Complicated Girlfriend Problem... looking for advice

[pensfan]

My gf and I have been dating for about 7 months. We hit it off right from the start in doing so slept with each other after the 3rd time we hung out. After about 2 weeks of sleeping together I received an email telling me that she has herpes and was SO sorry for not telling me… she had gotten it from the person in her previous relationship after a year of being with him and he had never told her he had it. I was devastated but completely head over heals for this girl and after a few days of thinking about it I decided to stay with her. Over those three days I had learned everything I could about herpes and decided she was worth the risk and I could understand why she had not told me (I was the first person she seriously dated/told after the past relationship and it must have been incredibly hard).

Naturally, I had some trust issues with her because she lied to me so I wanted to know more about her past. This turned into a long process of me constantly asking her things she had already answered because I wasn’t sure if I could believe her (annoying her in the process). One thing I asked her is how many people she had slept with, she originally told me 5, then later she admitted to 7, then after a large argument because I still didn’t believe her she told me 10 and that was it. I understand that issue is tough for a girl to speak freely about but I felt entitled to the information because of the herpes issue. I told her repeatedly I didn’t care how many, I just wanted the truth. Well, I couldn’t leave it at that and kept asking her if she had lied to me about anything else which kept annoying her.

I contracted herpes from her about a month into our relationship. Obviously this was devastating to me but I always made sure not to blame her because in reality it was my choice. However, I think I took it out on her in other ways (asking all the questions and not trusting her). In hind site, I know if I wanted to really pursue the relationship I should have just forgiven her and moved on but I acted immature and couldn’t help but ask her questions (I think I did it because I knew it bothered her subconsciously and it might have been a way to get back at her, It was the weirdest experience for me – I’ve never felt compelled to ask past girlfriends information like that but I just couldn’t stop).

Well about a month ago, my suspicions got the best of me and I snooped through some of her stuff. Feeling incredibly guilty the next day, and like a hypocrite for not holding myself to the same honesty standard, I told her and she said she was annoyed but not that mad at me.

Now reading this you might think this is a very dysfunctional relationship but all of that (besides the constant questioning) was relatively minor. We have been totally in love with each other and have had an amazing time. This was almost a love at first sight type of situation.

One more piece of information, she was planning on moving at the beginning of May when we met but I told her if she would wait for the summer I would move with her. Her job ended in April because of her previous moving plans so she agreed to find odd job work for the summer. She planned on moving to get out of our current town and be in the place with her sister (her parents are also crazy so she wants to get away from them). The end of April was also about the time I snooped through her things.

For the entire month of May she has been acting very distant. We have had a couple very emotional conversations where she tells me she thinks something is missing between us and she does not know if we’re meant to be together. She also says, in the same breath, she’s really down because she doesn’t know what she wants to do when she moves and feels like she doesn’t have any direction in her life. She has a few ideas but is not 100% on anything. For the whole month of May she has been off and on, sometimes we seem inseparable and others she is incredibly distant. Whenever we talk of a break she get’s very emotional and says that she does want to be with me but has just been confused about EVERYTHING. But then the next day she is just distant again and I can tell she is not positive about being with me.

The same goes for our sexual relationship. I am a big believer in masculine/feminine polarity and for a while our sex sucked. Sometimes I couldn’t even stay hard enough to have sex. This was around the time when the questioning was its most intense and I could see now that the polarity between us was non-existent. She claimed that there was no passion in our relationship anymore but once I realized the polarity was gone and I made a point to fix it, our sex was 100% better. However all her other problems still existed.

She claims she is just really confused with the pressure of us moving together, feeling depressed about not knowing what she wants to do with her life, and being confused about us. She says that she now realizes the constant questioning turned her off over time because it made me seem insecure which I can totally see (I really wish I had not done it). However, she realizes she wronged me with the entire herpes/lying thing and can understand why I did what I did and that she just needs to get over it. She also knows I’m not insecure and there was really a reason behind all of it.

I am completely over my trust issues now and have been for a month. She just keeps acting very unstable and it came to me telling her we need a break for her to figure things out and not be so confused. I told her I can’t handle being around her when she is in this state because it’s not fun for me or her and it’s just exhausting. I am completely in love with this girl and until a month ago, she was with me. Even with the break I requested, no contact, she can’t help but text me and message me.

I’m not sure if this is just a relationship that is doomed to fail or if we each had our own issues that we dealt with in horrible ways and need to get past. She won’t stop contacting me on this break but she knows I think we both need out space to figure out what we want.

I have accepted my herpes fate and this is not an issue for me wanting to be with her. I really do love her and we were completely happy most of the time we were together.

She says one thing that makes her think we’re not supposed to be together is I don’t make her laugh as much as she thinks her man should, but my response was that she’s been so closed off that no one could. I am just really confused by this whole situation and I am not sure how to proceed, especially since she sends me such mixed signals – acting distant when we’re together (might only be because of the job/moving stress and my questioning turning her off) but then balling every time we talk about breaking up and her inability to not talk to me while we are on a break.

I have not been able to tell my complete story to friends because I am still ashamed I now have herpes. So they can’t get a realistic view of what has gotten us to our current state and provide good advice. I hope that this forum can do this for me because I’m obviously more comfortable with being anonymous.

[Indignant]

can you cut down on the text please?

[Gigabitch]

The only really shameful thing about herpes is being irresponsible enough to pass it around. I thought you could make sure your partner didn't get herpes by paying attention to when you have breakouts. Is this true?

[pensfan]

Absolutely not and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, I am THE example. She had not had an outbreak for 6 months but I got it after only a month of being with her. It's called asymptomatic shedding.

There is no was to be 100% safe, even with a condom.

[Gigabitch]

Well, that sucks. So much for those Valtrex ads. Do you regret your choice?

[pensfan]

I don't think I ever will. I am 100% in love with this girl and it kills me that she might not feel the same, given how close we were just a short time ago. I rarely find girls I am interested in enough to date and I think she is everything I want.

My only regret is not being mature enough to accept her original confession and then move on. I definitely pushed her away and I think the pressures of moving have just ballooned everything into a mess.

I guess all I can hope for is if it is meant to be then it'll work. We spend a TON of time together so I'm clinging to the hope of a fresh start after we've both had space to consider our feelings carefully and then have a fresh start.