Over 2 and a half years together, now silence

[LoneVince]

Hi guys, heres my story:

Since 2006 I had been playing an online game, and in 2007 I met a girl on that game. Don't jump to conclusions quite yet. By random chance we had met, and we became good friends. As time went on we grew closer and closer, eventually getting to the point of becoming online bf/gf, yeah yeah, I know, just hear me out.

After quite sometime of being "together" we took the next step, contacting each other on the phone. The first time we spoke was magical, everything I had hoped it would be. She kept her relationship with me a secret from her mother, as she was quite over protective of her, let's call my ex Amanda from now on. Me and Amanda talked pretty much everyday on the phone for hours on end, the whole infatuation stage I suppose. Unfortunately Amanda's mother caught her talking to me, and I had to face the wrath of her mother. I didn't care though, I took the beating like it was nothing, I was worried about Amanda. After the mother had discovered us, she limited contact between us. Oh, she lived in a completely different state by the way. However, this only seemed to strengthen the bond between us. Eventually I won the mother over. Then the big step came in 2008 a few months after my birthday.

Amanda and I had been seriously talking about meeting in person, and I had asked her mother if it was possible. She was wary at first, but after a few months she warmed up to the idea. Of course my mother and Amanda's had spoken about this and agreed. So after over a year of talking on the phone, on a warm day in April, Amanda and I finally met in person. As you can imagine we couldn't keep our hands off one another, we were both nervous, but after a while it wore off and we acted as if we were married.

These plane flights to one another continued on until August of this year. We had spent the entire summer together, we had gotten into arguements just as any couple. When I returned home, we were fine as usual, though still getting into arguements every now and then. But in the later part of September we got into a fight that tore us apart. Amanda had always complained to me that she wanted me to goto school in her state, that she wanted me to live with her. That wasn't exactly possible in that point in my life however. She also complained of our fights, eventually getting to the point of offering an ultimatum to me. "The next time you start an arguement with me, that's it. I'm gone."

That turned out to be true. At first, Amanda told me she needed a break. I paniced, begged her not to, that I was sorry. For a week after the supposed "break" had officially begun I called and called and called, trying to talk to her. Eventually this "break" turned into a "break up." I asked her for a second chance, she said yes, but that I would be competeing for her attention. That was like a knife into my heart. Even though I was in a immense amount of pain, I agreed. I kept calling, trying to talk to her in anyway I could, trying to get her attention. She eventually picked up, I was in tears though I didn't show it to her. She said she was sorry for leading me on, that there was no way I could get her back. This struck me even harder, driving the knife in deeper. She said there was at least 3 guys asking her out on dates, and she was going on one the following Thursday. I tried to ask her if I could take her on a date, she said no. I asked if I could at least still be her friend, I asked where the past two and a half years meant, where her love for me had gone. She agreed to being my friend then she got off the phone. For the next week I was completely bawling nearly all day everyday. I sought counseling, my counselor suggested getting closure, and I tried contacting Amanda to get it. I had to use an emergency as an excuse to get her to talk to me, I told her what my counselor said, she said: "Fine, get your closure because this is the last time your going to talk to me." I tried so hard to get closure, but everything I said seemed to change nothing within me. I tried calling several times after that, to no avail. I was completely demolished, I couldn't even find the strength to get out of bed. There was a sinking hole in my chest that racked my body with pain.

It's now been four months since she left me, and for the past week I've been crying, dreaming about her. I've made no attempt past the phone calls I made during the week after the closure conversation, no attempt to contact her whatsoever.

I know that there will always be a part of me that loves her, I just don't want that part to be all that's in my heart. I feel like the only mistake I made during all of this was actually believing her when she said she would never leave me, that I let myself believe for a second that our relationship, however logistically impossible it was, would last. I won't lie and say I don't miss her, but my best efforts to move on don't seem to be enough.

If there is anything you guys would like to/need to know don't hesitate to ask.

[Gigabitch]

When you get some distance from this, you'll see that two very young people having a long distance relationship have NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER making promises like "I'll never leave you."

She was mean to you, Vince. The way she ended it was hurtful and cold. You have every right to be distraught, as much for how she did it as for the fact that she did it at all.

