Haven't let go..

[1kforakiss]

About four months ago, my ex-boyfriend of six months broke up with me.

We met in high school, kept in touch online, and I had found out he lived in Arizona. I liked him, and thought he liked me, so after talking daily, we had decided to move in together as roommates.

The time this happened, I was in a six year relationship that I felt wasn't going anywhere. I broke up with him, packed my car full and drove to AZ.

We started out as friends, but soon things progressed. Ultimately, we had a good relationship, but we were heavy drinkers at the time and he didn't want that in his life. He eventually grew frustrated at me.

One drunken night after a fight in a black out, I contacted my ex-boyfriend online and told him that I loved him, missed him and that no relationship could ever be like ours.

My then boyfriend found me passed out at the keyboard, with this IM on the screen. When I woke up, he was already gone to work, so I called him and asked him if there wasn't anything he wanted to talk about? Thinking he had seen the worst, since the message was still on the screen when I got up and we didn't sleep in the same room for the first time since we got together. He asked me the same. I said no. He then started going off on me, that he knew about the IM, and that we were over. I immediately started bawling and didn't stop for hours after that conversation.

He said many things in the days after that, as to why he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, but I haven't been able to accept the fact. It's been almost the amount of time we were together and I still think of him every single day. I cannot stop thinking about him and if we will ever be together again.

Before I moved out, I asked him if we were going to be friends, and he told me yes. For about a week after I moved out, we kept in touch, but he ultimately acted like he didn't have time for me. Eventually when I got drunk I went off on him telling him he didn't want to be with me for superficial reasons, even though I have told him I don't really have feelings the way I portrayed myself to my ex online in the IM. He said he will never be able to get the IM out of his head, that he has forgiven me, but will never forget what I did.

After we broke up, we still remained civil to each other while I was living there, for a few nights we were even cuddling. This was before I moved said and some really mean things to him, since then he has refused to talk to me or text me back, and will only return an email if it is important, such as my name being on the apartment lease.

Please tell me what you think. How can I get over him? I have tried dating others, I just compare everything to him. I wish there was a way I could rewind time, because I would do things differently.

[Yggdrasil]

You have to stay single for a while first and deal with your feelings.

It will take time. There's no magical sollution to get over someone fast and easy.

It'll hurt. Cry, yell, scream, throw some pots and pans if you have to.

Keep yourself surrounded with supportive friends who help you through this crappy period, stay busy, work out, go run, be active and don't lock yourself up.

Don't persue another relation yet, you don't want a rebound.

Eventualy, in time, it'll get better.

Good luck.

[1kforakiss]

well I have been working on bettering my life. I stopped drinking.

Do you think there is any chance he will forgive me enough to be my friend again in the future?

[Lost.Perspectiv]

I hate to be the one to hit you with brutal honesty...but men in real life tend to sugar coat things when they speak to women.

This is the internet, though, so let me be brutally honest here. This might hurt, so prepare yourself.

---

You screwed up.

You blew it.

Your actions directly led to his diminished view of you and the relationship.

What you're dealing with now is a heavy internal sense of regret and shame...perhaps because he was "the one", or simply because you not only let HIM down, you let YOURSELF down.

---

We tend to think that our hurtful actions only harm the direct recipient. i.e. The boyfriend you cheated on, the parent you screamed at, the stranger you stole from.

Such isn't the case, though. Every time a person screws up, even greater harm is done to THAT person. Actions like this damage your self-worth, your integrity, and your sense of self. Eventually, when enough damage is done...these actions become easier. The recovery becomes quicker. The pain diminishes.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING.

When this happens, you're pretty much lost. You've accepted terrible actions and behavior as the norm, and your sense of morality and integrity are effectively flushed down the toilet. This is, in my mind, a condition worse than death.

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Having said all that, your question is NOT how can you get over him.

The question IS how can you get over yourself?

How can you reconcile, forgive, and learn from a bad action you performed in the past?

How can you move forward without that hollow, empty feeling of regret that burns a hole in your chest?

...

You have two options here:

1. Become detached from the action, make excuses, blame someone or something else, try to move on. This is easy and quick. It may even seem to work at some point. However, sometime in the future this WILL come back to bite you, and it may unfortunately happen while you're in the happiest, healthiest relationship of your life.

2. Face the fact that YOU screwed up. Figure out why you did what you did. Don't make excuses, don't shift the blame...understand FIRST that the fault lies completely with you.

Then figure out the underlying cause of this, and address it. Eat a piece of humble pie, acknowledge your faults, recognize why you did what you did, and resolve to never allow this situation to happen again. Apologize to your ex, even if he doesn't want to speak to you. Write a heartfelt letter/email/smoke-signal acknowledging how wrong your actions were, how sorry you are for hurting him, and how terrible your actions are making you feel even now.

DO NOT EXPECT forgiveness...you aren't doing this for his sake, but for yours.

You need to reconcile your actions within yourself, make amends, address the situation, and form a resolve to be a stronger person with integrity.

THAT is why you can't let go.

Redirect the lens away from him, and back towards yourself.

Trust me.

---

Good luck, and be strong. You will get through this.

[Yggdrasil]

well I have been working on bettering my life. I stopped drinking.

Do you think there is any chance he will forgive me enough to be my friend again in the future?

No. He will NEVER forgive you and he will NEVER return into your life.

Read what Lost.Perspectiv has to say. Same as what I say in more detail.

I can't give you sympathy, only a kick in the ass.

This is the time were you start growing up. It hurts, it's crappy, life suxx... it'll pass and you'll come out stronger.

Stop torturing yourself and work the issues.