Long Distance Love Help

[TheOneAndOnlyX]

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[Debunkt]

Well that's a weird ass beginning to a relationship. (btw, you don't have to be christian to be a good person, just so you know). Anywho, as the only person on this forum in a long distance relationship, I have to say some shit.

Firstly, you're young. You're REAL young. You are dealing with the fact that ya'll are both young, your relationship is young, and ya'll are far apart. That's 3x the naiveness and problems you're going to have to deal with. I don't think your immature, particulary for your age, but you have to understand that there's lots to go through before you get the chance to fulfill some of these things you want. Still being in highschool, you don't have a lot of freedom, and you certainly have family and school obligations that will become very important as you reach the end of highschool. It only takes months for reality to smack you in the face with how truly difficult things will be.

I'm not sure you should have said you loved her after ONE phone conversation. You better know a lot more about a person than some aim chats and a phone call can tell you in order to know if you love. The most important part of which you don't know, is what it means to be around that person. You need to see her, because you don't want to be talking for 2 more years, and then meet her and find out its not what you expected. You need to try to meet her soon, though. But since you're only 16, that could be hard.

Now, as far as having to deal with emotions, it can be damn hard when you're not around each other to help each other out. So it takes particularly strong self-constitution to do this type of thing. But you have to say the things that matter, always be honest, brutally honest, and never say what you don't mean. This type of thing will fester in a LDR. Otherwise, you just have to do what you want. There's no guidelines for LDRs or any relatinship. Just make sure you're both happy. Otherwise, it's not worth it just to pursue what you think will be a good marriage.

[TheOneAndOnlyX]

Thank you for your input. First, I know not only christians are good people. Second, I know what I want...and what I'm willing to fight hard to get. I was thinking about it this morning and said to myself "Why don't I have more...". That was my answer...I need faith to help me in this one. Thanks again. It's nice to know people exist and have heart enough to respond.

[Fluffy]

being in a long distance relationship it's very difficult. it's very very difficult.
you are only 16 years, you are young. moreover, you have never seen her. you say you are in love with this girl. are you sure? i mean, could you say this words "I love you", looking in her eyes?
yes, love is an emotion we can't sometimes control.
she swore to you. but one day she will say :"i can't wait anymore" or smth like this. maybe it sounds a little cruel, but it will happen.
both you are young, you need to be free, you need to find out the values you have in life.
i've had a long distance relationship. my advice: try to find a girl that will be close to you. it will be better, believe me.

[TheOneAndOnlyX]

Thank you. I know how everyone looks at this. I'm young, naive, I have no understanding of what I want. I know the day...may come...that she says that. I will wait however anyways. I have seen her...just not in person. I have seen her on webcam. Not much I know...but it was enjoyable. As for looking in her eye and saying it. I could say it no problem. I know in my heart I could. I've quit using my brain in this relationship. Spontaneous everything = more fun =happy. Thanks again fluffy.

[Fluffy]

hey, i don't think you are naive, because you are young.
ok, it's better if you saw her on webcam
even if it was difficult for me and my ex being far from each other, but we always kept in touch. i think it's the best way to mentain a long distance relationship: communication.
i wish you good luck!!
take care of yourself and your loved one!

[gHEXjt]

Sure I'm only 16 but...no one judge me because of my age. I know this is the girl I will marry.

HA! Ah, the innocence of youth. I remember a few yrs ago when I was in your shoes, except for the long distance thing, and how things do change.

Now first, you have never met this girl. I know you've seen her, you must be somewhat attracted to her physically...but its different seeing someone on a webcam as opposed to in person. People who "fall in love" over the internet/phone, sometimes meet that person and don't feel what they thought they would. You need to understand that you could meet, and you just won't have any physical chemistry. I'm not saying that will happen, but it could, and you should understand that saying you are going to marry someone that you've never met is somewhat absurd.

Now, onto the long distance thing. I was in a relationship for 4 yrs, the first 2 years were spent together in the same town, and then we went to college and tried to stay together. We did stay together long distance for 2 yrs, but it was very hard. Basically what happened, was I missed out on 2 yrs of college as a result. I spent all my time doing homework, so that at night, I'd be free to talk to her on the phone, and on weekends she would either come see me, or I'd drive to see her (we were about 3 1/2 hrs apart). The result of that was that I made ZERO friends at school, and was just pretty miserable in general except when I was with her. And she basically did the same thing as me, and didn't make any friends at school.

