Our 5 Year Anniversary - Is this a bad sign?

[AshlingStone]

My Fiance didn't get me anything, he didn't forget it was our anniversary though.

I just want to say first off that I am not a materialistic person. I don't need or want expensive things as an expression of someone's love for me. But for our 5 year anniversary, I would have liked a card or flowers, even a poem written on a post-it note (he is a songwriter as am I) would have been wonderful to get! Just a gesture of thought, something that shows he cares.

He rarely ever does things for me or gets me things 'just because'. That is why on this special occasion I was hoping for an exception. He is always on my mind and I am constantly coming across things I know he will like and if I can afford them, I get them for him. I like to see him happy. He always claims to be broke but I know how much he has in his bank account (he does not know that I know this). So I know for a fact that he could have at the very least gotten me a card for our anniversary.

On a side note, He spends over $200 a month on action figures and we are trying to save for our wedding next year. He has hasn't put a cent towards the wedding because he says he can't afford it after he pays his monthly bills. I know otherwise.

Anyway....

My anniversary gift to him was two tall glass display cases with lighting for his action figures because he doesn't have anywhere to put them. As much as it saddens me that he spends so much money on the action figures and that they are one of the reasons he doesn't put money towards the wedding, I know that he loves them and I knew this gift would make him happy.

He was ecstatic when he came home from work and saw them.
I waited, and waited, and waited some more for maybe a card or a rose but nothing.

What does this mean? I think I know the answer deep down but would really like to get other people's opinions on the matter.


I appreciate any input. Please be kind.

[HeartIsAching]

Um...

Five years, still a fiancee and not even a card? Yeah, that's a bad sign. He's gotten what he wants and thinks he needs to put out no further effort to maintain it.

You on the other hand need to communicate your needs clearly. Don't hint, we don't get that. Waiting and hoping won't get you what you want.

[basilandthyme]

I think I was forgetting our anniversary after three years in. Twenty something years later and I still forget.....and there's never been an anniversary gift or card. But we're as happy as pigs in mud, so I don't see it as an issue.

As far as saving for the wedding goes, it would seem that the two of you have different priorities. He sees his hobby as being more important than the type of wedding one needs to save for. You see a wedding as more important than his hobby. Actually, I'd hazard a guess that he only wants a very small wedding or registry office. It's time for discussion: What type of wedding do you want and what will it cost? What type of wedding does he want and what will it cost? Can you elope to Vegas and get married by Elvis?

[Agnus]

He is thrifty. You won't have to worry about his spending family budget on his lovers. Very good!

[AshlingStone]

I think I was forgetting our anniversary after three years in. Twenty something years later and I still forget.....and there's never been an anniversary gift or card. But we're as happy as pigs in mud, so I don't see it as an issue.

As far as saving for the wedding goes, it would seem that the two of you have different priorities. He sees his hobby as being more important than the type of wedding one needs to save for. You see a wedding as more important than his hobby. Actually, I'd hazard a guess that he only wants a very small wedding or registry office. It's time for discussion: What type of wedding do you want and what will it cost? What type of wedding does he want and what will it cost? Can you elope to Vegas and get married by Elvis?

That is what is so strange.....I asked him if we could just elope and go to Vegas but he said no, he wants a wedding with his family there. So I said ok well then we will need to save and plan but he never wants to talk about it or put money aside for it. I am just so confused. He makes me feel bad about money too.

For example we went to go see the Seahawk's football game with my cousin and her boyfriend in Seattle a few weeks ago. I rarely ask him to buy me anything but I really wanted a Seahawk's t-shirt and my cousin's boyfriend had bought her one so I thought it would be okay to ask him. He bought it for me but gave me the stink eye and was so upset with me that he pouted for the rest of the game and told me that because he bought me the t-shirt now he couldn’t afford to buy one for himself, which was a complete lie because the very next day he spent $80 on lunch at the Space Needle and another $60 + on tickets for a concert he decided to go to and $40 on two t-shirts.

So why would he go out of his way to make me feel so horrible for asking for a t-shirt when he really did have the money to get one for himself too but chose not to?

[Agnus]

He bought it for me but gave me the stink eye and was so upset with me

Yeah. It's waste. Why didn't you ask him to donate to food bank? So many people are starving in the world.

