Changing Plans?

[clynn]

My boyfriend is leaving town to go home to his parents for Christmas.
We made plans to get together Thursday night before he leaves on Friday.


My bf called me up just a little while ago to change plans to tonight instead of tomorrow.

My first reaction was to try to make it happen. To either:
a) be prepared to see him without a full gift in hand (tonight was my nigh tto sort this out - so I feel stressed to see him as I'm not prepared and embarrased to admit it); OR

b) rush around to make it work out (getting him something, quickly getting chores together, that sort of thing).

But while trying to decide what to do and to make it work out, I began to feel irritated that he would ask me to make this change when:

1. Last night we spoke about it and decided, and he let me know he still had things to do and wanted an extra night anyhow before he went away. (Course he had the afternoon off of work and now is able to make it work).

2. If he waits an extra day, we can sleep in together before he leaves and that will basically just make for a better night.

Typically I'm quite flexible and would be open to changing plans and also he typically wouldn't ask.

Comments, suggestions?

[Lloyd95]

I don't know where you are, but's it's 8 o'clock here; isn't it too late?

Otherwise, I'd go the flexible route, better all around.

[clynn]

He phoned me at work at 3:30 in the afternoon to suggest. I work until 6 pm anyhow.

The thing with being flexible is that I have to bend myself all out of shape to make it happen and stress about the bloody gift thing.

Actually, maybe not. I'll play dumb. If he gets me something - cool. I'll be dumb. Besides, he is the one that changed the plans.

[Mish]

You know, i find that last minute gifts are sometimes the best ones

[clynn]

Nope. I am just getting more and more pissed off now.

I'll forget the gift if I see him at all.

But now I'm too cranky to even have a decent visit. Crap. Even if he changed his mind I'd still be cranky.

I know that isn't all his fault. But right now I can't seem to break out of cranky mold.

[Lloyd95]

clynn, don't turn into the typical "moody chick", chin up, it's the holidays and this is the last you'll see your beau before he splits town.

[clynn]

Typical moody chick?

There's a reason we become moody.

[Lloyd95]

Yes but you bf changing plans isn't one of them; at least in my opinion.

[clynn]

No, not normally.

But today it pisses me off.

[Lloyd95]

Don't let it; I'm telling you, let this one go. Sh*t always gets stressed up like ten fold around the holidays. Enjoy this one with your guy.

you make waves here, you're gonna get burned (huh?)

[Mish]

Nope. I am just getting more and more pissed off now.

I'll forget the gift if I see him at all.

But now I'm too cranky to even have a decent visit. Crap. Even if he changed his mind I'd still be cranky.

I know that isn't all his fault. But right now I can't seem to break out of cranky mold.

Something that may help:

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Hope above helps

[vashti]

Too late now, but I agree with Lloyd. Holding on to irritation over this will not serve you well.

[clynn]

thanks.

We went out. Had a nice evening.

I have to agree with Mish here because it really doesn't do any good to not express my anger / disappointment or otherwise whether it is appropriate or not.

When you're feeling a certain way, it is difficult to change it (particularly in a short amount of time).

In this case, it was a short notice change of plans and I didn't have the time to calm down. Other than I spent as much time as possible getting home and getting ready, etc - to buy myself time to calm down and not be angry at him. Of course, though - he knew anyhow and instead was just kind of confused.

Anyhow, I could go into more detail. But there's really no sense in it. Done, done, done.

Well.......at least I hope so though I still feel a lingering sense of being pissed off.

[Rosebud]

Aww Clynn, I know how it can be when you have things figured out when your really busy and then all of a sudden plans change at the last minute. I can see why he was confused, he just probably took it wrong. But your not really pissed at him you were pissed at the situation right?

[clynn]

Well, I don't know really. Sure, I can say I was pissed at the situation - but since he was the cause of the situation (he had a choice) - then I am pissed at him too, right?