deep sadness

[banser123]

I am totally devastated right now. I'm sick and can't even function. I am in love with a close friend. We dated briefly in the past. She actually asked me to date. She ended it then we got back and she ended it again. She's very emotional and unstable but we are such close friends and work together and I care for her so much. We are only friends now and she has been so good to me. But she says she wants to start dating and doesn't want me to be hurt if she goes out on a date. She knows I love her and I'm trying to be her friend but its not easy. Well the last few weeks have been great. She told me she is blessed to have me in her life and she will never forget how I was always there for her. We spend so much time together. She wants to take me out for my bday next week and take a mini road trip with me and her kids. But I am almost positive she went out with a guy tonite. I spoke to her around 10:30 tonite and she was home. But as I got home around midnite I noticed her car was not there. I have to pass her apartment to get to mine. She never goes out and she had a big fight with her friend so I know she wasn't going out with her. It has to be a guy. I am numb and sick. I wanna die right now. And technically she didn't do anything wrong. I don't know what to do. I'm really sick.

[poisonsierra]

we haVE same problem. i actually typed everything but he connection failed so i'll make it short his time. think of the reasons why you shoud not love her as a special one. think of all the pains and hurts she caused you. just be thankful that you still have her as your friend,. what more will you feel if you lost her as your friend. if you really love her, you should be happy for her. though it sounds crazy but it is true. i should know. i really should know. open your door to someone who wanted to love you. mingle with others, get along..it will soothe your sadness

[banser123]

it hurts to much. I do want the best for her but right now I cant stand the pain. I know she lies to me because she doesnt want to hurt me but I want to be able to trust her too. She is in a tough situation as well because she wants to date but she also cares about my feelings and doesnt want to see me hurt. I just dont know why she got so close with me and planned so many things for us to do if she is interested in smeone else. She even told me a few months ago that she wanted us to stop hanging out and spend less time in order for us to move on. then she calls me and we start hanging out everyday so i figured she wasnt about to date someone. Once again, this is hard for me because i know she cares about me but she has to move on. Im really sick right now. I want to cry but no tears will come out. I love her so much and was hoping that we would eventually get back. I got a vibe from her these last few weeks that I had a chance. I hope Im wrong about tonite but I dont know what else to think

[lotus petals]

dude she's not all that. it sounds like she has a personality disorder, one that lacks empathy. you don't jerk someone around emotionally like that unless you have the sensitivity of a rock. she may say she cares and ACTS like she is upset about hurting you.....she's acting.

when i split up with my last ltr, 4 years together he was having a real hard time with it. so i literally didn't date anyone new for 9 months. during this time we saw each other maybe once or twice a week and then he was quite ill so i helped care for him. i waited till he felt better and moved from the area to start dating other men. i know it sounds a little extreme but i think you get my point. i loved and cared for him even though it was no longer romantic....and i waited out of respect to his feelings to date other men. its not all about self-gratification. she's thinking of herself way too much. you dodged a bullet.

[banser123]

I understand what ur saying. But I honestly think she cares. I don't let her know how bad I feel. I tell her I'm hurt but not to a big extent. I also found out that she went out with a group. Not a date.
Today was my bday. She asked me to come by her apt after work. When I got there her and her kids suprised me with dinner and a cake. They sang for me too. She is a good friend. I'm just stuck bc I want more.
I hope for the best. What more can I do?

[lotus petals]

what more can you do? learn from the experience. first lesson is that you can't have emotionally intimate friendships with the opposite sex without someone falling in love. happens most every time.

feelings need to be mutual.....if she isn't feeling it then its not meant to be. face your pain and get on with you life. you have no other choice. and cut the friendship with her it will only torment you.

[xxazurexx]

You need to cut her out of your life and go 'cold turkey' and to be able to move on. You can't be friends with someone you are in love with and it sounds as though you are in love with her.

I've been in this situation and I know exactly how you will be feeling. I struggled and for a long time to end it, but eventually I did and it was the best thing I did.

She does not love you, in the way you want to be loved and your hanging around like a 'puppy dog' won't change her feelings.

[banser123]

It makes sense what you are saying. But the fact that she iniated us dating in the beginning and that she had strong feelings for me makes me feel like there is a chance, although by no means am I counting on it. Its one thing if she never liked me romantically but she did and I feel like the chances of her getting those feelings back are better than if she never had them at all.
I cant wait for her but I do hope that she comes around soon because I honestly feel like we could have something real good together.

[lotus petals]

ok banser then if that is the case you must act indifferent about her attitude, when you speak let her know how much fun you are having. life is great! call her less than she calls you. be busy with an interesting group, an art class or something fascinating. people want what they can't have. my only hesitation in this is do you really want her? she sounds fickle....that usually means they don't really want to give up their freedom. careful. it's no fun to be jerked around. also could mean she was interested and has lost interest due to something about your personality she doesn't like but hasn't told you. have you asked? don't judge it though, perhaps you are not a "bad boy" or whatever abuse she may find of interest. you never know.....what turns people on. so don't take it as if there were something wrong with you. i did once and years later found out the guy didn't feel like he could control me, as he had a proclivity to go after womens money. you never know.

[banser123]

thank you lotus petals. I like your advice and I will try, but is is so difficult.
I do want her because she has def changed, she is not depressed anymore and she is a happier person. We spent the whole day together yesterday with her kids on a road trip. we had nice conversation and we all had a blast.
I just dont get how she is bringing me so close in her life when she told me a few weeks ago that she would like to start dating (she is not a big dater at all). Maybe what she says and does are two different things, but I know that she is very happy and we are getting along great.
Next weekend she is taking me out for dinner and drinks for my birthday. should I make a move? I dont want to mess things up but i feel like thers not much to lose by doing so.