There's a wonderful girl in your future, waiting to meet you. Try to give her a little sliver of your attention. You can't spend the next four months looking backward like you spend the last four.

[LoneVince]

Thanks for the response Giga.

[QueenofCorona]

Its tough to know this when you are young and its your first love but you don't NEED that person. You WILL survive without her. Better days are ahead and I know its hard to believe but one day you'll look back and see this situation through different eyes. You have to start doing good things for yourself and your future. Surround yourself with good friends and family, it helps. Be with someone who wants to be with you.

[LoneVince]

Thanks Queen.

Thats what my mom told me, and it works, for the past four months I've been going out with friends meeting girls. But lately it seems like theres nothing I can do to stop the tears.

[QueenofCorona]

Well, its a life changing experience. I had a friend in a similar situation who actually went on a low dose of anti-depressants for awhile along with some therapy. It worked out pretty good and it wasn't something that ended up being long term. Sometimes our chemicals get out of whack.

[cmacattack1]

It's your first love and you should look at it with brutal honesty, and not dreaming of the better times. She wanted you to choose a school in her state and wanted to you to live with her. We're talking you revolving your very young life around this girl and being with her. Can you imagine what would happen if you did go through with it and she still dumped you? You made a smart move there and it should be an important lesson: never put a relationship above yourself and your life, especially this young when you could just about do anything you want to do. There is a big world out there full of experiences and they should be experiences you want, and not what somebody else wants for you.

Another thing, ultimatums. Not only do they not work, when they do work it's for the wrong reasons. Forcing you to make a decision is not right and puts serious pressure on you. You would be doing it to obey them and appease them, not because you 100 percent wanted to. And when you don't and they follow through on their words, the only action that you would pursue after (the calls and all that emotional tirade that you put her through) would be to get back based on desparation. And nothing ever lasts when it's quickly patched up on desparation.

Telling you that you were competing for her attention was brutal, making you think that what you were doing would get you back when you weren't thinking logically or clearly. She was wrong for that (as you were wrong for pursuing her so desparately). She enjoyed your attention, it fed her ego, but it didn't make her want you back any more. It just gave her a push to the guy that was more laid back about it as he didn't need it as much and as strange as it is, it's a bigger turnon. She wants to be single and she wants to go out and have fun. It's a tough pill to swallow and it's not easy to get over, but be grateful you have hit this milestone in your life in terms of relationship experience this early. I did everything you did because it was my first time at 23, the time when people start settling down and now me ex is seriously dating somebody else and I'm left to sort out the pieces and learn the lessons.

You know what you need to do now when you find another girl, which you will, and you will know how to treat her right and not let it get to where your last relationship went. You know what to do if she breaks up with you (not pursue her with desparation, slap her with no contact and silence). Not to mention it will be less stressful having somebody at school where you can visit and see everyday and not have to fly to see.

[LoneVince]

Thanks for your response cmac. Just incase anyone was wondering, I'm 19, so yes still very young.

[cmacattack1]

Hey, it happens to the best of us. You sound like a great guy and one that's capable of love and understanding and you had the best intentions even though it didn't work out. Believe it or not, it's rare in guys your age at 19. I was a dickhead with my girlfriends my entire life. I went into a relationship enjoying the intimacy but never thinking about love or resisting falling in love and it really limited my effort. I would do alot at first, but give up as soon as I knew they loved me. I was selfish and unappreciative. It finally caught up to me with my last girlfriend, because she kicked me to the curb and it took losing her and being dumped for the first time to really open my eyes and give me a wake up call. Most guys are like me so it's alright to have a little pride and be confident in your abilities and what you can give.

I wanted to put my girlfriend on a pedestal after because she dumped me and I fully admitted I was wrong and did some pretty horrible things. That attitude caused me to chase her mercilessly until she dropped the bomb that she had a new boyfriend. That was 3 months ago and I haven't heard from her since. But I also understood that she was wrong in many ways too, she was very immature, very insecure, and needed some growing up to do. She couldn't do this if we were still in a relationship because we were in a relationship where we ignored each other's flaws and "accepted each other for who we were". You can only sweep so much under the rug though. She needed to be on her own to grow. And I believe the same for your girlfriend and you as well. Keep in mind that no matter how fondly you remember her, she isn't perfect and she needs work too. This space apart is her chance to mess up, make mistakes, and hopefully learn from it to become a better person.