DO NOT go "hos before bros," or whatever you want to call it. That was a mistake I made and when the relationship ended, I really only had 2 friends left. So I've now spent the last 6 months making friends, which was surprisingly hard to do when you haven't done it at all since age 12 or so. But that was her main problem w/the relationship. She was all alone at school and she never went out or did anything. She missed having friends to hang out with, so last yr she went and made that happen. What I'm getting at w/this, is don't shelter her/let her shelter herself, by talking to you all the time, thus giving up her friends. Because yrs from now, she will blame you for that, even if it wasn't your fault, and will most likely leave you. Make sure you encourage her to go out and have a good time w/her friends, and you do the same. THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT.

The next topic I will go into is INSECURITY. This plays a role in most relationships, but seems especially prevalent in long distance relationships. If you are in love w/this girl, than you should trust her 100%, and you have to trust her 100%. You can't know what she is doing all the time because you aren't there w/her. So for the love of god, do not call her all the time and check up on her when she goes out w/her friends. If she meets another guy, so be it, then it's not meant to be, but you can't control her in an attempt to make that not happen. It will or won't happen on its own, and if you obsess over that, the relationship WILL NOT LAST. Jealousy is very tough to put up w/for a long time, and at one time or another, the relationship will end. So many young (immature) couples are so jealous all the time. It just sickens me, the shit I see a few of my friends go through. They go to the bar w/the guys the night they can't see the gf, and then are bitched at for going out and having fun, because other girls were at the bar.

I once listened to a conversation a friend who is in a long distance relationship was having w/his gf. They're at different schools in different time zones, and when our bars closed they were still open at her school. So we leave the bar and she calls him, and proceeds to ***** at him for an hour, about the fact that he went to the bar and had fun, basically. The whole night, he didn't hit on a single girl, did not talk to a single girl, but according to her, he had been. Funniest thing about that, was that while she was bitching him out, she was standing outside a bar at her school. Jealousy is hypocritical bullshit, and if you pull shit about "other guys" or "some guy," STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY. And if she pulls that kind of shit on you, you tell her its not going to fly, because if it continues, regardless of how you feel about her now, that shit will get old and you will ultimately dump her unless you're an idiot and want to be miserable your whole life (only saying you'd be an idiot if she's very jealous or gets very jealous and you were to still stick w/her forever, not trying to offend you).

Finally, you must understand that you are only 16. I felt how you felt when I was 16, but people change, and they grow apart. As hard as you'll wish that doesn't happen, you will change, and she will change, so if you want things to work out, make sure that you try to grow w/her. If she gets interested in something, even if you think its dumb, DO NOT SAY THAT. Encourage her to do things she wants to do, and maybe you could even take those hobbies up yourself. It just gives you both something new to enjoy, and even though you can't do it together because of the distance, you'll have something in common to discuss (share each other's interests--old and new).

Also, a word of advice on a lighter note...before you move to Iowa (I'm assuming you've never been there), you should definitely reconsider. Make her move to California instead. I'm a mid-westerner myself, and I can speak for most people when I say, IOWA SUCKS! Or at least in comparison to California it does, so if you think you two are going to move in together or live close, you've got a few yrs to sell her on California instead, and I suggest you try that. Good luck man.

[Pears]

HA! Ah, the innocence of youth. I remember a few yrs ago when I was in your shoes, except for the long distance thing, and how things do change.

gHEXjt, good post. It made me think of the mistakes I've made in the past.

When I was 18, I found someone who I thought I would marry and I was so intent on it that I did not consider other opportunities. I did not think of whether I was most compatible with that person or not. Over time, he and I realized that we weren't right for each other. We would fight all the time, but since I was so persistant on being with him forever, the relationship turned bad. When he finally ended the relationship, I realized that there is more to life than having one special person to marry.

Things could very likely change. TheOneAndOnlyX, you still have highschool and college before you are really able to do things on your own, such as build a house and get married. You and Alison may meet many new people. My advice is not to settle down so early. There are many people out there that you may not have seen. Also, like gHEXjt said, there are many great things in life, like meeting new people having fun in college. Don't sacrifice your opportunities.

