I think I might be falling for a girl I shouldn't be falling for.

[Bobtropolis]

Hi people. I hope this isn't a judgmental place because I need serious advice. I can't rely on friends or family because of the delicacy of the situation. Whew... okay here goes:

I met this girl last year in college. She's funny and beautiful. Her smile is like a sunrise. She melts me. It's awful and great.

She has a boyfriend. Dating 3 months though so I assume it isn't terribly serious. Plus she sometimes talks about how certain behaviors of his bother her.

At first we were just friends in class. Then we exchanged numbers. Then we went out with mutual friends. Then .. this week we went out alone, to a bar. We got kind of drunk and went back to her place. Nothing happened. Well... we talked but nothing physical. She teases me flirtatiously and I, her. The looks she gives me out of nowhere look like "I want you to want me." It kills me.

Last night we almost kissed, I swear. It was close.

Under normal circumstances it'd be cool. I'd be thrilled. Things are looking up.

Here's the first problem: I have a girlfriend, well... fiancee. We've been living together for over 5 years and I haven't let her know I'm hanging out with another girl.

Problem two: This new girl is almost 8 years younger than me. I'm 29, she's 21. It's a bit off.

I don't what to do. Logically I should just stop contact with this new girl and forget she existed. Problem with that is that the more I try the harder it gets. I've been painting pictures of her, writing songs about her. I think about her day and night. This girl is driving me crazy, and I don't even KNOW FOR SURE that she likes me like I like her. If I tell her she might bolt. What should I do?

Also my fiance has picked up on me being away from home at odd hours (I lie as to my location) and she's getting clingy. She wasn't clingy before. She's been asking me incessantly "Do you still love me?" "What's gotten into you?" and I can't tell her that I'm completely messed up in my head. I'm so confused. It's 2:30 in the morning now and all I can do is listen to sad music and yearn. I'm a mess.

[tremolo]

It's pretty obvious that you're going to have to choose between your fiancee and this other girl. What you're doing to your fiancee is pretty shitty, if you ask me. But then, maybe you should take this as a sign that you're not meant to be with her. Clearly, the fiancee is a safe bet and you will risk quite a lot if you were to pursue things with this other woman. But if you're an honorable, standup guy, you won't try to have your cake and eat it too. You need to a make a decision and make it quickly. And I might just point out that it would be extremely shitty of you to feel out the situation with the other girl any further before you make that decision.

For the future - this is why it's not a great idea to spend time one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex when you're in a committed relationship. There is always the potential for you to develop feelings for that person and **** up your life by becoming confused, as you presently are.

[searock]

Break up with your fiancee.

Then you can start thinking about anything else.

[Phoenix23]

See where she stands, what she feels. If she's not interested, then you can let it go. If she is, then you can consider who you'd rather be with.
If you never felt that way about your finance, then maybe she's not the one for you. I can't really judge.

[HeartIsAching]

Break up with your fiancee.

Put yourself in her shoes... what if she were hanging out with some other guy, getting drunk and "almost kissing" him?

[nerdlover]

well y dont u try to remember what it was like when u and ur fiance first got together..... you always love the beginning of a relationship and the feeling u feel for this girl wont be the same 5 years later...also she is just teasing you girls like attention....i know i am one.....but i would never ever!!!!! cheat on my boyfriend let alone get involved with someone while i was with him.... just plz for the sake of ur fiance remember y u love her in the 1st place before u make a decison but u will have to choose

[Bobtropolis]

Well I went over the deep end. We held hands in lecture and when I was having a casual conversation later with another classmate, I mentioned my fiancee and he said "Oh that chick you were holding hands and whispering with?" and it sobered me up. Time to s*** or get off the pot. I think at this point she likes me not just in a joking/teasing way. She was giving me THE most strong bedroom eyes yesterday at the bar. We smoked up and layed in the grass on campus, holding hands and joked about stuff, talked about stuff. We kind of agreed that this is crazy, us both being in relationships and all. Awkward after that. We haven't spoken. It's hard to "get over" someone in this situation.