[lalalita]

Some men just aren't thoughtful like that. He's not going to change. If anything, it will get worse.

[Boisdevie]

Here's a story from me, an old fart of 49. I have messed up so many relationships because I was scared of dealing with stuff and so my communication skills were awful. Communication is the key. You need to let him know loud and clear that you're not happy with certain aspects of your relationship. Then he either does something to change things for the better or he doesn't. You need to decide whether you're prepared to leave him over these aspects and he needs to know you're serious and that it's not something that will go away.
On a personal note, anyone that spends 200 dollars on action figures needs their head looking at. And you were enabled him by buying him the cabinet.

[AshlingStone]

Here's a story from me, an old fart of 49. I have messed up so many relationships because I was scared of dealing with stuff and so my communication skills were awful. Communication is the key. You need to let him know loud and clear that you're not happy with certain aspects of your relationship. Then he either does something to change things for the better or he doesn't. You need to decide whether you're prepared to leave him over these aspects and he needs to know you're serious and that it's not something that will go away.
On a personal note, anyone that spends 200 dollars on action figures needs their head looking at. And you were enabled him by buying him the cabinet.

Well tonight very nicely I asked why he didn't think about getting me a card or a rose. He yelled at me said he was sick of me nitpicking. I said I am so sorry love I just wanted to let you know those small gestures on a special occasion make me feel special. He said again he is broke and couldn't afford it and didn't want to be around me now. Mind you this week he bought $80 in cds and dvds, I said a card or a rose is only $5 and I isn't about money, I would have taken a live poem (he is a songwriter) , he said "I told u happy anniversary and said I love you what more do you want from me?" I kept apologizing because we are at a concert and I want to have a good time. Well he told me to leave him alone. So I am wandering around sad here.....

[Boisdevie]

Yelling at someone is not a good way of resolving a dispute.
And he told you to leave him alone? Stop feeling sad and dump the chump. He's treating you like crap.

[basilandthyme]

OK, I'm seeing some incompatibilities which are both serious and unresolved. I'd ditch the wedding plans until the two of you can agree about money and gift giving. If you get married and these issues are unsolved, I predict a total mess of a marriage.

Just as an aside....regarding the band tshirt, it's poor form to ask someone to buy you a gift. But it's OK to put a black X next to his name if he doesn't at least buy you birthday and Christmas gifts.

[bubble]

So you brought up an issue and he yelled at you and told you he can't be around you? It doesn't sound to me like he's treating you very nicely and it definitely seems like there are some bigger issues there than just forgetting an anniversary. If I had to judge him by your words alone I would say that he's selfish and self centered. Of course there are two sides to every story, but I definitely do think that you two should sit down and have a serious talk about what both of you expect of the relationship, the wedding and how to get there. He says he wants a certain type of a wedding, but he's not willing to plan for it or work on it. How does he intend to get there? Would you say he's even keen to get married? How old are you two?

[Agnus]

Well tonight very nicely I asked why he didn't think about getting me a card or a rose. He yelled at me said he was sick of me nitpicking. I said I am so sorry love I just wanted to let you know those small gestures on a special occasion make me feel special. He said again he is broke and couldn't afford it and didn't want to be around me now. Mind you this week he bought $80 in cds and dvds, I said a card or a rose is only $5 and I isn't about money, I would have taken a live poem (he is a songwriter) , he said "I told u happy anniversary and said I love you what more do you want from me?" I kept apologizing because we are at a concert and I want to have a good time. Well he told me to leave him alone. So I am wandering around sad here.....

Relax. The guy is just using you out of convenience. He has never actually been into you.

[dem862]

He doesn't really want to marry you. He found the perfect way to put you off by saying he can't afford it right now, and he isn't saving for it either. He is emotionally immature. No adult man blows his money like that. You should just cut off the sex and see if he starts coming to his senses.

[IndiReloaded]

Relax. The guy is just using you out of convenience. He has never actually been into you.

haha, our new troll bot nailed this one. Time to depart, your BF sucks and doesn't care about you.

But you already knew this, didn't you? Sorry, but you need to face what is, not what you'd like it to be.