Moody Men. Are you one? & What do we do with you? :P

[a19drift]

My issue is that I have myself a moody man.

I'm as moody as it gets, I guess. I'm a woman after all. But, I do take great care in trying to not take my moods out on my boyfriend, because it's not always his fault, you know?

He's not very good at doing the same, and he'll admit that. When something bothers him he just kind of shuts down, and he treats me differently. Most of the time I know what's going on, I try to help, or leave the subject alone until he's ready to talk, if ever. That kind of thing.

My struggle stems from the fact that whether it's money trouble, stress over school and/or work, something to do with his kids, OR he's angry at me for something (it always takes him a few days to a week to finally tell me he's mad about something to do with me, it's irksome to say the least), he treats me differently and I CAN'T TELL if it's me he's mad at. It feels unfair, like I'm suffering here, but I don't even know if I did anything, or if he's just mad over something else in life.

Drives me crazy. I could bring it up to him, but if he's not angry with me over something, he will be after a bring it up. If I ask, then he gets frustrated with me because I'm "reading too much into things". So, to avoid doing that I come to ye viewers of the Love Forum, to figure out what I should do. Just act like nothing is wrong because he hasn't said something is wrong?

Men: If you're moody, or just in a poor mood over something, what do you want us women to do? Or say?
I know most guys like to be left alone, so I tend to stick with that. Good, bad?

Thanks in advance!

[maxmax]

Tell him to grow up.

Grown men don't get moody about their problems, they communicate.

And if he continues, kick him in the nuts.

[a19drift]

LOL. Oh, that would land me in hot water for sure.

He's not the most communicative person in the world, prefers to sulk and let no one in. I guess that's why I come up blank when it comes to his moods!

[vashti]

How old is he? ANd how old are you?

[mwahahaha]

Im a moody fcker, and when im in a mood , i like my mum to bring me tea and cake. solves any problems.
try it, chocolate cake remember, none of that sponge shite.

[Devilsbane]

First, I wouldn't call myself a moody man, lol. But of course it happens from time to time. I was with a girl once, and when I'd start to get worked up over something, she would calmly just say shhhh and perhaps grab onto my arm. I don't have a clue what it was, but I was instantly calmed. (No wonder I want her back, rigt)

So try that. When tempers are flaring, one person has to be the bigger person and try to calm the situatin. Yelling or being moody back gets nowhere. When he gets in those moods where you think something is wrong, just do something nice for him. Snuggle up, give him a kiss, and ask in a sweet voice (not anoid) what's wrong babe?

He might not respond, but it's worth a try. Maybe you can try setting up some time on a daily or weekly basis that is designed just for communication. I know guys aren't always fond of that, but for me a lot of times is that I don't like just bringing stuff up out of the blue. Sometimes I'm annoyed at something and I try to just move on and ignore it. By having that preset time, it is like having a free pass to get out anything that you need to without worrying about upsetting your partner or ruining a night. As long as you can keep the conversation respectful. Since he admits that he is moody, maybe he would be open to something like that.

[oldskool83]

have a real talk and tell him to stop taking his pissyness out on you. normaly thats what happens, the woman is the last thing on the problem list but if your happy and seem to care and hes upset it can just add to the fire. Id focus on setting some ground rules, if it was every now and then i'd say deal with it. it sounds like its all the time which should make you question if he really values you as a g/f or if theres a deeper issues of him just being a complete ass hoping to push you away in the comming months.

[a19drift]

Vashti - I am 23, he is 29.

mwahahaha - Hahaha, I might just try that.

Devilsbane - I'm literally busting my ass trying to make things better for him, lol. I do notice that since if he's within arms reach I'm usually touching him (I don't know what it is, I just gotta do it!) he calms down and relaxes a little more, but maintains that worried frown. I know when there's nothing I can do, I can't make money come out of thin air, I can't make his job suck less, that kind of thing, so I just try to stay out of the way, make sure that I don't add to the issue, and I guess I focus a lot on the little things in these instances. i.e., the laundry is always done, there's always his favorite go-to things in the fridge and cupboards, there's always cash on the counter so he doesn't have to fly through the ATM before work, the house is clean, etc. This stuff is simple for me, I don't mind doing it at all, and I do feel appreciated, don't get me wrong. Even the last few weeks when I've been (start shaking your heads now) doing/helping him do his homework. He always says thank you, tells me he appreciates it. I think at this phase in our relationship, we're at the peak of communication that is possible. I don't hold back, and he actually does listen. He won't tell me how he "feels", I think it's because he insists he doesn't feel, lol. But I feel pretty comfortable with how we communicate right now. I just basically wanted to know if there was anything ELSE I can do to help him out, I feel bad that I can't save the world.

