how do i forgive myself?

[avine]

Hi guys i wondered if you could give me any insights. I went through a bad break up of an affair 2 months ago and thought i would be over it by now but it still hurts as if it was yesterday. I have to see this man all the time at my work but we don't speak to each other. In the time i have had to think about it i have come to realize that i cannot get over it because the resulting situation is my fault. I knew, on more than one occasion while i was still with him that things were going wrong and that i should have ended it but i ignored this inner voice and continued with the affair, maybe out of hope that things would go back to how they were or cos i wasn't ready to let go or was waiting to regain control. Bottom line is that the horrible way it ended could have been avoided if only i had listened to my brain when it repeatedly warned me. Yes he is an a** about that there is no doubt, but i was the one who let him hurt me, i allowed the situation to continue. And i am unable to forgive myself, i feel like such an idiot for not being wiser. And every time i see him it reminds me of my failure and i just wish i knew how to forgive myself for my stupidity and move on. thanks for reading x

[HeartIsAching]

Easy. Vow to yourself (and keep the vow) to never go there again. Your conscience will then rest.

[avine]

Thanks tried that i said to self that next time i will do what i know its right but its not helping, i keep revisiting in my mind all the occasions i should have acted differently and didn't and its a vicious circle because nothing can be done about it now.

[Millie]

Avine HIA is right, learn the lessons and don't repeat the same mistakes, that's all you can do. With the best will in the world you can't undo what's in the past - beating yourself up over what if's and if only's won't change anything, so forgive yourself and just focus on making better choices going forward.

[stilldoubting]

start looking for a new job, get counselling to figure out what possessed you to have this affair. what made you think its ok to cheat and learn how to be a good partner who has strong morals and integrity and h
to realize going with a married man is not only immoral but also foolish and naive. not just married men-taken men in general.

you can either sit around feeling like an innocent victim in all this pretending that your only mistake was trusting him or take responsibility, accept the wrong you have done and learn why you did it and why you will never do it again.

affairs are catasthrophic and detrimental. no matter how bad a relationship gets-they are never a solutiion and should never be an option.

have you told your partner (assuming you have one) what you have done? that is the first step. nobody deserves to live a lie so its time to face your demons

[avine]

Avine HIA is right, learn the lessons and don't repeat the same mistakes, that's all you can do. With the best will in the world you can't undo what's in the past - beating yourself up over what if's and if only's won't change anything, so forgive yourself and just focus on making better choices going forward.

thanks Millie i know logically you are right but i find it really difficult to and i guess that having to see him doesn't help. every time i see him i want to tear him to shreds but he did what he did he is just an idiot who doesn't know better but i knew he was lying and i still let it jo on and i hate myself for it because in his eyes no doubt that i am the idiot and he is laughing.

[avine]

start looking for a new job, get counselling to figure out what possessed you to have this affair. what made you think its ok to cheat and learn how to be a good partner who has strong morals and integrity and h
to realize going with a married man is not only immoral but also foolish and naive. not just married men-taken men in general.

you can either sit around feeling like an innocent victim in all this pretending that your only mistake was trusting him or take responsibility, accept the wrong you have done and learn why you did it and why you will never do it again.

affairs are catasthrophic and detrimental. no matter how bad a relationship gets-they are never a solutiion and should never be an option.

have you told your partner (assuming you have one) what you have done? that is the first step. nobody deserves to live a lie so its time to face your demons

Sorry i didn't express myself clearly its not the fact that i had the affair i am regretting. Its the fact i didn't end it on several occasions i knew he was lying and instead i chose to believe the lies.
im not acting like an innocent victim quite the opposite i recognize that my failure to act caused the resulting situation.
my beliefs regarding relationships differ from yours but that is not what i aimed to discuss in this particular post.

[stilldoubting]

well then you really have not learned a thing. shame on people like you. it makes me sick you dont regret a sordid shady affair where numerous people get hurt. people like you should be locked up. off to find your next lver and reck his kids lives too? go on then the kids would be better off without him anyway if he would go anywhere near you

[avine]

well then you really have not learned a thing. shame on people like you. it makes me sick you dont regret a sordid shady affair where numerous people get hurt. people like you should be locked up. off to find your next lver and reck his kids lives too? go on then the kids would be better off without him anyway if he would go anywhere near you

As i said what you are discussing was not the topic of my post. However i respect your opinions we are all entitled to our own beliefs, i could go in depth about what i believe and why but in this context it is irrelevant.
All i was asking was how do i deal with having known what to do but failing to do it due to naive reasons.

