Why did she hurt me so bad?

[Katie97]

My best friend of 1 year and I moved away for college together.
We were both unhappy with our current lives, hardly any support from our families and she wanted to go away and start a new life with me. Her situation was tougher than mine so I offered to support her until she was stable. I gathered money from my old jobs and helped her with the flight ticket, our dorm,food,leisure etc. But when we arrived everything went down.We would fight as she was ungrateful and demanding, I had an alcohol addiction, and I was recovering from some childhood trauma. Sometimes she’d slap me or bite me really hard which drew flashbacks on me.

I overdosed on ecstasy and ended up in the hospital. She broke down and stayed there all night and saved me from the cops. After I got released, we started over and she took care of me. Anyway, we got into another fight which resulted in her telling me to go kill myself. I got drunk, and I grabbed her by the neck. We started hitting each other on the street. She began screaming for help. I ended up at the cops again. And the university began a disciplinary hearing against me. Then we decided that she’ll move out and go live with another friend.

For the next 2 months, it was a push and pull game. She would accuse me of telling everyone that I was still paying for her dorm and that I brought her dignity on the ground. We sat down to speak once after the police incident. She said "we tried and it won't work out. I don't want you. I feel nothing for you anymore." When I asked her what I've done to deserve this, she replied "I cared about you. And I was in love with you" after a pause she continued fast "as a friend."

She wiped my tears,hugged me and said what’s broken can’t be fixed and we had to forget each other as I wasn't the same person she knew. I felt guilty, and I wanted to get her back. One day I made her a surprise lunch with 2 of our friends (boys).They invited her over, and she made a scene. She sat down eventually, ate, and when it was time to talk, she said she’d never forgive me. She knew that the abuse I faced from my parents had made me ill. She would stare into space, I almost evoked some emotion out of her, and then suddenly shake her head and say no I don't care. Later that day I saw her sitting alone, crying in the corridor and I sat beside her. She didn’t say anything, just leaned her head on me. A few days later, she saw me sitting in the cafe talking quietly with this boy. He was comforting me and we were holding hands. When I decided to approach her, she bitched at me and i left in tears. The next day, she sits with me and has a casual friendly talk over coffee. She was telling me she was sick at the hospital and she wished it was me to be there beside her, rather than the guy who accompanied. Then at night, she runs into me in this guy's room and starts fighting, again accusing me of nonsense. We sat talking for a long time, she held my hand and said she loved me so much, that she picked me over her boyfriend twice, but now her heart feels nothing for me anymore.

The next day, she saw me in the elevator and pushed me in my chest and ran off.The following day, I had bought her a teddy to apologize with. I kissed her forehead and said I’ll never approach her again and I accept that we’re over. 2 hours later, she came into her room and found me there. I was going out with our mutual friend and she decided to come as well. At the cafe she was quiet. She got angry when she saw one of the waiters flirting with me and offering me free drinks and sarcastically called him "my boyfriend."

Before we were about to leave, she told me she felt sick and leaned on me for support. We got a cab, I took her and the other drunk friend to their room and told her I’d bring her some chocolate. I fed her and told her I’ll leave because I had to see my guy friends. She said she was not feeling well, and asked me if I want to stay with her. Then she wrapped her hand around my waist and cuddled me onto her bed and spoke to me about her problems until she slept.

In the morning we woke up together and left the room. Later she thanked me for taking care of her. The next day she insulted me and fought again to the point where she started breaking down and hitting herself. Then I got drunk and broke a bottle against the wall and was taken to the hospital. She knew I had my wrist stitched and didn’t bother to see me. Instead, she sent me some cruel texts saying she knew I spread rumors about her (which I didn’t and she knew that too). A few days later I found out some terrible things. She had told her long distance “boyfriend” about what was going on. She tried to extract information from the man (my ex best friend) who had sexually abused me (even though she hated him). She called me vulgar names and accused me of wanting it.

When we're alone she would say things that she's addicted to me and can't live without me or get over me. But infront of people she spreads my secrets and calling me manipulative, saying I was using my charm to get under their skin and get to her. Also adding rumors that I was a psychopath, obsessed, and gay. She claimed that when I was drunk, I tried to abuse her sexually. But what happened was, I was drunk, and I remember giving her neck a peck. She moaned and pulled me closer to her but then I got aggressive and pushed myself off her and yelled at her. Then she played the gay card: but here's the truth. But she had done some pretty questionable things.

Back home, she used to ask me to come over to her house when her parents slept and we'd smoke hookah and cuddle on her bed. We used to cuddle often either in bed or in the car. One day she acted weird and said she loved me then leaned in and kissed my nose. Then she asked where's my kiss? When we were apart, she used to call me every night when I finished work. We would day for hours everyday. And sometimes,she also used to send me revealing and seductive videos of herself .Then one day she had the nerve to tell me she had a dream where we made out after a fight and "maybe it would be a reality when we lived together."
After that neck kiss I gave her by accident, She had asked if I had feelings for her. I said no. And for me all of this was purely platonic.

I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to leave for the semester. The day I traveled, we met up coincidentally, and we spoke. She said I ruined everything between us and that we were over. I held her hand and hugged her for the last time and left. However, when I was at the airport, she kept calling me. She told me “I’m going back to my ex. Even though he cheated on me, at least he didn’t lay a hand on me. He gave me love and protection which you never did, you only gave me money, which I’ll give you back. You loved yourself more, and because of you I hate everyone.” Then she continued to call me at random times to insult and swear at me. The last conversation we had was her telling me we were toxic for each other. I haven’t heard from her for a while and I found out that she lied about her ex and they never got back together . I know I’m wrong as well and I have issues, and I’m already getting help for them. I want to move on and I'd like to get some clarity from her POV.
Was she using me? Was she afraid that I liked her romantically? Is she mentally ill? What could be the possible reason

[bunnyhabit]

physical abuse is usually the end in any kind of relationship. the fact she told you she was going back to her ex is a sure sign that she considered you as a boyfriend. she does not appear to have a mental illness. you on the other hand seem to suffer many mental issues based on alcohol and drug addictions as well as physical abuse of her.

you should stay away from her and go to a rehab to rid yourself of addictions before approaching a new relationship with someone else. you have no future with her.