel is right..

best of luck

[mainload]

Good answer GrkScorp!