[Millie]

thanks Millie i know logically you are right but i find it really difficult to and i guess that having to see him doesn't help. every time i see him i want to tear him to shreds but he did what he did he is just an idiot who doesn't know better but i knew he was lying and i still let it jo on and i hate myself for it because in his eyes no doubt that i am the idiot and he is laughing.

Yeah, it's always easier to say it than to do it, I guess it's just going to take some time, Chica. One day at a time and all that. If you have a bad day try to wipe the slate clean and start from a more positive place the next day. Baby steps. Working with him really doesn't help, I wouldn't discard the idea of looking for a job somewhere else to make your own life easier, but that's not going to happen overnight. I know right now you resent him but eventually those feelings will fade and you'll realise he did you a huge favour - I think the day you know you're going to be fine will be the day you no longer care what he thinks or laughs at. It'll take a while but you'll get there.

[avine]

Yeah, it's always easier to say it than to do it, I guess it's just going to take some time, Chica. One day at a time and all that. If you have a bad day try to wipe the slate clean and start from a more positive place the next day. Baby steps. Working with him really doesn't help, I wouldn't discard the idea of looking for a job somewhere else to make your own life easier, but that's not going to happen overnight. I know right now you resent him but eventually those feelings will fade and you'll realise he did you a huge favour - I think the day you know you're going to be fine will be the day you no longer care what he thinks or laughs at. It'll take a while but you'll get there.

Thanks thats really kind. I hope you are right, i would have thought that 2 months later i would be over it and it would be a distant memory but it isnt so. I keep being tormented by what i should have done and the worst thing is i had known, then when it was happening. I am working on getting another job, however that makes me feel slightly like a coward, why should i be the one running? however it would be much easier if i didn't have to see him because every time i do i relive the whole thing and feel like being stabbed in the heart, excuse the corny metaphor lol

[Millie]

Thanks thats really kind. I hope you are right, i would have thought that 2 months later i would be over it and it would be a distant memory but it isnt so. I keep being tormented by what i should have done and the worst thing is i had known, then when it was happening. I am working on getting another job, however that makes me feel slightly like a coward, why should i be the one running? however it would be much easier if i didn't have to see him because every time i do i relive the whole thing and feel like being stabbed in the heart, excuse the corny metaphor lol

Oh I absolutely don't think you should see moving on as cowardly, try to think of it as you taking control of your future and making a positive change for the better. Don't think of it as running so much as leaving the dead-weight behind, at this point it's really only holding you back anyway. This man, he himself and his presence in you life, brings absolutely nothing positive to your world at all, from what I can tell, you can only benefit from moving on to better things.

[avine]

Oh I absolutely don't think you should see moving on as cowardly, try to think of it as you taking control of your future and making a positive change for the better. Don't think of it as running so much as leaving the dead-weight behind, at this point it's really only holding you back anyway. This man, he himself and his presence in you life, brings absolutely nothing positive to your world at all, from what I can tell, you can only benefit from moving on to better things.

You are right his presence only brings negative feelings to my life. I don't mind my job but most days im totally disinclined to go to work because i know ill have to contend with him. Would be so good not to see him again, out of sight out of mind as they say and i would really welcome that. to be able to leave the poison behind and be able to accept my errors without feelings of inadequacy and lack of dignity and free my mind of past regrets.

[michelle23]

Sorry i didn't express myself clearly its not the fact that i had the affair i am regretting. Its the fact i didn't end it on several occasions i knew he was lying and instead i chose to believe the lies.

Avine I think still doubting makes a very valid point. Until you change your ways and learn that affairs are not the answer, you will keep making the same bad decisions again and again and you will continue to hurt others and hurt yourself. You cannot help someone who doesnt want help..

The problem is not that you kept giving him chances, the problem is that you started an affair with him in the first place. Have you not learned that married men will not leave their wife for you by now? They will continue to use and hurt you as long as you let them

And you should be ashamed that you really dont care about how this affects other people involved such as his wife, kids, extended family, your partner, family.. It is very selfish and wrong

[avine]

The problem is not that you kept giving him chances, the problem is that you started an affair with him in the first place. Have you not learned that married men will not leave their wife for you by now? They will continue to use and hurt you as long as you let them

Michelle jumping into conclusions here at no time did i want him to leave his wife for me, that is not the kind of lies i meant. It was more things he would say one day then completely contradict himself the next and me instead of addressing it, i let it go autoconvincing myself that i didn't care but the true reason was because i didn't want to let him go, so instead i put up with his sh*t and thats what i hate self. because i didn't stand up for myself when i knew i should have.