I verbally and mentally abused my partner and want to make him feel even.

[Badlover]

My boyfriend of one year and I have gone through a tumultuous relationship this past year. I started dating him out of desperation for a business partner without even realizing it. He fed into my delusion by being extremely interested in the business at the time. He told me everything I wanted to hear (without knowing I was mentally blowing it out of proportion without him knowing) and I created this fantasy that we were absolutely perfect and unstoppable. I fell in love with him and we had amazing times together, no one in the world is more fun, sweet, funny or pure than he and I love him. A few months later he realized involvement in my business was not what he wanted and I was insanely upset and afraid. I couldn't handle it and would react angrily toward him when the subject came up. I became verbally and emotionally abusive toward him without even realizing. He never told me how he felt due to fear of losing me. One minute I was fun loving and normal, the second something about business came up I would get very angry and tell him how angry I was in a really mean way (with the limits of no swearing, yelling, hitting or name calling). Deep down I really loved him, I was just very scared and angry and pretty confused on why. But I continued to nagg and provoke and argue with him, which I didn't even realize was deeply hurting and confusing him. This went on for a couple months until my anger got so hot I couldn't handle or make sense of it. It made no logical sense to me cause (although he accepted the blame) I knew he was innocent and didn't deserve it. I told him how I couldn't make sense of my anger and he really hadn't done anything (although he said he did) and wanted to figure it out. I asked him to take a week long break from eachother to gather our thoughts and see how we felt having no contact. During that week to myself I realized everything I had done to him. I told him I have realized what I was doing and am so ashamed I feel nauseous. I feel so sick inside like I don't want to eat, I have this constant stomach and head ache. I can't stop crying and saying I'm sorry and don't deserve his forgiveness. He forgives me and I feel soo unworthy, I lost 7 pounds in the past couple days and can't stop thinking about all the mean things I said. I can tell he is hurt after our realization and feel like giving him permission to do something to hurt me. I feel like such a disgusting horrible scum bag who deserves to be thrown down the stairs. I am so sorry and cry everytime I think of how kind and patient he's been and told him I wouldn't even have forgiven me. Even writing this hurts so bad it's hard to even stop crying long enough to type correctly. What can I do to make him feel better? Should I give him permission to cheat on me or do something hurtful so I can feel the way he did. I haven't seen him since we took the break, so it's been a little over a week. Although I miss him I'm scared to see him cause I cry simply thinking of him, I will be a blubbering fool in person. What can I do to get him even with me? He is the sweetest, most amazing guy in the world and I love him dearly. He would never hurt anyone and I hurt him soo much I hate myself.

[HeartIsAching]

Finding a way to let him hurt you back will NOT fix it. That doesn't do anything except create more hurt.

I suggest a four-part apology. Read about it [URL="http://www.iqln.com/family/QLN_Family_09.asp"]here[/URL].

[sweetkissesforu]

what do you want from this relationship if you truely love him tell him you fuked up sorry we all make mistakes and if you are both willing to work at it then this will be one of the hurdles in your relationship trust me no relationships are perfect and it might make you stronger make sure you learn from your mistakes

[Aniphilia]

First of all TRUST him. You have nothing to lose..except him. And you dont want that right now even if the Universe has other plans for you two, you still have a will. Exercise it.

I am in love with someone who hurt me so deeply in our first 1 1/2 years in a single night. I was aghast and I forgave him. I have been in your loved one's shoes and am speaking from his perspective. The man I love wouldnt forgive himself is what kept hurting us later on.

I hope this helps. I dont want to get to detailed.

[Badlover]

@aniphilia Thank you for that, I can sort of see how my remorse could hurt us more than anything. I scheduled a mental health evaluation for Tuesday and was thinking about maybe inviting him to a session once we figure out exactly the problem is. I feel a lot better after talking on the phone with the specialist, but do you think getting him involved would make him feel weird?