[Prodigal]

gHEXjt has some great advice..

I suppose I'll add on to what he said. TheOneandOnly, I met a girl online a couple years ago, and the initial reaction was the same. Talked online the first night, she asked me for my number repeatedly, I gave it to her (may have been stupid but I did after pressure). Talked on the phone, was so nervous.. but we both felt great. We talked so many hours in those first six months. Sometimes she'd talk about getting married and stuff, and honestly I was kinda scared. We both wanted to say 'I love you' (we both mentioned that) but in that whole time we never actually did.

It went through its ups and downs. I even met her in person, and that was the BEST experience of my life. A month ago, she told me that she didn't want me to 'wait my life for her'. She said that 'love had to come from an open mind and an open heart'. I couldn't believe it at first, but then after not talking to her for a while (haven't talked to her since), I realized that I sorta was sheltering myself and not being open to other things and, well, other girls (something that gHEXjt has alluded to). I realized that she was right.

I'm ready to talk to her now. And again, like gHEXjt said, if we end up together, that'd be great. If she finds someone else, then that's how it is. Whatever gives her the most happiness will make me happy. If she did end up with someone else I think I may be sad, but deep down I would be happy. In some senses her happiness is a part of my happiness (I can't state perse that her's is more important than mine because I think her's is a part of my own).

I'm not quite sure why I said all of that.. maybe it's to show that I have been in a situation like that (although I'm much further in the game). It's easy to have those sorts of feelings after even a few days of talking. But more talking and time will give you a better sense of how you really feel. Also.. please try to remain as open as you can. It seems so easy (I thought I was open myself) but it's really so hard to do especially when you have such strong feelings for someone. But you know, when she told me that I think she was telling me to be happy. If I find something that makes me happy, then go for it... to not skip on it because I'm waiting for her. I'd advise the same.. good luck to you.

[TheOneAndOnlyX]

HA! Ah, the innocence of youth. I remember a few yrs ago when I was in your shoes, except for the long distance thing, and how things do change.

Now first, you have never met this girl. I know you've seen her, you must be somewhat attracted to her physically...but its different seeing someone on a webcam as opposed to in person. People who "fall in love" over the internet/phone, sometimes meet that person and don't feel what they thought they would. You need to understand that you could meet, and you just won't have any physical chemistry. I'm not saying that will happen, but it could, and you should understand that saying you are going to marry someone that you've never met is somewhat absurd.

Now, onto the long distance thing. I was in a relationship for 4 yrs, the first 2 years were spent together in the same town, and then we went to college and tried to stay together. We did stay together long distance for 2 yrs, but it was very hard. Basically what happened, was I missed out on 2 yrs of college as a result. I spent all my time doing homework, so that at night, I'd be free to talk to her on the phone, and on weekends she would either come see me, or I'd drive to see her (we were about 3 1/2 hrs apart). The result of that was that I made ZERO friends at school, and was just pretty miserable in general except when I was with her. And she basically did the same thing as me, and didn't make any friends at school.

DO NOT go "hos before bros," or whatever you want to call it. That was a mistake I made and when the relationship ended, I really only had 2 friends left. So I've now spent the last 6 months making friends, which was surprisingly hard to do when you haven't done it at all since age 12 or so. But that was her main problem w/the relationship. She was all alone at school and she never went out or did anything. She missed having friends to hang out with, so last yr she went and made that happen. What I'm getting at w/this, is don't shelter her/let her shelter herself, by talking to you all the time, thus giving up her friends. Because yrs from now, she will blame you for that, even if it wasn't your fault, and will most likely leave you. Make sure you encourage her to go out and have a good time w/her friends, and you do the same. THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT.

