The Problem: In Love With an Asexual Woman

[Shawnacy]

I've recently fallen in love with a 23 year old woman who I met through an internet dating site. We chatted for several months, met in August of this year, and have gotten along very well. The topic of sex had never been brought up during that time, and rarely hinted at. It wasn't until recently that she confessed that she considers herself Asexual
Meaning that she has never been sexually attracted to anyone regardless of sex or situation.
This has put me into a very difficult situation. I enjoy sex with my romantic partners. But I also don't see how anyone can possibly be more perfect than this girl as far as personality. She and I are amazing together in how we interact. I recently proclaimed my love for her though she has not yet been able to define her feelings for me as love (but has said that she most likely will given time). We hug, we kiss passionately, and give eachother massages. But no sexual activities.
We have had a few conversations on the topic of sex, but I have decided to limit it so not to pressure her. From those conversations I have obtained the following information.

*She is a virgin.
*She can not recollect any time she was sexually aroused.
*She experimented with a friend she was comfortable with once (sensual touching and caressing) but felt no different afterwards.
*She has a history of some emotional abuse and bits of physical abuse from her parents between when she was 9 and 13.
*She says she has not been sexually abused.
*She says she is "attracted" to men, just not sexually.

I have made the suggestion that perhaps that since she has never experienced sex, that she simply has dormant sexual urges (much like in the movie "The 40 Year old Virgin"). Given the right person (hopefully me), time, place, etc, she might see that sex can be quite enjoyable and will hopefully at least awaken her urges enough to compromise with mine.

But this means that I'm holding onto the hope that this is the case. Even if we do eventually experiment, she may still feel the same way and there we will be; two folks in love but divided by our sexual urges (my strong need for and her lack of). We could still have sex of course, but I will know that she is only doing it for my sake which defeats the entire purpose of "making love" in my opinion.

But if I break things off I am giving up a chance to be with who I can only describe as my "soul mate". I just don't know how I could live in a relationship where I have to contain my sexual desire for my partner.

We have decided to bring this topic up again with each other in one month's time. Until then we are going to continue as we have been.

Anyone have advice or similar stories for me?
Thank you.

[Junket]

What's with this asexual stuff?

We've been bombarded by threads on this topic a lot lately.

Is this some kind of new fad?

[starbuck]

Honestly, giving up sex for your partner is a HUGE sacrifice to make. It's fine if you want to take it slow with her, but she is laying it out there that it's not something she is interested in. Seems like a road with alot of hurdles ahead to me.

If she is truly your "soul mate" she would be as interested in sex as you are.

That being said, I don't know enough about asexuality and whether or not it is a temporary thing or lifelong.

[shh!]

Yeah, given her age and inexperience, I'm not sure this isn't a transitory stage. I wasn't especially interested in sex at that age either (but I loved the affection). If you are as young as she, time isn't a particularly relevant factor. You can afford to invest some time to see if she has a change of heart (if you want).

[Henry123]

What's with this asexual stuff?

Is this some kind of new fad?

Yeah thats what I'm thinking.

What the heck is with all this asexual stuff!?

[Gribble]

She's old enough that this shouldn't be a problem. If she isn't willing to work toward overcoming her fear of sex you should leave her.

[shh!]

This may be a spam post... There's a direct reference to another website.

[starbuck]

This may be a spam post... There's a direct reference to another website.

True, but if it's an advertisement for a dating site it's a pretty crappy one.

Lots of single women a click away, but none will have sex you!

[Shawnacy]

I removed the link to show that I'm only interested in advice pertaining to my question.

I would like to hope this is a phase or "fad". After doing research I have found one site in particular that functions as a forum for folks who consider themselves asexual as well as a place for friends and family to find more information. After purusing these forums for a while I noticed that most of it's members are between the ages of 18 and 25. Based on that information I'm wondering just how many of these individuals are actually asexual and simply not non-sexual at this point in their life. Then of course you get the ones who believe they are different, find sites like that, appreciate a community where they don't feel alone and out of place, and get the idea cemented even harder into their heads.
I feel about as inclined to announce this to them as I wish to inform the Emos of the world "You've grown up in a middle-class family and have very little if nothing at all to be sad and angry about. Now wipe off the makeup and get a job", but I will hold my tongue. I can understand and respect Asexual point of view just as easily as I can that of Homosexuals. I'm not asking them to change their lifestyle.
So the problem is trying to find out if my girlfriend is an Asexual, or if she is simply a "late bloomer". Odds are in my favor if she is. But if she is not, and we experiment, then the end result will likely be very awkward and hard to accept.
And if she is what does this do to our relationship? Staying friends more than likely. But moving on to someone else seems difficult for me and unfair to her. To tell someone "Sorry. I love you, but you won't sleep with me so I have to leave you" seems very harsh. Though I suppose the better way to word it would be "I love you, but my need for romantic sexual contact will hurt this relationship in the end".

