I want to make it work but...

[chris06900]

Hi. I am having some issues and don't really know how to handle them. The more I get into it, the more I realize that it's just simply not meant to be. Maybe some of you can offer some kind words and advice.

First I want to say that I have an extraordinary woman and she is very rare to find in this day and age with very high morals. But there are some things that I am dealing with that I'm not sure if I can handle. We've been together about three years and can't seem to iron these things out. We use to fight A LOT. We don't fight nearly as much anymore because I hold my tounge and tolerate much more than I feel is my fair share but I do it for peace. But it's starting to drive me crazy and effecting me emotionally and spiritually. I feel there is no compromise at all. It's her way, period. Even though she says she will compromise, if I give an inch, she takes a foot and she doesn't stop until she gets it all.

It comes down to standard of living and quality of life. She was raised very poor and her family is basically total slobs, junk collectors and just really dirty people. I was raised the same too. The difference though is I use my experience as an example of what I DONT want life to be while she feels comfortable living like that. So when I see the beginning of things going afoul that makes it THAT MUCH WORSE for me.

I'm not a neat freak by any means but there are some standards I simply have to keep. I am the type who enjoys throwing things away. It's liberating! My parents kept every single thing and it became such a mess that this pile of negative energy brought misery to the entire house. I've worked with her to get rid of a lot of the junk and old cloths but the house is starting to get bad. We agreed that one room would be hers for the junk but then it spread into other rooms, into the garage etc. etc. We moved to another house and I had half the house I was not wanting to bring (we were renting a house that went into foreclosure so we didn't have to clean or anything when we moved out). Behind my back her and my mother (who was helping us move) piled all of this stuff I specifically told them I didn't want to bring in the U-Haul only to haul all of this negative energy with us and sit in the garage for a year.

I run a carpet cleaning business from my home and also have a recording studio here too. The garage is supposed to be my work place so the pile of junk is really in the way and not just an eye sore and suffocating.

We have four dogs because she's a sucker for strays. I never liked big dogs but this guy is sweet and I wouldn't give him up for the world. But we agreed, we could keep the big dog but he couldn't come in the house. Every time I'd turn around he's in the house! We finally moved to our house in the country and the little dogs like to roll in cow, horse and donkey manure. Absolutely DISGUISING! But they are chihuaha/dachshunds and it's in their nature. OK. Straight to the crate you would imagine with a bath regularly. Nope. STRAIGHT TO OUR BED! There was a point that I was sleeping on the couch every night because the bed would REEK!

We bought brand new couches. They were $2000. We still owe $1,000 on them. She insisted on microfiber even though I know my dogs and I know leather is the only thing we can keep in the house. I compromised and we got the microfiber sofas and agreed the dogs couldn't get on the couch. A few days later I'd walk out and see her laid out with the dogs watching TV. I'd tell her we agreed they couldn't get on the couch but she'd say "they're not on the couch, they are on me". UGH!

We've cleaned the couches about 5 times in the past 2 months and the smell NEVER goes away. $2000 couches..RUINED! I spent a lot of time in my office writing music or working on my business so it's like I'm at work 8 hours a day. I don't supervise or feel I should have to supervise what goes on in the house. But every time I turn around she's demolishing SOMETHING!

She completely ruined a $25,000 truck. She'd leave it open and let the big dog sit in it while she was out gardening or whatever. She'd take all four to the store with her, etc. etc. (while they reeked of manure) and the smell wouldn't come out of there either. Finally I let the repo man come and take it because why was I going to pay $550/month for something I simply couldn't stand to be in? It's an embarrassment! I had to spray it down completely with odor blocker before letting someone get in it. And it only had 14,000 miles on it!!!!!!!!!

It's like looking after a three year old. I mean, NO SENSE WHAT SO EVER! We went out of town for a couple of days and left the big dog outside with plenty of water and food. As we're leaving I notice a big branch in the dogs water so I take it out. She starts yelling at me to leave it there in case bugs get trapped in there, they could get out! The dogs drinking water! Full of sticks and bark!!!!

