Why Did He Just Disappear?

[Asia45]

Okay, so my friend signed up for this online dating site, and I decided to make a joke profile and see if I'd get any responses. And I surprisingly got a lot, but I never really intended on getting to know any of them, let alone meeting them. But one guy ended up being really amazing, although he lived an hour and a half away. But he was planning on moving to my city as soon as he found a job here. So, after many messages on the site, we started texting each other.

Eventually, he asked me out, which I at first turned him down, because I have major trust and abandonment issues, and I had never dated before. But he was very understanding and said that he would still like to give it a chance and see if he could change my mind, so I decided to give him a chance. And we went to an amusement park for our first date. And he was really sweet and fun and a gentleman, so I really started liking him.

And since then, we continued texting everyday as we had been (pretty much all day), as well as video chatted, for the next couple weeks, when we had plans to go to the zoo this Friday (today, technically). And he's a cheesy, hopeless romantic, so he constantly complimented me and said cheesy things and how much he was excited to see me again. And he continued to try and gain my trust and prove he was a good guy. We had also discussed becoming official on Friday, too, after seeing how the day went.

He said again on Tuesday that he was excited to see me, although he was too tired to video chat that night. And I was disappointed, but I accepted it. But by the next day, he barely texted me. I don't think he even would have, had I not texted him first. His texts were so brief and unemotional, which they had never been before. I asked if everything was okay between us, and if not, if he could call me later. He just said he'd try getting off work earlier. But he never called me. So, I tried calling him that night, but he sent me to voicemail, then texted that he was at his dad's. I asked if we were still on for Friday, but he never responded. And then on Thursday, I sent a text in the morning, but he just never responded to it either, so obviously, we really aren't going to the zoo on Friday.

And I just can't figure out what happened between us. I also texted that if I did something to upset him, I was truly sorry. But this was just a complete 180. He was so involved and interested, and told me so multiple times throughout the day, and would call me. And then out of the blue, he just stopped.

And it hurt more, because I was finally starting to trust him. He said his dad left his mom when he was 2, so he swore to never treat a girl like that, ever. And yet, he ended up abandoning me in a similar fashion, so it just really crushed me, and kind of makes me never want to trust anyone again now.

I know I've only known him a few weeks, and although we talked so much about so many things, it's still hard to truly get to know a person. But when I'd say that he seemed like an actually decent human being, he'd say he was different than other guys, and I had started to believe it. But now, it just seems like it turned out that he's just like everyone else.

And I just don't have any clue what happened. He really liked me, and I really liked him. He was all for making future dates, always saying things like, "Well, maybe for our 5th or 6th date..." and even invited me to his dad's wedding in July.

Some of my friends suggested it was the distance, but travel and money wasn't an issue, because he said he really didn't mind travelling, and he had money saved from his next paycheck, plus also selling some trading cards for money (which I had told him not to do because I would feel so guilty). As well as finding out his uncle would help him out if need be. And his friends and family all seemed pro-me, from what he described. So, all I could really think of was that I did something to really upset him, or that he just happened to meet another girl on Wednesday, and decided to completely write me off.

So, has anyone else had a similar experience? Or have any idea why he would stop talking to me? I honestly don't know if it's something I did, but I feel like he would have told me, since we've tried being open about everything. And it just kills me not having an answer, because I hate not knowing things in general. But I don't think he's ever going to respond.

[VincenzoG91]

Don't blame yourself. From what you described, you didn't do anything wrong.

Obviously there is something wrong with this guy, and he wasn't open with you about it. There are some really extreme possibilities, like maybe he is married or mentally ill. Or maybe he has a chronic health problem that took an abrupt turn for the worse. Or maybe he got arrested. Anyway, the important part is that he has at least one serious issue going on, and he thought that he could hide it from you and keep all his promises. He couldn't do it, and now the trust is gone.

This was a fluke. Most guys wouldn't have acted like that, and you shouldn't generalize from this one experience to an entire gender.

[michelle23]

OP hes probably married. Forget him. You had a lucky escape

Get some help for your trust and abandonment issues and in time you can meet a nice guy face-face. Stay away from online dating. If you already have trust issues, online dating will just make them 100 times worse

Best of luck

[VincenzoG91]

Nothing wrong with online dating as long as you a.) date locally and b.) meet as soon as possible. That way it's just a brief online introduction followed by normal dating. I don't consider dating locally to include somebody who lives 90 minutes away.

[michelle23]

Its easier though to suss out whether they are genuine or not and not feeding you a load of garbage if you talk face to face asap

[Wakeup]

He lived an hour and a half away from you which allowed you to let your guard down to him because he felt safe due to the distance andyou thought you'd never actually meet. A chat buddy ifyou will.

You likely thought because he was so far away, nothing would become of your little chats. Unfortunately, due to your interaction with him while feeling safe (because of the distance) you started to get false feelings for him when you didn't even know who he was, not really.

He had to sell baseball cards for money which tells me he doesn't have a job or, he does but has no money past his paycheck. Not the best catch in the world if you think about it. You'd be doing most of the spending if this relationship was to progress. Do you work? Do you have your own place?

Anyway, it was one date and realistically, that is how you MUST view it. Forget all the stuff that led up to that first date because it was all just based on words without actions to back them up. Words without back-up actions, are just words they could even be lies and you'd never know without knowing him and who he really is.

You'll get over this soon enough, you'll look back and realize you dodged a bullet. This guy would have used you while looking for a job in your city (if that's even the truth). You don't know anything about him in real life except that he's broke so take him down off the pedestal you've got him on because he's really not all that you think he is (due to words without action)

Feel better soon.

[Wakeup]

I'll add that you should work on getting past your abandonment issues and start by not considering that this guy 'abandoned' you. It was one meet and you placed far too much importance on the words that led up to that meet.

When you have no expectation or preconceived ideas about how a meet will go, then you'll not be disappointed if the meet doesn't pan out like it did behind the safety of your computer screen/phone.

Trust is earned and you didn't know one another enough to trust him to be who he portrayed himself to be.