Recover from being needy in a relationship.

[londonlad1]

Hello

I'm in a relationship at the moment that started out amazingly, there was plenty of attraction between us both. It was as though we both added something extra to each others lives, and no matter what we did it was comforting to know there was the other person out there.

I went on holiday a few months ago with people I didn't get on with and it drastically affected my self esteem. Since then I have become very vulnerable and have shared all of my problems with him. I mean everything, telling him I had no friends, I wasn't interested in anything, I didn't know how to do my university work etc. I was blinded at the time and couldn't see that this was pushing him away. As he closed up I became more insecure and constantly questioned his love for me. He acted differently around me than he did anyone else. It seemed as though he resented me for taking up so much of his time, but at the time he was swallowed up be it almost as if he thought he didn't have a choice. He continued to withdraw himself from me and it got to the point where he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me. He said I'm not the person he fell in love with. Every time I suggested to do anything you could tell he wasn't as enthused to do it as he would be if a friend were to ask. He lost respect for me and as a result didn't make an effort around me. He seemed to continuously switch 'on' and 'off'.

After speaking to him a lot about the entire breakup he admitted he still has feelings for me. He's the type of person that burys or distracts himself from his emotions. I can't help but feel I persuaded him into giving the relationship another go. However, he still seems cold with me. Any communication he has with me seems forced, he doesn't suggest to do anything with me. It's as though he doesn't feel the need to reach out to me, I no longer validate him. I'm left feeling as though I'm on the outside and he's a different person to the person I fell in love with. I feel almost as if he is superior to me now, whereas before I felt like we were both on the same level. He doesn't like to 'talk' about the relationship because it's all I've subjected him to (for an hour a day) over the last 2/3 months. He seems to get frustrated in the event I do ever mention anything to do with the relationship. He doesn't seem to be working towards having a relationship at all though, I don't know what I am to him or what he expects our relationship to become. I can't force someone to be in a relationship with me, and saying "If you want to have a relationship with me that works you're going to have to put some effort in" doesn't work because they're only words. I can't change how he feels with words.

I don't know what I can do to remedy the situation? I have been quite needy towards him. Should I back off and see if he pulls forward or is it pretty much the end of the relationship?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[sweetkissesforu]

You need to do something really fun and exciting do something different from what you are use to

[girl68]

What REALLY happned on the trip? A vacation that doesn't go smoothly doesn't just make you crazy overnight. I'm not buying it.

[xxazurexx]

Sounds like you have constantly been in his face this past 2/3 months and despite your trying to convince him, he remains cold and distant. Neediness can drain people. It's a form of slow suffocation and you have the guy feeling trapped. When we feel trapped, we look to escape. He doesn't make the effort and because you give him no incentive to make the effort.

So yes, I'd back way off and give the guy a break.

[sweetkissesforu]

[url=http://www.yourtango.com/200940066/5-ways-stop-being-needy-girlfriend]5 Ways To Stop Being A Needy Girlfriend | YourTango[/url]

[dguywithabeard]

If he loved/liked you before, it would have been because he was able to see and love who you truly are. Then, even when you lost your self esteem, he would have still been able to see that same person, love her, and stand by her.
Never, EVER agree to less than that!
On the other hand, when you act very needy, you are asking for reassurance regarding the relationship itself. Too much. In other words, if you are constantly returning to the question "should we be together?" (by being needy, and wanting a constant answer to that question, emotionally) you are not allowing the realtionship to grow. It's like going on vacation and constantly questioning if you should have stayed at home. It kills the fun. So next time you are needy, try to get what you need within the relationship, and not by getting reassurance about the relationship itself.

[url]http://beforeyoubuythering.tumblr.com/[/url]

[londonlad1]

Thanks for the advice, any more would be appreciated.

[red_sparrow]

Sounds like you have constantly been in his face this past 2/3 months and despite your trying to convince him, he remains cold and distant. Neediness can drain people. It's a form of slow suffocation and you have the guy feeling trapped. When we feel trapped, we look to escape. He doesn't make the effort and because you give him no incentive to make the effort.

So yes, I'd back way off and give the guy a break.

not only guys.. i think I'd feel pretty trapped if a guy was that needy..