[Junket]

I removed the link to show that I'm only interested in advice pertaining to my question.

I would like to hope this is a phase or "fad". After doing research I have found one site in particular that functions as a forum for folks who consider themselves asexual as well as a place for friends and family to find more information. After perusing these forums for a while I noticed that most of it's members are between the ages of 18 and 25. Based on that information I'm wondering just how many of these individuals are actually asexual and simply not non-sexual at this point in their life. Then of course you get the ones who believe they are different, find sites like that, appreciate a community where they don't feel alone and out of place, and get the idea cemented even harder into their heads.
I feel about as inclined to announce this to them as I wish to inform the Emos of the world "You've grown up in a middle-class family and have very little if nothing at all to be sad and angry about. Now wipe off the makeup and get a job", but I will hold my tongue. I can understand and respect Asexual point of view just as easily as I can that of Homosexuals. I'm not asking them to change their lifestyle.
So the problem is trying to find out if my girlfriend is an Asexual, or if she is simply a "late bloomer". Odds are in my favor if she is. But if she is not, and we experiment, then the end result will likely be very awkward and hard to accept.
And if she is what does this do to our relationship? Staying friends more than likely. But moving on to someone else seems difficult for me and unfair to her. To tell someone "Sorry. I love you, but you won't sleep with me so I have to leave you" seems very harsh. Though I suppose the better way to word it would be "I love you, but my need for romantic sexual contact will hurt this relationship in the end".

I think we'll see many behavioral phenomenons as a result of our privileged and relatively worry free lives. People are naturally meant to survive. But we don't even have to do that anymore. We just exist, then wonder why we even bother doing that.

The other thing is, to say it's not fair to her to break off a relationship just because you're not getting sex is silly.

How fair is it that she cannot, or will not provide for you, one of your needs?

If lack of intimacy is an issue for one of you, it's an issue for both of you.

You're not Jesus, so don't be a martyr.

You'll probably find a similar sentiment from other members of this forum.

If you don't, I'll swiftly denounce them.

[ecojeanne]

well i used to think i was asexual when i was younger. Does she masterbate or is it too personal to ask her at this stage?

i lost my virginity when i was 21, i had fun with the guy coz he was tiny, so i didn't really get scared and he was a virgin too.

in my 20's i had guys who wanted to date me but i didn't want the pressure of sex. Eventually i got the excuses down to a knack like i was too busy in my life to date etc etc. I had 2 bf's in my 20's that lasted a month-2 months and one (my most recent ex) in my 30's, i'm constantly horny now and when i look back i don't really understand nature. I never enjoyed sex until recently, now i want more. Its just the way nature works sometimes.

[Shawnacy]

well i used to think i was asexual when i was younger. Does she masterbate or is it too personal to ask her at this stage?

i lost my virginity when i was 21, i had fun with the guy coz he was tiny, so i didn't really get scared and he was a virgin too.

in my 20's i had guys who wanted to date me but i didn't want the pressure of sex. Eventually i got the excuses down to a knack like i was too busy in my life to date etc etc. I had 2 bf's in my 20's that lasted a month-2 months and one (my most recent ex) in my 30's, i'm constantly horny now and when i look back i don't really understand nature. I never enjoyed sex until recently, now i want more. Its just the way nature works sometimes.

I have asked and she does not masturbate. I asked if she experimented with masturbation and she said "yes", but I doubt she's tried it since whenever that was.
Your story is comforting, and I have the type of patience to be with this girl as long as it takes should sexual arousal occur at some other point in her life. But not knowing that this is a guarantee of any kind is what makes me concerned.

Also it was something that Frasbee said that reminds me of the film "Wall-E". Where our society had grown so accostumed to acting against nature that we would even begin to deny our own urges if they didn't come in the form of some sort of drink.

[Henry123]

... If she isn't willing to work toward overcoming her fear of sex you should leave her.

It may not be anything related to fear though.
Depression also has an effect on the desire for sex etc. Or some hormonal problems.