Any suggestions?

[white_rose]

Hey all,

After a long deliberation, I've decided it would be best to break up with my boyfriend. I was wondering what is the best way to go about it, without completely ripping out his heart.

I still care about him, I still love him I'm just not in love with him. I figure the best thing I can do for him is to set him free.

Is honesty the best policy? Should I admit that I was just an insecure needy bitch that idealised him into something he wasnt. Now that I realise who he actually is, I just see him more as a friend. (Of course I wont ask to be friends, thats completely up to him).

We're also long distance, which is a problem for me. And I have told him about that several times. But he don't see it as an issue, saying that who knows what will happen in the future. Realistically speaking, the only way we will become non-long-distance is three years from now. I'm only 20, and he's my first boyfriend. I just don't see why I should wait around three years for him.

Ok, having said all of this I have tried several times to break up with him. In fact, we've actually have "broken up" a few times but it didnt last for ONE day. In fact, I told him all of the above. I've admitted I'm having doubts to our relationship and my feelings for him. He decided it was best we broke up. Then he calls me up later pretending as if NOTHING has happenned. I just don't know what to do anymore. Do i really have to stomp around on his heart, make him feel awful to truly break up with him? I don't know if i can do that, when i still care about him and it makes me sad to see him in pain. But i just can't continue this relationship anymore.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

[vashti]

Yikes! This reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George's girlfriend wouldn't let him break up with her.

Anyway, if he won't allow you to break up, you haven't been firm enough with him. I don't think it is nice to rip someone's heart out, but you need to make it clear you don't want to hear from him. If he calls you anyway, don't answer the phone. If he still won't leave you alone, change your number.

Don't do the "friends" thing. It never works. He doesn't want to be your friend.

[Rowlander]

First of all: You are absolutely sure you want to break up with him? That you are not in love with him any more? You are not undecided?

Then:
Yes, you have to make this absolutely clear to him. You mentioned that you have told him all about your doubts. That can be confusing. Maybe he thought that you were just confused and that he could fix it in time. Don´t act insecure just to be nice. You don´t have to hurt his feelings (you shouldn´t) but you should be "matter-of-factly" about it and tell him that it is over in an un-emotional way. Tell him that you still care for him but make it absolutely clear that you are not in love with him and that you need to move on.

If he calls you again and acts as if nothing happened then don´t play into that! Maybe ask him how he is handling the break-up. Bring the subject up if you have to, don´t avoid it. You have to act differently yourself, you can´t treat him exactly the same as before. At least not for a while.

These are my thoughts on the subject. I hope I gave you good advice since I don´t know all the facts about you and your boyfriend. You know best how to do it exactly.

You should always be honest. Caring for his feelings is noble and important. But you can´t act as if you are breaking up "a little". Do it once and clearly and then act on it! Don´t even talk about it for too long, he needs to see that you are serious about this. You have to be determined in this case!

Just don´t rip out his heart.

One more thing I´d like to ad:
Never break up over the phone or by instant message, somebody did that to me and it hurt very much because it is cowardice. If you can, do it in person.

[Gribble]

Break up and don't answer his calls. If you bump into him and he starts treating you the same remind him that you're no longer his girlfriend.

If that still doesn't work rip his wretched little heart out and crush it beneath your heel.

[Gigabitch]

You seem to have a problem sticking to your guns. Get help. Recruit a couple of girlfriends to be on "reconciliation patrol" for a few days after you give him the bad news. Tell them to make sure you don't cave.

I suggest you write a long, detailed letter to him. Make it very clear, and about the facts. Be kind, but not sentimental. You don't want to plant seeds of hope where they cannot grow.

Then call him and have that conversation. Don't let it be one of those marathon, six-hour nightmares that drains you both. Tell him, "I can't do this with you any more. I'm not telling you we have problems that need to be addressed; I'm telling you goodbye. I'm sending a letter right now. Don't call me until you read it."

Then he can be allowed ONE more phone conversation with you, just to close the door, and it's OVER.

No contact after that. No emails, no texts, nothing. That's what breaking up is. Vashti's right- that "friends" thing is total bullshit.

[white_rose]

Thanks for all the advices.

I'll be more firmer. And yes, I'm 100% sure I want to end this. I'm finding myself frustrated all the time now. I just feel like its dragging on forever.

I'm fine with the whole no contact thing. But he is the one who keeps doing it. I guess I need to be cold and ignore it.

And another thing, he says we need to remain in contact coz he "owes" me money. Throughout our relationship I spent alot of money on him and he wants to pay me back. I personally don't want it back. But he says it'd make him feel like crap if doesnt give it back to me. Coz it will be like he "used" me. This is considering he doesnt even have a job so I dont bloody understand. He's like we can't break up til he return the money. Which is bullshit!

Sorry, I'm probably just ranting again. Thanks again for the advice. I'll get help sticking to my guns.