[RockNRoll]

He doesn't sound confident about relationship, not sure how it will end. Seems like you are stuck. Maybe you two can get over it, so try to give/have more space, be generally happy and to boost your confidence and independence.
These "work on relationship" and "put more effort" mentioned a few times would scare me and cause a second thought. I'm a girl, I expect men have even stronger reaction. Relationship should be fun, not an extra trouble and lots of tiresome work. If you want something changed - say it directly, without those phrases or too general request for "effort". Back off, spend less time together, and have fun when you meet, stop talking it over,

[londonlad1]

I feel lost. I feel as though I have a life with him but he no longer has one with me. He doesn't seem interested in me. He no longer texts me or really communicates with me, it's as though he no longer wants to share himself with me anymore. I feel inadequate, almost worthless. It's like I'm not worthy or he's not interested in me anymore. He doesn't feel the need to share anything with me because he doesn't want validation from me. I'm at a loose end.

[ammi00]

Can you be a bit more specific about what happened in that trip? How did you end up going in a trip with people that you didn't get along with?
Another thing I'm curious about - when you first shared him your problems, how did he react - did he try to comfort you? And then you continued going on and on and on? Personally, when I used to tell my problems to my ex, it was very nice to see him concerned and trying to make me feel better (which always made my worries be gone) - I think that's a normal first reaction, unless you keep insisting on your problems.
Probably he got scared, and now he's not showing any interest in you because he has moved on (or thinks that'd be better) or maybe, knowing you, he doesn't want to fuel your insecurities by sending you mixed signals.

[londonlad1]

I went on holiday with friends I knew from university. I didn't know them particularly well. They shattered my self confidence and drastically lowered my self esteem. It appeared as though it didn't matter I was there. No doubt this was as a result of my own behaviour. I tend to be very needy or controlling around people.

It's got to the point with the boyfriend where I'm reluctant to make communication with him because I know he's probably not interested (which is reinforced by his lack of or cold communication when he does contact me). I feel completely lost, a life we once shared has now dissolved and he's moved on just fine. It's as if he doesn't care he won't be able to share the things with me that he previously once enjoyed.

Why is it when you lose respect for someone you're no longer interested in them as an individual, even if they are really alike to you?

[girl68]

You still failing to tell what *really* happened. Seriously a trip can't break you like you're claiming. Soo again, whats the real deal there is a lot more to they shattered your self esteem. Perhaps you tried controlling them and they told you to f**k off? Did they tell you to walk around the corner and die becasue you were annoying? What?

Either way- you didn't have any confidence to begin with if you were destroyed by people you didn't really know that well in the first place.I suspect you have a long list of issues that you buried and are just NOW creeping to the surface...

[londonlad1]

Very true. I think the happiness I felt before the holiday was a veneer. On holiday I was belittled, no one was concerned with what I wanted to do. I was essentially a third wheel. No one had respect for me. I think it's because I act in a way that gives other people power over me. The holiday opened up a can of worms and I was faced with the reality I actually felt quite lonely. It was after that I started to off load onto my boyfriend. At the time he was caring towards me, but the bombardment and constant questioning of his love for me soon pushed him away.

He's now at a point where he's not talking to me at all. He's posting things on other peoples Facebook walls that would be of interest to me. Again, why is it when you lack respect for someone you're no longer interested in them as an individual, even if they are really alike to you?

I know i shouldn't phone him because it's unlikely to mean anything to him. It seems as though when he's at breaking point he gets upset at the thought of losing the relationship, but when he starts living his life I take a complete and utter back burner.

I think I lack a lot of emotional intelligence at at the moment I'm unsure as to what to do. I have lost respect for myself when talking to him and have been completely unfair and irrational for the most part. I feel as though if I lose im I'll be lost. I haven't met anyone I've related to so well and without him I feel as though I'll be desperately alone.

[girl68]

Well your first mistake is trying to fix the relationship when it's clearly broken and it's broken because you have these self esteem issues- and don't blame your friends on a holiday they have little to do with how destroyed you are right now. What you should be focusing on is WHY you're so down right now, again- your friends have nothing to do with it, neither does your bf.

These issues have been there long before you friends and long before your bf, you choose to ignore them. Well ignore them no more they will not go away until dealt with and the road to recovery will probably be long and hard. I suggest you speak to someone real wise (like a therapist or counsellor) and dig deep as to why you feel so loney. The usual suspects are childhood and family life and that sort. Do you feel like you've accomplished anything? Do you feel like your parents love and support you? Do you feel like you have ANY friends who really love and support you? Why do you think you're wanting to validate yourself only through this vacation with friends and through your relationship? You were you before your bf, so why are you no longer you?

First things first... stay away from your bf... tell him you're just going to (cheesy line beware) "work on yourself" and mean it. He will probably be happy you're doing so but he probably won't stick around for that either and that's ok, once you really work through these issues letting him go will get easier and easier.

Lastly- if you do nothing, nothing is going to change, you'll bury this again and inevitably it will rear its ugly head once more. I suggest you act NOW.