ex's

[paracelsus82]

My boyfriend still talks to his ex almost daily, he calls her and texts her, and still has her calling him "POPS" and I just found out that he is planning on taking her to lunch sometime soon. Although we have talked about her, and I am willing to be cool about the sisuation, because he says she has been his best friend for years, so I dont want to be this one who says "me or her" but if I am willing to be open about everything, why does he hid it all from me?? (BTW, I go through his phone and texts, thats how I know what is goin on, not that he has told me about any of this) So is he hidding it because there is more to their "friendship" than he wants me to know about? He tells me I am his fave and we are even looking into buying a place together (we are renting right now) I am confused weather I should be worried, cause his words tell me one thing, but his actions tell me another. And if I am to confront him, should I tell him I have been goin through his phone? and if I do that, then he will start erasing everything, leaving me completely clueless.

[CocoChanel]

How does he know that you are open-minded about him communicating with his ex girlfriend if he is hiding it from you and you aren't supposed to know?

I would ask him about her... giving him a chance to be honest with you. If he's smart enough he'll take the opportunity and tell the truth... if he's dumb... he'll lie.

[Lava_twilight]

I agree with CC....if it wasn't a problem then he would be open about it & not have to hide it from you. And don't feel bad about snooping, I found out my ex-husband was having an affair this way (and all the while he wanted us to try for a baby). I found out just in time, and would have been none the wiser if I hadn't....

Sometimes, just trust your instinct. I've learnt that - and 9 times out of 10 I'm right...!!! :-s

I hope you work this out xxx

[relationship]

This is a tough situation to be in. Take it from me, you should feel threatened. Men having men friends and going out with them to the game or the bar is a lot different than men having women friends. I would try to find out what she brings to that game that he feels you don't. I know that sounds harsh, but that is the only reason he is seeing her. She makes him feel something that you don't. Talk to him. Ask him if he feels like there is anything missing in your relationship...

P.S. I wouldn't let him know that you snoop his cell phone!!!

[CocoChanel]

I agree. That's why I say find a way to ask him so it gives him an opportunity to be honest and you won't be exposed for snooping. Keep in mind he obviously doesn't know the meaning of friendship. You don't sleep with people you are best-friends with. He broke that bond once... he'll do it again.

[lastwish]

If there is nothing going on, he will be upfront about it. Ask him about it. If he hides it from you, then give him a taste of his own medicine. Start hanging out more with your guyfriends or make some if you don't have many.

[seganomics]

can i ask why you go thru his phone?

and like everyone has said here it's best to be honest and open and ask him. and i think i would stop going thru his phone. i just think if you really want to be open and cool with it then give him the benefit of the doubt.

and if you don't trust him otherwise... you probably shouldn't be with him.

[paracelsus82]

I go through his phone because I read their break up letter, and she is not goin anywhere..We have talked about her and agreed that we would all be friends, together, yet...I am never envolved in this trio

[seganomics]

i suppose i have the same question again... did he allow you to read the letter or did you read it unknowingly as well?

also how long had they been broken up before you and your boyfriend started dating?

i'd precede with this arrangement with caution and open communication with your boyfriend. because it sounds like there is some unresolved issues floating around.

[paracelsus82]

I read it unknowingly..I wasnt looking for it, I just stumbled accross it, and my curosity got the best of me...the had been broke up for about 3 or 4 months by the time we started dating...unresolved issues between him and her? see...he left for school one day, and came home to her havin some other dude moved in..just like that....broke his heart, his letter to her broke my heart...I prob should have never read it, then i wouldnt feel as i do now...but, now I fear that I am just a fill in till she deciedes she doesnt want to be with the other dude....although, now its been like 6 or 7 months...but I would guess this would be about the time she would be comin to grips with everything that happened so fast...should I tell him I read the letters and check his phone and am noided out about the whole thing??

[seganomics]

well think about what your reaction would be if the situtation was reversed. Maybe you'd want to know that he had seen and done these things. maybe you wouldn't.

it might be better to let him know not on the defense. for example for you asked him, he lied, and then you retort back "I know because I read..." the whole conversation is for naught and the trust between both of you is gone.

on the other hand if you approach it without a front and give him a chance explain his feelings and perceptions maybe things can be salvaged.

at any rate i would definitely tell him how your feeling and trust your gut on being honest about the letter and the texts...

[paracelsus82]

right...I have to get it off my chest or I will forever be checking his phone and wondering where he is when he doesnt answer my calls (as I have been doing) and I want to trust him...I just dont understand, if he didnt have anything to hide, he would invite her to lunch with "us" not just her...right? so yea, I def gotta talk to him...its killin me inside. How can I go about this relationship if I cant talk to him about things bothering me? Thank you so much for ur advice...

[seganomics]

I want to trust him...I just dont understand, if he didnt have anything to hide, he would invite her to lunch with "us" not just her...right?

While it's ok to want to hang out with both of them... also keep in mind that trust also invovles being ok if they hang out alone once in awhile.

You should definitely make your concerns heard, and find the reassurance that nothing is going on. But also be open to understand why he may spend time exclusively with her.

And when he does take advantage of the time apart. Go catch up with your friends, take up a hobby that you look forward to so you might even be excited when he makes plans.

I really hope everything gets settled for you, and that you can put your mind at ease... good luck

[davidtorres]

I never like dealing with something like this. I mean if its over then why do they need to talk everyday? At the end this will bug you. Imagine if you guys fight. He will tell his X then she will try to be there and you never know. Shit happens. Do you know what i mean? IMO I will let him choose to drop her and be with me or just keep talking to her. Seriously, if he is willing to talk to this girl it means shes using her or he has feelings for her. It means hes staying close coz he think something can still happen.