need advice, preferably from a single mom (age 26-39)

[domerdel]

I met a girl about 6 months ago, We didn't get serious until have way through. I not only felt like I found a girl to call my girlfriend, but a best friend who I could confide with. In the beginning, we took it slow

Step1: "i dont know what this is, but i dont want to be with any other girl" the response was reciprocated.
time went on
Step2: "i was hoping I could start introducing you as my girlfriend" and I got the look of love

Step3: I got the I love you, my heart is yours on Christmas Day... I felt ready to be vulnerable with her with my heart once I heard she gave me hers.

We flicked the relationship switch on about 3 months ago, but since then, there have been some things that have surfaced. She freaked out "holy shit.. i'm in a relationship, but parts of me feel i need to reconcile my past"

Factor 1: She had an abusive ex bf, i mean it was assault and battery on police record a year prior to her and I meeting. She thought she was over it, but then there was self blame, and a stain of anger, and she would at times emotionally shut down when he would try to get in her head (all thru txt msgs that she's shared with me).

Factor 2: I noticed a severe mood swings and she was constantly breaking me down anytime she could. As if she was setting traps, her hormones were all out of whack... i found out she was pregnant... we went the route of abortion after long serious talks... But since then, there has been a feeling of resent for me because of the situation, and she's openly communicated she doesn't want to feel that way.

Factor 3: She's a full-time single mom, works full-time, so schedule is now and issue. I can't make a 25 hr day exist, nor can I add in 8 days a week, but I had to convince her that if we progress, she would have to allow me to either help out to where her time becomes our time (I have no kids)...

With all factors combined, the time she was investing in me was moreso just calling to check in, but was emotionally distant. from time to time she would say "I love you and thank you for being there for me during hard times" ..But when something fun would come up such as an intown/out-town adventure, she was somehow leaving me out of the picture. I would bend over backwards (during Factor 2) to help her personal needs as a temporary supplement. It was a give all get nothing back. Definitely guilty of being selfless.

We finally came to a breaking point this week. We love each other to death, but I told her that I'm not a pet, not like an on-call boyfriend. She expressed the guard came back with Factor 1 elements surfacing... I asked "how can you give me your all with a guard on your heart?" She said "You're right, I cant, and i feel guilty for all you give and I am not able to give you...." She starts to feel pressure from me even when I'm not pressing... basically when she comes up for air, she doesn't want the guilt of feeling of not including me in her next outing or time spent.

Catch 22 is, when she says she now wants to take the relationship less serious, she has a fear of losing me. Not a fear of losing me as a resource or a void, but what we've established. So it's hard to figure out how we take two steps back while she focuses on her own time. I ask her "is this the time where you need or have an interest to see other people?" the answer I got was no, and it was a mutual feeling. She followed up by saying "I still care about u a lot and want to be with you; this is not me wanting to go play the field or go soak my wild oats"

I would get follow up txts that would say "thank you... things will work out I promise" then, "I love you.. I really do.. im just needing the time to be able to give you what you deserve"

I guess I'm just looking from a woman's perspective who have been in something similar, and what I should do with my time.

Here's my Hypothesis
- Make myself less available
- Don't answer every call
Basically don't make myself look like i'm on-call... it's so hard for me, I have italian bloodline, i'm built to be a provider and such an endless giver... The curse of being too nice.

[vashti]

It sounds like she is trying to take a step away from you. I think this is understandable, given the abortion situation. Women who have given birth before seem to attach deeper meaning to what abortion means (not all women, I'm sure), and that might help to explain the moodiness and emotional distancing. To be honest, I don't know that I could be with a man that encouraged an abortion.

[domerdel]

first off, thank you for replying to my post, I know it's super lengthy and for anyone to absorb 10% of that I give much gratitude you way.

As far as abortion, we are primarily pro-life. this wasn't a decision made overnight, it took many many discussions. I, for one, was favoring of keeping the child. But there were circumstantial factors: 1) Money - we are both strapped 2) Our relationship was still too new. What we can't avoid is the fact it was avoidable. I can sit here and make excuses all day long. As far as the actual abortion process goes, I cannot emphasize enough I will never know what that process is like, and resentment towards me was always on my radar...

So just to clear things up on that end, the decision was mutual and not one sided nor in my initial favor.