Worried about thoughts and feelings..

[JadenMia]

I have been with my partner for 3+ years now, living together for 2.5 years. I am truly happier than I thought I ever could be. We have children together and we generally have a great relationship, with the odd ups and downs but have always came out stronger. We are due to marry in July 2016. I love him very much and I feel like he is my true soul mate.

Since planning my wedding, my ex has been appearing in my dreams. A lot. I shrugged it off, 3 weeks ago he called me, had nothing to say and apologized for getting the wrong number. I shrugged that off, although I started thinking about the way we ended.
He was physically and emotionally abusive. Our relationship was obsessive and jealous and we ended abruptly when he went to court after being charged for being violent in public. He asked me to call when the court date was over, I did and he told me we couldn't talk anymore. That was the last time we spoke.

My best friend told me today she had run into him at a concert and he was bringing up our relationship a lot and seemed to harbour a lot of resentment and wouldn't drop the conversation about us.
I am now thinking about it a lot, I feel like I need some sort of closure before I marry my fiancé. I feel like I need to finally get it off my chest and put that part of my life behind me.. I'm worried that I feel this way!? I'm worried I haven't fully let him go and I worry that it's going to affect my current amazing relationship.
I don't love my ex anymore, I let that go pretty much as soon as it ended. But I can't shake the feeling that I want to find level ground with him and seek 'closure'.. I just feel that because we never spoke to end things.. It never ended. If that makes sense. It feels like an ongoing part of my life that I need to end physically.


Any advice? Any input would be amazing.. Thanks in advance.

[basilandthyme]

If you're thinking of getting closure from meeting your ex, it's not going to happen - unless that closure includes being blamed for all that went wrong. In the strongest terms I suggest you do not meet him.

Look for closure in your personal growth. Think about the shit you went through and how much you've learned and what you wouldn't accept in a relationship anymore. Think about how your personal safety has changed from a negative to a positive.

Give closure to yourself.

[JadenMia]

If you're thinking of getting closure from meeting your ex, it's not going to happen - unless that closure includes being blamed for all that went wrong. In the strongest terms I suggest you do not meet him.

Look for closure in your personal growth. Think about the shit you went through and how much you've learned and what you wouldn't accept in a relationship anymore. Think about how your personal safety has changed from a negative to a positive.

Give closure to yourself.

Thankyou for that, I think I just needed to hear it from someone out of the circle. I don't think I would ever meet him, heck the thought of just calling makes me feel sick. But since hearing from my friend the way he was talking about us, made me feel the need to defend myself, apologize for everything that happened and let him know I do not and never really hated him.. I think it just bothers me deep down that he took the situation as intentional on my part and I guess I just hate that!
I also hate that he even has a space in my brain at such a happy time for me.. Grr. I thought I had put everything long behind me, but recently I wonder if I really have at all.
Maybe in time, he will stop insisting bringing me up when he knows it will come back to me.

[basilandthyme]

Glad you're feeling a bit better now. Yes, it's infuriating when someone else's truth is the opposite of ours, but sadly, there's little we can do about it.

I would also ask your friends to not pass on gossip. You mind wouldn't be doing these cartwheels if your friend hadn't passed on the gossip.

[Wakeup]

Why would you want to tell him you never really hated him? He doesn't deserve knowing that about you.

You get closure from within, not from someone else, Jaden. If this eats at you then talk to your therapist about it and with her/his help you will get the insight you need to close the door from yourself without ever having to talk to him.

... and, yes. Tell ANY ONE who starts to talk to you about him to stop. You need a personal boundary about him like that that you will not let anyone cross. That conversation is what has brought all this negative emotion up in you again. Its like having a drag on a cigarette when you have quit for "3+" years. It makes you dizzy, guilty, craving once again so don't have any drags off any cigs, ever again.

[Nicolelong]

I don't see what there is to be gained from contacting him. I think we all have relationships where we wished we had said something/done something different in the end, and it often feels unfinished. If you meet him, you will only give him an opportunity to manipulate you or confuse your feelings. You tried to be together, it didn't work, and you went on with your lives separately. That's it.

You say you have a happy life with a great man with children you share together... why in the world jeopardize that??? You do not need to be hearing about him from anyone. Let him be pissy about you all he wants, you've moved on to better things

[JadenMia]

Thankyou for all the input and advice.
I don't know why I have this urge, it upsets me more than anything that I am still addicted to him in a small way, that just hearing about it, and most of all hearing his voice again could bring back everything just like that.

I know I would never gain closure from him and I know he will never ever see anything that happened the same way I did and see his own faults as well as mine.
I used to fantasize that maybe one day he would apologize, just for being so harsh to me and then blaming me for everything.

I also feel overwhelming guilt for my fiancé. He would be so disappointed in me if he knew that I had these thoughts..
I don't think il ever act on the urge to call my ex though. It's just a fantasy that I have thought about since we ended, that one day, we would talk and this all would be put behind us. But I know I have to do that without him.
Thanks again