Racist, ignorant parents

[gatorjosh]

I could explain whats going on but it might be better to just read my exceprt from my blog... This is straight out of my blog by the way. Please read and give advice. Its a really unusual situation, especially at the end.

I am at a really weird emotional state right now. My girlfriend Jessie and I have been dating for 9 months and our relationship has had minor issues like any normal relationship, but it has always been a great relationship. I have no regrets about anything. I really do love her and want her to be happy.

Throughout our relationship, I have always been the steriotypical nice boyfriend. I have always treated Jessie with respect, never raised my voice or tried to influence her to do anything she never wanted to do. I have always told Jessie that it is important in life to make important decisions for yourself and not for your family, friends, and especially not your boyfriend. And the context I refer to is in good faith, like getting a job, getting some responcibility, managing finances, etc. She has told me many times that she couldn't ask for a kinder, more loving and responsible boyfriend. And then come her parents.

I have always known her parents (who live 3.5 hours away) don't approve of me... Even though they have never met me. Jessie told her Catholic parents that I was half iranian Jewish, and apparently all hell broke loose. The funny thing is, I don't know a damn thing about Iran or what it means to be iranian, or the language or anything of that sort. I'm not necessarily proud of being Iranian, either. All anyone knows about iran is the whole hostage embassy thing that happened years ago. So her parents made her break up with me (her parents actually came up with some really good excuses to give me to make it easy for Jessie), or so they thought. We hid our relationship from them for months, but after a while it became useless as her parents are not stupid, and they figured it out. Her parents began to wonder why Jessie, their wonderful little angel, was making this horrible decision to date a half iranian Jew.

"What is wrong with her? Have we failed as parents? Jessie, what would you say if your sister brought home a black guy? What would you say to that??? We are worried about your emotional state and the way you think. We think it would be best if you came home now so that we can try to brainwash you into dating your own kind. What you are doing, Jessie, is wrong."

This is the kind of garbage Jessie has been dealing with for a long time. Long enough for us both to speak to a councillor about dealing with her parents... For the last 6 months or so. Jessies dad is an asshole. He has called me racial slurs behind my back, including steriotyping me by referring to me as "habib" and "mop-head." I actually think it is kind of funny that he calls me "habib." It shows how ignorant he is.

Her parents had been threataning to transfer her to a closer school so that they could keep an eye on her for a while. You know, stay on top of her. Make sure she does her homework. Control her. Despite what Jessie said, I never believed they would.

I wonder if they realize that she is actually nearly 20 years old? Well Jessie did, and when Jessie threatened to leave her fancy paid-off condo and cut her self off from her parents so she could gain some control in her life, her parents said "we dont think so." They forced Jessie home, where she has been for the last 2 and a half weeks. She is in lock down. All access to the outside world has been stricken from her. No phone, no computer, no staying home alone (she goes to work with her mommy), she doesnt even sleep alone, as her mom sleeps in her bed. All in an attempt to keep contact away from me.

Does this seem wrong to anybody?

Saturday morning...

I had a pretty weird dream. In my dream last night, I had the power to focus my thoughts and move things and read/change peoples minds, sort of like some of the X-men, or Jedi from star wars. My friend Go Fujita made a guest appearance in the dream and told me to be careful because the more I use the power the more damage my brain would incur and my brain would eventually deteriorate.

I think my goal in the dream was to confront Jessie's parents and use this mind power thing to change their line of thought or something. Unfortunately I don't really have a whole lot of control in some of my dreams. I ended up going on some weird adventure that involved a cruise ship that kept bumping into it's dock... I dont really remember it too vividly, and suffice to say I dont remember much more than that. There were definately people who wanted to kill me though, because I had to use my mind powers to deflect the massive amounts of food salad being tossed at me in hatred.

Anyway, I just heard from a friend that Jessie is back in town. Or was, at least. She is probably staying with her aunt in Tampa every day except the days she goes to school. Or maybe it's just for this week. Apparently her parents are driving Jessie from either port saint lucie or tampa to gainesville to attend her 1 hours class every tuesday and thursday? What the **** is wrong with her parents??? My goodness, if I was Jessie I would go insane. Or whatever the next level of insane is. And of course if Jessie does something like run away or disassociate herself from her family, I am probably going to get blamed! What they are doing is CRAZY.

She isn't allowed to make phone calls, not even to talk to her best friends. How the **** can you tell an adult that they are not allowed to make phone calls? I dont know. Sounds like some sort of constitutional right is being taken away to me.

It's funny, I thought I had it bad. I would never want to be where Jessie is, though.


Please give me some advice, anything. I am so confused on why her parents are so controlling and ignorant.

[Ellynn]

Wow, that really sucks.

Honestly though, they seem pretty stubborn. No matter what you tell them, I don't think it will change how they feel. Its sad though. I feel bad for that girl as well. Her parents need to cut the damn umbilical cord!