You don't know what the future holds, you never know when she might pop up in your life again. You were an important part of her life and she won't forget you anytime soon. All you can really do is steer clear of her because this is what she wanted and get your life on track without her in it. You both are young but I think you have alot of good qualities and that won't go unnoticed in college. Not to be mean, but you sound like a big nerd meeting your girlfriend on an online game but that is absolutely okay. It's taught you how to really appreciate the relationships you do have and how to treat them right. I was a big nerd too and not very popular in high school. When I got to college, I tried so hard to be social and cool and for the most part I was successful, although my priorities were all ****ed up. It changed who I was and I ended up losing alot of possible friendships and most importantly the girl that I fell in love with. I don't want the same for you.

An important thing I learned ironically from a relationship that had no fighting is that while having a fight sporaidically is normal, it's important that you really resolve it so that it doesn't happen again. Not just saying "I'm sorry I don't want to be mad, let's not fight again" because it's sweeping it under the rug Having the same fight over and over is just arguing for the sake of arguing. You don't have to agree with your partner all the time, but taking the time to understand her side and working towards a solution is really important for a grown up relationship. She may not want to understand yours, but don't worry, it will bring you a long way.

[LoneVince]

Yes, I am a big nerd thanks for noticing lol

And again, thanks for your response. I appreciate the wisdom your sharing with me, as its hard for me to discuss these sort of things with even my own family. I'm more open about this with my counselor then I am with my own father.

I admit, that as you stated, I'm placing her on a pedestal leaving my current love interests (though they are only really love interests in the sense they have romantic feelings for me and seek a relationship with me, and I'm not really reciprocating the attention) trying to strive for a level of perfection, I guess you could call it, that no one can ever reach. But I'm working on that, and every now and then I'll have a small moment of enlightenment when I'll think to myself, "Man, wouldn't it be awesome if I fell for this girl?" the 'girl' in reference being someone I met recently who seemed to mesh very well with me. Unfortunately these are fleeting moments.

I have a question by the way. Is it unhealthy for me to, everynow and then, check up on her? I mean, she still plays the online game we met on, and lately I've been looking her up on the highscores, sort of stalking her progress on the game. Stupid question because I know it itsn't healthy for me at all deep down, I guess I'm just looking for validation.

[cmacattack1]

Ah well, you are going to be tempted to. Lord knows I hit a rough patch and I'm tempted to look at my ex on facebook but if you keep in mind everything that you learned from all this, it might help you with that. You have to ask yourself, what can I possibly accomplish by looking up her scores and checking up on her games? Is it going to remind you of her more? Is it going to make you feel sad and remember all the good times you had with her? Is it going to somehow tell you she still has feelings for you? Nah, not likely.

Everytime you find yourself thinking about doing something like that, just think about how it won't really get you anywhere and then find something else to do. Maybe even cutting down on your gametime will help, and maybe it will help you dissapear from her as well. She might be checking on your scores too, you never know.

Believe it or not, a few months after a break up is still pretty soon. After all the begging I did, I long since figured out that the only way I can have a future with her is to not approach her at all and have her want to come to me of her own choice. She has to want to. Any other way would be trying to make her come back and that won't get me anywhere. It's not likely for me and it's not likely for you, and if it was, my experience is that it takes a year or years so no sense in putting stock in it and waiting around. Just accept it as it is what it is, you can't change anything that has happened. You cannot control how she acts or feels, if she feels it, she will come to you. All you can do is control what you do, and now's a good time to better yourself and fix any weaknesses this relationship has shown you.

Like I said it's pretty soon and there is no timetable on when that pain will go away. I haven't talked to my ex in 3 months and I still had three nights in a row where I dreamed about her. And you feel like you will never care about somebody like you cared about her. But it's a good sign you have love interests, and even if you don't feel the same way, it's good to hang around with other people as long as you are honest outright with them. You really never know when you run into somebody that will really knock you out or if somebody you saw as a friend might turn into something more.