She leaves the suitcase in the garage and the big dog starts using it as his bed. Ruined. Completely REEKS! Like I said we just went out of town. She did all of the packing. I get in our new truck (which is a $45,000 truck that the dogs are NOT allowed in without being bathed and put on top of blankets and the big dog has to ride in the bed, period end of story) and I smell this aweful odor. What the hell is that? I look back and it's the suit case, covered in dog hair... WITH OUR CLOTHS INSIDE OF IT!!

We get home from out of town and the little dogs were in the bathroom. They are fine, I leave them for a day or so regularly, no big deal, bathroom is tile, easy to clean up, throw their blankets in the wash, etc. etc. I let them out and what do I find? Our $250 blanket on the floor!!! She put our $250 blanket that goes on our bed on the bathroom floor! WHY WHY WHY???? They have their own blankets! This entire time I thought the blanket was put in the closet because it's summer time and it's really thick. NOPE! Apparently it's been in her bathroom closet since last February when the dog threw up on it and she never took it to the dry cleaners! Since last February!!!! Now she gives it to the dogs!

The entire house is destroyed. I'm living WAY below my standard of living. I'm living like I'm poor. My number one rule.... NO DOGS IN MY OFFICE. I have about $20,000 worth of recording equipment and instruments in here and the dog hair get all inside of everything! Every other minute she lets them in here!!! WHY? Can't I have ONE room for myself?

I've given up. The couches have been piled in the kitchen for about 2 months because I refuse to clean them. The carpets are disgusting and the entire house smells like urine and feces. Imagine! A carpet cleaning business OWNERS house smells like a kennel. She thinks it's OK for me to clean every once or twice a week with the machine. Which speaking of, she tried to clean the carpets a month ago and burnt up the machine causing about $500 worth of damage! And that's AFTER I repaired $500 worth of damage! It was overheating so it burned several pieces which I replaced but I was waiting on the jet which is a $2 piece. She runs the machine and burns all of the pieces I JUST replaced!! But that's another story.

And this is not to mention the food she leaves out! I mean COME ON NOW! WE have a mouse in the house now! She's a cute little thing, but she's a mouse none the less!

I don't know what to do. I can't live like this. But she has her good points. I've moved from being a self employed carpet cleaner running a $1000 machine to being a business owner with tens of thousands of dollars of machines and people working for me. Recently I cut another album and was locked in my studio for 20 hours a day while she handled the ENTIRE business, answering phones, doing payroll etc. etc. I mean she's a vital part of the team in this game of life and I owe a lot of what I have/ what I'm doing/ to her. But it's like monitoring a three year old sometimes!


Here is one for the record books. The truck mount carpet cleaning machine has to be kept warm in the winter or else it freezes. She was putting a candle on the dashboard. When I realized what she was doing I told her to stop and she said OK. Apparently she kept doing it because a few days later I wake up and the van and GARAGE are on FIRE! My work van... up in freaking smoke! I just thank God he blessed us with the money to fix the problem when it happened!


I feel like she doesn't respect me sometimes or she tells me things that I want to hear then does the opposite. Do you think it's a respect issue? I mean, she is very loving, devoted and definitely faithful and loyal. She's just a freaking IDIOT! (shit, did I say that aloud?) I mean she's just very absent minded.


How can I deal with this? It's tearing me up spiritually and I don't know how much longer I can continue to live in this mess and filth?

[IndiReloaded]

First, good job posting here to vent.

Second, look up any of the numerous articles on the web re: effective arguing. You will need some techniques to deal with this issue.

If I were you, I would insist on a space that is MINE. A place where you can go close the door and retain some sanity when the house looks like a bomb dropped. If she balks, tell her she is welcome to a space that is also solely HERS. Agree to this, for the sake of your sanity.

As for the slob factor, that's harder. Usually, its the woman who determines the level of cleanliness of a house. I'm not saying she is the default housekeeper, but usually it is the female who will set the standard, which may include marshalling her husband into certain cleaning tasks.

In our house, we use a whiteboard to keep track of daily and weekly tasks to do around the house. This might be too much organization for your wife, tho you could start generally, I guess.

Can you afford a weekly house cleaner? If not, can you arrange 1-2 hours on a weekend when you BOTH clean the house together? Divide the job by rooms (e.g. her: kitchen & vacuum, you bathroom and bedrooms). Or something like?

If you can't get that basic level of agreement from her, then I would suggest a counselling session to work on your communication.

Good luck.