Also my fiancee went through my phone and now she's (rightly so) pissed off. She doesn't have any ... evidence ... but she was mad at the sheer number of my texts with this girl over my texts with her. She openly forbade me from having contact with her anymore and I don't know what to do. I'm so torn.

When my fiancee and I first started going out, things were great but we were younger. I was 23 and she was 21. Over the years she's finished college and almost finished master's school. She's in a stressful job and we have a house. Our lives are more complicated and we have less time to love eachother like we used to. I've taken to going back to some of my old hobbies/mannerisms from when I was 23, like wearing my lip ring, and dressing like a punk. I took up the guitar again. I hadn't thought of it but looking at myself objectively I am trying to become younger. It's really sad, but it's working. I've been really happy and feeling less stressed.

Another big thing recently is that about the beginning of this semester was when my anti-depressants started kicking in, which has OPENED MY EYES and made me realize how depressed I was for years and years. This coincided with reconnecting with the cute "Ramona Flowers"-esque girl from college. Bad timing, bad decisions made, and the true sign of ignorance -- I'm not stopping after realizing my error. I can't seem to help it. As much as I try and fight this feeling I can't seem to. I can't even really distract myself. I think I'm really falling in. Superficial or circumstantial or whathaveyou, it feels the same.

[aylie]

i think you just miss that feeling u get when u first like someone and the fact that shes taken and u are too makes u want her even more and
this girl is young 21. i know its just a fun thing to do.. im 19 and guy im seeing is 27 he even tells me its a turn on that im younger than him
either way.. you should make up your mind and be honest to your fiancee she def doesnt deserve that.

[Bobtropolis]

I know she doesn't. She's a great person. I'm honestly not trying to feel out the situation with new girl, I just can't stay away from her, and vise versa. The weird thing is it's not even a sex thing. I haven't even considered that. I just want to kiss her, just once. I'd be on cloud nine.

I gotta end things with my fiancee. This isn't going to go away. whether or not I get with new girl my fiancee deserves a better guy, and I don't think I'm willing to be that guy. Sadly.

[aylie]

I know she doesn't. She's a great person. I'm honestly not trying to feel out the situation with new girl, I just can't stay away from her, and vise versa. The weird thing is it's not even a sex thing. I haven't even considered that. I just want to kiss her, just once. I'd be on cloud nine.

I gotta end things with my fiancee. This isn't going to go away. whether or not I get with new girl my fiancee deserves a better guy, and I don't think I'm willing to be that guy. Sadly.

wow thats a big decision think it out. ur in a state of lust i believe and it will fade and im afraid you might realize u messed up and shouldnt have ended things with your fiancee then again its not fair to her..
but again take a little time aand think it through

[Bobtropolis]

I am going to but the longer I take to make this decision the closer I get to making a mistake that will make me feel like a bad person for the rest of my life. Not to mention my fiancee shouldn't have that done to her. I feel like I'm being swept down a river, honestly. I'm not saying that to pull blame off myself either. It's just the sensation.

[Bobtropolis]

Went out again yesterday. Lied about it to my fiancee. We had a fancy dinner + drinks, then went to a bar and had more drinks, then smoked a ton of green, then went back to her place. We were both messed up... she opened a condom with her mouth and tongue and I said "I have to go home now."

Whew. It was the most fun night I've had in years.

[kitty001]

sounds like you love the rush more than you love your fiancee, i feel bad for her.
also, doesn't this new chick have a boyfriend of her own? do neither of you have a conscience..or spine?
grow some balls and make a decision. you realize you're cheating on your fiancee though you haven't had sex with the new girl yet..right?

[wanderlustboy]

We smoked up and layed in the grass on campus, holding hands and joked about stuff, talked about stuff. We kind of agreed that this is crazy, us both being in relationships and all. Awkward after that. We haven't spoken. It's hard to "get over" someone in this situation.