The next topic I will go into is INSECURITY. This plays a role in most relationships, but seems especially prevalent in long distance relationships. If you are in love w/this girl, than you should trust her 100%, and you have to trust her 100%. You can't know what she is doing all the time because you aren't there w/her. So for the love of god, do not call her all the time and check up on her when she goes out w/her friends. If she meets another guy, so be it, then it's not meant to be, but you can't control her in an attempt to make that not happen. It will or won't happen on its own, and if you obsess over that, the relationship WILL NOT LAST. Jealousy is very tough to put up w/for a long time, and at one time or another, the relationship will end. So many young (immature) couples are so jealous all the time. It just sickens me, the shit I see a few of my friends go through. They go to the bar w/the guys the night they can't see the gf, and then are bitched at for going out and having fun, because other girls were at the bar.

I once listened to a conversation a friend who is in a long distance relationship was having w/his gf. They're at different schools in different time zones, and when our bars closed they were still open at her school. So we leave the bar and she calls him, and proceeds to ***** at him for an hour, about the fact that he went to the bar and had fun, basically. The whole night, he didn't hit on a single girl, did not talk to a single girl, but according to her, he had been. Funniest thing about that, was that while she was bitching him out, she was standing outside a bar at her school. Jealousy is hypocritical bullshit, and if you pull shit about "other guys" or "some guy," STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY. And if she pulls that kind of shit on you, you tell her its not going to fly, because if it continues, regardless of how you feel about her now, that shit will get old and you will ultimately dump her unless you're an idiot and want to be miserable your whole life (only saying you'd be an idiot if she's very jealous or gets very jealous and you were to still stick w/her forever, not trying to offend you).

Finally, you must understand that you are only 16. I felt how you felt when I was 16, but people change, and they grow apart. As hard as you'll wish that doesn't happen, you will change, and she will change, so if you want things to work out, make sure that you try to grow w/her. If she gets interested in something, even if you think its dumb, DO NOT SAY THAT. Encourage her to do things she wants to do, and maybe you could even take those hobbies up yourself. It just gives you both something new to enjoy, and even though you can't do it together because of the distance, you'll have something in common to discuss (share each other's interests--old and new).

Also, a word of advice on a lighter note...before you move to Iowa (I'm assuming you've never been there), you should definitely reconsider. Make her move to California instead. I'm a mid-westerner myself, and I can speak for most people when I say, IOWA SUCKS! Or at least in comparison to California it does, so if you think you two are going to move in together or live close, you've got a few yrs to sell her on California instead, and I suggest you try that. Good luck man.

The most pathetic thing of all, no you did good, is that I'm basically listening to everything you said. Except making her move here. It's hard for me to try and convice someone to move to a place I absolutely despise. I would move to Utah over California any day. It's that bad for me here. I think...you had me when you said if I love her and trust her it should be 100%. Thanks. I think you have resolved that for me. I know where you come from with people change and whatnot. Your right...they do. But...I am going with my mindset that through change...she and I can still love eachother as we do. Again. Thank you again bro...I'm assuming your a guy ok. My only part that I think I abide by that you said is this...I encourage her to go out and have fun. It's life you have to. Once more...this is what 12...thank you bro.

[TheOneAndOnlyX]

Wow I feel absolutely stunned that people who have no connection to me whatsoever would have the heart to give me advice. You people have no idea how this makes me feel. If I wasn't "macho" (yes, I know that is outdated as hell) as I am I'm sure I would cry. This is a conclusion I have come to. Between myself and Alison, the two of us should put our hearts into the hands of fate.

[Tone]

Very very nice post, gHEX. I can also relate, when I was 16 I thought I was very much in love and was sure I was with the one I was going to marry. So I know how you are feeling. But like gHEX said, people change. Just something you HAVE to accept.

Sounds like you have everything figured out, OneAndOnly, so there isn't much more I can add but a good luck and remember that whether or not it works out in the end - it is for a reason and there is MUCH to learn from the experience.

[indigosoul]

people change, and they grow apart. As hard as you'll wish that doesn't happen, you will change, and she will change, so if you want things to work out, make sure that you try to grow w/her. If she gets interested in something, even if you think its dumb, DO NOT SAY THAT. Encourage her to do things she wants to do, and maybe you could even take those hobbies up yourself. It just gives you both something new to enjoy, and even though you can't do it together because of the distance, you'll have something in common to discuss (share each other's interests--old and new).

This is an excellent post. Agreed. I just wanted to highlight a particular section again b/c its not something brought up too often, and I think its extremely important to remember but easy to forget in the daily drudge. Thanks gHEX.