How do you let the past go and not let it influence the present and future?

[shybelle]

My parents relationship was horrible, but they are still together. My father when I was younger was a violent alcoholic and my mother was an extremely passive, enabler. Although my father was never violent towards me he was violent with both my mother and my sibling. He was extremely controlling and verbally abusive to all of us. The ironic thing was that everyone outside of the house loved and still love my father. He can be the most charming man that you have ever met when he wants to be. I learned early on not to trust what someone presents to you on the surface because it is a lie. I also learned not to trust the judgement of others or myself.

I think this is one of the reasons that I have a hard time trusting people and especially men. I have been told that I am guarded, but it is hard to open up when you fear being hurt.

What I want to know is when will I be able to let this go or if I ever will be? I have worked with Rape Crisis/Safe Homes and Women's shelters and the discussion groups. I have also attended Al-Anon sessions. These talk and more talk groups always seem so depressing and they do nothing to lift you up. It seems that everyone there has a story worse then the next one and it just makes the world seem as if it is full of horrible people.

How do you learn to trust, especially if you were never able to trust the ones you should have been able to trust as a child? What do you do when a guy is interested in you and he is trying to get to know you? Do you tell him about your (dum, dum, dum)-CHILDHOOD in the hopes that a) he won't think you are a freak, b)that he might understand you a little better c) won't toss you aside or d) won't tell everyone all of your business.

This has been more of a problem as of late because I have decided that I am going to have better interpersonal relationships (this is not my NY resolution I have been working towards this since last year). I usually just push guys away and I know that it is out of fear that they a) won't want me once they really know me (I was told numerous times that I was no good etc- the usual put downs) b) are only trying to use me (my dear mum's favorite statement about any boy that ever showed me any attention) c) are just going to hurt my already fragile sense of self and I won't be able to pick my self up again d) that I will end up with someone just like dear old dad (charming, yet violent, mean, manipulative etc.)

I know that there are several questions in this thread but any insight would be greatly appreciated. Happy New Year

[vashti]

Hi shybelle.

I think you learn to trust men by being selective and by developing a history of making good choices taht are in your own best interests. I think a lot of females who come out of alcoholic homes tend to make excuses for bad behavior by males so they don't have to be alone. Don't do this. You have a right to expect that people treat you the way you would treat them. Trust your instincts about people; smart children of alcoholics tend to be excellent judges of character, and I bet you are, too.

How old are you?

BTW - I am not surprised by your charming father being popular amongst outsiders - my father was this way, too. It taught me to not trust people who are excessively charming, because it is usually a skill developed in order to distract people from significant character flaws.

[shybelle]

Thanks Vashti.
Funny that you should ask because I probably sound much younger than I am in this post. I am 31 and just starting (or actually am finally ready) to try and figure all of this out. I have tended in the past to always treat others the way that I would want to be treated and then ended up being disappointed by them later. I forgive but don't forget. I hope that makes sense. I tend to give people another chance (hoping that they'll do right this time) while at the same time watching them with a wary eye and holding back (bracing for the worst). This goes for most people (parents, friends etc.)

I do have 'gut' feelings about some people. That feeling where something just does not sit right with me about someone. I'm glad you understand that because its difficult to explain to people why there are some people you just withdraw from and want nothing to do with without giving them a 'good' reason why. Occasionally, I have gone against that 'gut' instinct. The situations have never turned out well. Are you suprised?

I guess I'm concerned that I am being overly cautious in non'gut' feeling instances. It's a little late but this is the first time in my life where I have not been in a situation where I had friends from school or friends that I met through other friends around me. My town is moderately sized but not the most welcoming and I have had to strike out on my own. I have met more than my share of individuals who I would have loved to have just avoided but as an adult this is not an option so you grin and bear it for the time being. In the work a day world that is fine but I sorely need to expand my personal social circle and I feel that I am stifling myself.

Your post brought up a good point - I learned also not to trust charming people. Things that seem too good to be true usually are. So what criteria do you use when meeting guys? I tend to attract the talkative, aggressive, pushy kinds when I am out. (for me those are all major red flags). I am starting to wonder if I am giving off a vibe that I am unaware of because this happens often. Of course this then brings out my major fears that I am going to end up in the exact situation that I have spent my life trying to avoid and I run for the hills (not literally of course). I know there are probably people who would say you'll never know unless you try but my problem is that I do know what I could potentially lose if I choose wrong. I promised my self as kid that I would never live like that again. Thanks for the reply.

[vashti]

I've been married for a long time, but back when I was dating, I did have criteria that helped prevent me from choosing someone like my parents. First of all, they couldn't drink excessively. Secondly, they had to be employed in an occupation they were proud of. There were other criteria for me, but these were absolute non-negotiables. You have to think hard about what YOU need, what things are non-negotiable for you, and don't settle for people that do not meet your criteria.

You might try putting yourself in positions to meet decent men. I would definitley avoid bars. Do you do any volunteer work? Or maybe have an athletic hobby?

Although you say this is the first time you've been away from your normal support system, it is probably a great opportunity to surround yourself with quality people.