When my fiancee and I first started going out, things were great but we were younger. I was 23 and she was 21. Over the years she's finished college and almost finished master's school. She's in a stressful job and we have a house. Our lives are more complicated and we have less time to love eachother like we used to. I've taken to going back to some of my old hobbies/mannerisms from when I was 23, like wearing my lip ring, and dressing like a punk. I took up the guitar again. I hadn't thought of it but looking at myself objectively I am trying to become younger. It's really sad, but it's working.

So your fiancee busts her arse at work to bring home the bacon, while you 'rediscover yourself' by smoking pot, dressing like a punk and pretending you're 20? If I were her, I would be ****ing furious.

Just four words of advice; grow the **** up. As other people have pointed out, you're supposed to be getting married soon. This is a disgraceful way to treat your fiancee, particularly as it's almost certain that you're in the friend zone with this young girl (and she herself is in a relationship!), you don't really know her that well, and so you're damaging your relationship with your fiancee over something that is illusory anyway. You label your fiancee clingy; what that is called is concern when she notices the man she intends to marry and has been with for years is teling blatant lies and spending time with extremely young women.

You have a real life and a real future with your fiancee; the fact that you're lusting after this young girl who has not given any firm indication of interest, and at the same time you are trying to claw onto the last shreds of carefree youth would suggest to me it has nothing to do with this girl, and probably an issue about being scared of commitment, or change, or any number of other things. Try to think rationally about how you'd feel if you broke it off with your fiancee, and were left with nothing because this girl doesn't leave her boyfriend. Oh, and the other four-word sentence, keep that in mind too.

[wanderlustboy]

Went out again yesterday. Lied about it to my fiancee. We had a fancy dinner + drinks, then went to a bar and had more drinks, then smoked a ton of green, then went back to her place. We were both messed up... she opened a condom with her mouth and tongue and I said "I have to go home now."

Whew. It was the most fun night I've had in years.

This gets worse with new posts. You lied to someone you claim to love (well.. not to us, anyway.. but I imagine you still tell her you love her); and we're not talking about answering no to "Does my bum look big in this?". You lied to cover the fact that you are going to be catching up with a young woman for dinner and drinks, a bit of illegal drug use and a hairs breadth near miss from sexual infidelity.

And in a second post now you've indicated that you consumed an illegal drug in a public place for a second time. I don't have a problem with people discreetly using an illegal drug now and then in the privacy of their own home; I might do it once a year myself. But ffs, you're risking getting arrested and charged with a drug offence, which may (depending on your state laws) seriously affect your employment prospects in a negative way. Who will carry the can if you are convicted and unable to get a job (entirely concievable considering the level of unemployment in the US).

From your posts, it sounds like you study full-time and your SO works full-time. So are you spending the money she earns to take this girl out to dinner and buy pot? Are you really going to be so cheeky as to get up to this kind of nonsense when your fiancee is supporting you financially while you study?

Perhaps if you treated your fiancee every now and then to the kind of night you mentioned, rather than lying to her and lavishing attention on a nobody who will be nothing to you a year from now, you wouldn't feel the need to look elsewhere? Or is it as I originally guessed (and you tacitly admitted), it has less to do with this girl and more to do with living a fantasy about how old you are and what your responsibilities and the expectations of you are.

Very simple advice here, and I don't think you can really disagree; man up, take responsibility for choices you have already made (that you are in a committed relationship), and cut off contact with the girl. Then you can take an honest look at your relationship with your fiance; if it really is not meant to be, you can end it having behaved in an honourable fashion. The alternative is to act like an utter prick and humiliate the woman who has devoted years of her life to you so you can pursue this selfish and unhealthy Dylan-esque fantasy relationship with a complete non-entity; don't be surprised if the buyer's remorse is literally more than you are able to bear if you choose the latter.

wlboy