Moving on

[Mia123]

Hi, newbie here seeking some advice to break a 20yr spell to hopefully find love again. The history is long, so forgive the length of this post.

Aged 20 I fell hook, line & sinker for a guy 11 yrs my senior. There was a chemistry between us so intense we knew when we were in the same room even if we had our backs to the door, others (this was at work) felt it too. Over a 12 month period we were on/off/on, with him pulling away only to come back again. Ok, I was a terrible flirt, always making sure I looked dynamite.. of course he'd come back! He gave me my first O, not through intercourse, just hand stimulation. After leading me on to believe we would sleep together after Xmas, he reneged.. at this point I pulled the pin but I never stopped wanting him. 3 months later he moved o'seas but he wrote. Now I didn't give him my address, he sent it to work. I didn't reply he wrote again.. so i replied to leave me alone.

Fast track 3yrs I resumed contact 3 months out from embarking on a 12 month holiday to Oz. We talked but didn't meet. At this point he was in Switzerland. We exchanged letters for 12 months then I married (big mistake cos I was marrying to try & forget him) and I stopped writing.

Fast track 4yrs, marriage is volatile (husband verbally & physically abusing me) I get back in touch via email. We arrange a rendezvous in Singapore. He pulls the pin 4wks out because work is busy. I stop emailing.

2months later he emails, I've met someone else so ignore email. Until 5yrs later when I visit friends in Switzerland & drop a xmas card at his house. That is all.

Fast track 1yr b/f & I are heading to Switzerland. I resume email contact. He tells me he tried to find me in the phone book the previous xmas (after getting the card). He tells me he is delighted to hear from me and carries my email around with him to re-read and that he too thinks of me often. We arrange 3 dates. 1 quick coffee on morning I arrive before he goes to work. Went well. 2nd date.. an entire day together in which he has to drive 3hrs each way gets canned when he is less than 1hr from me because of snow. Over the phone he screams shit, shit, shit. I cry. Next day he drives again, 2hrs & we spend a few hours together. Towards the end he pulls me to him and kisses me. Stirs the gold pot again. Within half hr as we say goodbyes I can tell he regrets the kiss, he is holding me but he has pulled away. 3rd date didn't happen because I texted the question I needed to ask, his reply is straightforward "I kissed you because you wanted to be kissed but there can never be anything between us and I'm sorry if I gave you that impression".

6wks later he emailed me back in Oz to make sure i'm ok. Thank me for our date and to say he will always have fond memories of our time together.

That was Feb 07. Since then I have emailed twice, both times to get infomation on skiing in Switzerland. Both times he has replied. The latest he said "perhaps I could come and see you?".

Now.. my heart wants to say yes, please do. My head says no cos I still want him. That feeling never goes away. He is on a pedestal. No other guy stands a chance.

I'm 40 now, he's 51 and has never married, always lived alone. I've been single & celibate for 3yrs now and don't know that I will ever be able to move on. Even had relationship counselling to no avail. I'm screwed.

I'm beginning to think I will be single forever.

[Mia123]

17 viewings and no comments/advice. I really am a lost cause.

[lisalisa]

I am a year out of a long term relationship, and I feel some of what you feel. I have stopped contact completely now however, as it was doing no good.

I think this is what you need to do until you can just be friends. At this point in time it seems you obviously can't.

What you need to get your head around is that you aren't in a relationship with this man and he doesn't intend for that to happen.

The things that have helped me:

Take the focus off of him and onto you. Do the things you enjoy doing, work on yourself.
Cut contact.

It's incredibly hard, but you will get there.

I too don't know if I will ever be in a relationship again, but I am realistic enough to know that my ex left and doesn't want me, so my contact with him is done. Staying in contact wasn't helping. Not being in contact hurts too, but less.

[bluesummer]

You really have put this guy up on a pedestal. Time to knock him off.

If it was supposed to happen, it would've by now, and both of you would've put your whole hearts into it, but neither of you have. He's that fantasy-perfect-man that we all have: the one that never really worked out but you always wonder what your life would be like if it did, and you imagine it would be better than anything else you could have with another person.

You're convincing yourself that there's no hope, but there is. First step, recognize the problem. Check. Next step is to stop contact with him. If he was really so wonderful, he'd have been serious about you ages ago.

[Primo]

Mia, you're not going to find a bigger believe in a soulmate or someone that you're such a perfect fit with, that it's destiny to be together than me. That being said, I'm not really reading that into your history with this man. If he's our soulmate, I'm not so sure he feels the same way about you.

You've spent 20 years wondering what he's doing with his life...I think it's time to stop and move forward with yours.