PS! Dude..dude. I watched your video..and I cried. I'm pulling for you man, I hope you get her back!

oldskool83 - You present a valid point, and for that I thank you. I have worried in the past that he was trying to push me away. But if he wanted me gone, I would say I have given him ample ammunition to tell me to kick rocks. A couple months ago he had me packed and gone because I got a little to curious for my own good and invaded his privacy. After a couple days, he asked to talk, we talked, and now we're at a totally different place in our relationship. Sometimes, his moodiness is once in a while, and other times it's a lot of things stressing him out happening all at once so it seems like it's more often. I feel valued, just a bit helpless I guess.

[vashti]

My ex was moody and sulky when he was upset. I knew how to pull him out of it (it probably is different for every sulky man), but honestly, it was so much work and so tiresome, I eventually stopped doing it, and just learned to enjoy his brooding silence.

[Wakeup]

I come to ye viewers of the Love Forum, to figure out what I should do. Just act like nothing is wrong because he hasn't said something is wrong?

I'm sorry, but you've been ignoring that something is wrong with your "relationship" since the minute you have been with this man so why not just keep doing it? Just keep the status quo.

I think at this phase in our relationship, we're at the peak of communication that is possible.

How's that workin for ya so far?

[romantic_guy]

This is not "moody" behavior, it is passive-aggressive behavior. I know because I think I wrote the book on it!! It is not being "childish" or "needing to grow up." It is part learned behavior and part emotional wiring (nature and nurture). I don't want to discourage you, but it took me many years to change my behavior and I can still slip back into it. You know the whole "insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results" thing? I finally came to the point that I realized that it was not working. I think "busting you ass to make things better for him" is not helping. You are only encouraging the behavior.

Counseling helped me as well as reading many books dealing with relationships. You both need to learn good communication skills. I highly recommend the book "The Couple Checkup." It not only deals with this issue but many others that contribute to a successful relationship. You might need to lay it out for him telling him that he needs to communicate with you, not just give you the silent treatment or "punish" you by his actions. Unfortunately the bottom line is he is the only one who can deal with this. If he won't, you need to decide if you can live this way.

Most of the time my wife would leave me alone until I came around (and I always did...in time) or would tell me something like, "I know you are upset with me, but if you can't talk about it, don't punish ME!!" She is really good that way...she doesn't take my crap, she puts it back right where it belongs, as well she should.

[a19drift]

Wakeup, I feel like every single time I post something on here, you attack me. I'm sure that's not what you're setting out to do. The reason I posted this post isn't because I'm unhappy, this isn't a woe is me post, I don't expect him to CHANGE, I just wanted to know from another man's perspective if there's anything else I can do. I feel bad not knowing what to do for him, I feel bad that I can't just make any problem go away, and I feel guilty when I just ignore his bad mood until he comes around, but so far it's been the only real option for me: stay quiet and stay out of the way. My boyfriend is not the type to ask for help, he doesn't like to have discussions where you bare all, I'm okay with that, I honestly think it would be awkward for me if he suddenly decided he wanted to talk about his feelings. He shows them in different ways. As for our level of communication, it works just fine for me. As I said at this phase in our relationship -- I wouldn't expect more communication until we're more to one another, essentially. I'm happy with him, I believe he's happy with me, I just always believe one can do better.

romantic_guy - Maybe you're right and I shouldn't bend over backwards for the man, but I'm just that way. He has kids and other stuff in his life going on -- I have him, and school, and work, very few friends that are unmarried and without children left, lol. He gains a lot of my focus, what can I say? I do sometimes reach that little "breaking point" and tell him to straighten up because I'm not the bad guy. I take his crap only because I love him, I suppose that might be a little unhealthy and I am just encouraging him.

[Wakeup]

My apologies that you feel "attacked" as it's certainly not my intention. I'm only pointing out your own dissatisfaction. You post things about this man that you're not happy about quite often. This isn't the first time this man has shown you that he doesn't value you as much as you value him and how you concede to him and "his ways." Sorry!

[a19drift]

My apologies that you feel "attacked" as it's certainly not my intention. I'm only pointing out your own dissatisfaction. You post things about this man that you're not happy about quite often. This isn't the first time this man has shown you that he doesn't value you as much as you value him and how you concede to him and "his ways." Sorry!

Like I said, I don't think you are meaning to attack me or make me feel attacked, it's fine. & I do value your replies.
I'm just trying to be understanding. And, maybe I'm grasping, but I'm trying to figure out if I'm the only one on my side. I don't think he's a waste of my time, even though there are times I'm dissatisfied, I'm sure that me snooping, me being pretty needy sometimes, me being me has left him dissatisfied too. I concede because it's not going to kill me, it's not hard. It's not that I don't stand up for myself, but I do try to pick my battles.

[Wakeup]

*snipped* No point in flogging a dead horse.

Good luck, drift.