I think I would have gone nuts if my parents were that controlling over me at 20 yrs old. I mean, when I was 21 I dated a jewish guy whos father was from Iran (and I'm christian). My parents were both very supportive of the idea and thought that as long as I was happy thats all that matters. I understand how important religon is and I thought it was awesome I could participate in passover with him and his parents. (His dad was a rabbi.) We broke up for other reasons awhile later, but I thought it was awesome that my parents let me decide who I wanted to date. I really didn't realize all that until now.

[gatorjosh]

I mean, I really wonder if what they are doing is even legal? In all seriousness I dont think she would ever press charges or anything, but it just isn't right?!

[Ellynn]

I agree it isn't right, but as long as she is under their roof or they are paying for stuff, I suppose they feel they have a say. She probably is afraid to stand up to them, because afterall they are her parents. Without them, where would she be? Etc. But, I have to agree with you how wrong they are. She is an adult! She should be able to date whomever she wants to!

I know when I have kids, Im not gonna suffocate them Especially once they are over 18. I think thats the easiest way to drive them away and get them to resent you. My parents weren't that strict. They pretty much always let me make my own decisions as long as they weren't harmful.

[Tiay]

oh this is sad. You sound like a really nice, balanced, intelligent person.
Grrr.. racists make me so mad. With parents like that i'm surprised she has (I assume) turned out to be a nice person at all.
I suppose usually situations like yours don't arise because the racist parents make their daughters racist and then she'd have had a "good" white christian boyfriend instead of you.
Personally, I think she needs to get away from them, even run away if necessary, because from your description at least they sound beyond all hope.

[Junket]

Sorry dude, that sucks.

Not much in terms of advice I can offer though...

[blacksun]

Wow, that just sux. I feel really sorry for both of you but i think its pretty much out of your control you got to let her decide what she wants to do with her life. Shes got a tough choice to make and I dont think you can fault her either way. All you can do is reassure her that you love her but aside from that shes gotta make a choice.

[bluesummer]

Oh God, ignorant people like that really get on my nerves.

Honestly though......her mom sleeps with her? What the hell!! When I was 20, if my parents tried any of this shit I would've been out the door. They're not only being ignorant, they're treating their daughter like a 12 year old. How frustrating for both you AND her!

I don't know what to say in terms of a solution......but I really do think that your gf isn't trying hard enough to put her parents 'in line' in a way. She needs to make it clear that she's not a puppet that dances when they pull the strings. Maybe she's afraid of losing that financial 'security blanket' that her parents provide.....but as long as she makes it seem like she 'needs' them, the more they'll realize they have control over her life. She needs to let that go. Mind you, that's something she has to come to terms with on her own, you can't really do anything about it.

[gatorjosh]

The problem isnt the financial blanket her parents provide. She has a job waiting for her here if she needs it.

Its that her parents are guilting her by saying if you dont listen to us and you decide you want to make up your own mind then you will be DEAD to us, it will be like you have died. Your mother, brothers, sister, will never talk to you again. You will lose your family.

Yes, he literally said it will be like you have died to us.

What the hell is a 19 year old supposed to do to that? How can she think for herself when her parents are being so obviously and unnecessarily UNFAIR to her and her family?

[Junket]

Some parents try to push their kids out of the house.

Some parents try to lock them in.

What more can be said?

[gatorjosh]

In the meantime, her friends and I are getting hurt.

[bluesummer]

With family like that, I would say, "No, guess what? Until you all grow up you're dead to ME. Bye!"

[blacksun]

Right but not before taking all of dad's and mom's creditcards and maxing them out then taking the car as a final f-you. That should provide enough starting cash for her to live off till she gets out of college and can be out on her own.

[Tiay]

Right but not before taking all of dad's and mom's creditcards and maxing them out then taking the car as a final f-you. That should provide enough starting cash for her to live off till she gets out of college and can be out on her own.

oo, I hadn't thought of that! I like that. heh. but theyr'e her parents, she doesn't want to hurt them, that's understandable.

[Ellynn]

Yeah, its still a tough decision. I mean if I had been forced to choose between my parents and a guy, unfortunately I would probably pick my parents out of a sense of obligation. Especially at 19. I definately would not be happy about it though.

I mean her parents have been there since she was born etc and even though its pretty much sick what they are doing and still trying to run her life, they still are her family. Thats alot to give up for just one person. I realize they are the ones who set those rules, and I think they are unfair, but more then likely thats whats gonna happen. But its sad because her parents are isolating her from true happiness with a man and basically picking who she ends up with.

I feel for her. Shes gonna have it rough until they learn to let go and let her make her own decisions. I have heard of this happening, not necessarily with someone of a different race, but with parents who don't approve of the daughters bf for other reasons. Either the daughter rebels and ends up with the guy or she ends up being sheltered the rest of her life until one day she just snaps and cannot take it anymore and decides to finally live her own life.

I think the only way for things to change is for her to stand up to them and tell them that she is an adult and needs to make her own decisions and mistakes no matter what they might be.