Understanding the status of our relationship

[Mabalzich]

Hello everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm in need of some insight and viewpoint from outsiders because I'm confused what's going on and how or even if to proceed.

So me and a colleague have over about 8 months developed quite a close bond. Out of all the colleagues she spends most of her time alongside me and it has progressed over time where she now feels in total comfort with me to share personal details (was very anxious at the start of her employment). She has opened up a lot to me about her underlying issues and battles with self-esteem, depression and general mental health. I've taken it upon myself to take an interest in subjects she likes to make sure she always has something to talk to me about as she has a fear she will run out of things of interest to discuss to the point she says she doesn't text often and wants to keep things to talk about when face to face with people. I've offered advice and opinions on things she does / plans, been stern with my viewpoints and acted quite camp / feminine as girls of a nervous disposition feel more comfortable with someone who is silly / camp I feel.

To summarize her character I'd say once she gets comfortable around people she becomes herself no matter who you are but to my knowledge I don't believe she has been this open or toward any other male staff member, so I sense a bit of trust there between us. She's an extremely friendly and enthusiastic individual when you she gets comfortable but can be quite recluse/shy at first meetings.

She was previously close to another male staff member for a few short months but him leaving and me taking over his hours (me and her still worked together just not for as long as now) and it means we get to spend a lot of time together and I'd say I've probably become one of few heterosexual males shes in constant contact with currently, hasn't been on a date since I've known her, deals with girlfriends mainly. And despite being a very good looking girl doesn't really do much outside of work / college for someone her age. I'd describe her as an old soul in a young womens body, different tastes in almost everything compared to other girls her age.

Anyway the first instance where my interest piqued was when we were discussing finding partners, it was me, her and another female colleague talking and when my attention was diverted to attend to a customer (still in close proximity) I heard our colleague friend saying: "Nooooo... hes really old." and ".. but he has no hair". I didn't hear a name being mentioned but I am older than her and have a skinhead so my initial reaction was it was in reference to me, however we also have two more colleagues older and lacking hair such as myself and it could of easily been one of them. However at this point is where I began to analyze and take note of things my colleague did around me. That same day I was working alongside a male colleague and she mentioned my name, looking over she was grinning widely and she said she'd been smiling/looking at me for the past five minutes (exaggeration), this only added to my intrigue.

Then over the Christmas period we bonded more and we were in our canteen with other staff members, we were playing a game where I had to guess what was being drawn on my skinhead. She started with my name, then did a + she asked me did I know what that was and at the time I said a cross, then she continued and drew her own name and then a - later I realized it could of meant me + her When I was leaving one afternoon before them (very rarely happens) we had xmas music on in the background and she mentioned it was not a good song to leave on and they literally ushered me out (she likes ones like all I want for Christmas is you) and her friend said "It's not like you won't see him again." And when it was xmas eve I wished her a happy Christmas and extended my hand for her to shake but she lunged forward and hugged me.

During the early new year I created a card for her that was quite personal and inspirational because she was quite depressed, she loved the card to the point she told everyone about it, shared it on social media with a message like " The cutest thing I've ever received *Angel emoji* " and even came into work with her friend telling people and called me a sweetheart. Her mom said to me: "You need to stop being nice to ' X ', I want her to go to university, she'll never leave." This was such a random thing to say but it wasn't said harshly, I feel maybe my colleague's mom was subtly warning me she gets attached to people and finds goodbyes difficult.

The following days after the receiving of the card her social media posts became quite love related, the word love in Chinese writing with a seductive look/pose on Instagram, posts with love hearts around her head etc. And with girls I tend to feel they always do something on social media to express how they currently feel be it re-tweets, posts, likes etc. Did she misinterpret my card, if she had any feeling towards me before this wouldn't of helped but only added to it I imagine.

Regarding me dating, I got myself a date and when she found out and within ~30 minutes went quite cold, said she was in a mood (thought nothing of it, girls and moods are not rare). That same day after she left from work on her Twitter feed she re-tweeted something posted a month ago which was a sheep to Marilyn Monroe with the text "Who Is She?" and the video was "I wanna be loved by you, just you, And nobody else but you, I wanna be loved by you, alone! Boop-boop-a-doop!" And she was very eager to find out how the date went the next time I saw her. Could be nothing but its a bit of a co-incidence.

Valentines come around and tbh I didn't do anything for it but the next time I worked with one of my older gay colleagues who is also close to this girl came to me and said to me "You didn't get ' x ' a valentines card." He saw her the day after and obviously it must of cropped up, did you receive any cards, did ' x ' send you one etc?

Some of the things she does around me constantly are:

• I have tattoos on my arms and shave them so they are smooth, she knows this and its visible just from looking that they are shaven and yet always says quite often on our days working together "do you still shave your arms?" but while saying this always goes in for psychical contact on my forearms. Usually stroking my arm for 5-10 seconds.
• When talking to me she occasionally stops what she is doing to the point we both forget we are working, gives me her full attention and faces me, she also sometimes tends to fiddle with objects, like you would jerk your knee if nervous.
• She likes to get quite close to me at times while working, sure its unavoidable at times but there is a personal space with everyone and yet she likes to get quite close.
• Used to but not often anymore make meow noises directed at me.
• I have a skinhead and she randomly without asking just puts her hand on my scalp and strokes me lol
• Never really pays me compliments or appreciation but is the first to offer it to other colleagues when I'm around. Spark a reaction from me maybe? I don't know.
• She has started going for high-fives a lot usually always starting with me.
• Sometimes talks to me about how no boys ask her out, shes tired of her appearance. Maybe looking for me to compliment her / gratification / acceptance? She does seem to have low self-esteem. I've always been quite careful with my words around her, I've never told her she is beautiful, gorgeous, stunning even though she is.
• She'll regularly come into the shop out of hours she works to simply pick up a single chocolate bar or something else, could be genuine but also could be an excuse to see people. I wouldn't personally go to a shop that's ~5 mins away for a £0.60 chocolate bar. Also has recently started to wait to be served by me even though numerous self-service machines are free and she could be gone in a matter of seconds.
• Quite often does that hair ear tuck thing girls do when speaking with me while looking down.
• Used to get very anxious around me to the point her eyes watered and it looked like she was upset, no longer the case now.
• After days we work together sometimes posts on social media stories or likes post relating to songs / statuses regarding love, romance etc. TLC If I Was Your Girlfriend, Whitney Houston album all about relationships/love etc this could be nothing she may simply like these songs.

When mentioning about resuscitation and the kiss of life my gay colleague said ' X ' will give me the kiss of life while she was in proximity and she never said that she wouldn't, usually girls jump to correct people if they absolutely would not do something.

She got me a card for my birthday but used words like dear rather than to and lots of love at the end with like 10 kisses. And she pointed out to me the back of the card where it said and where she vocally said out loud "KissMeYouFool" which is the card maker or whatever.

I've been trying to analyze all this over the time we've known each other (8 months working together, about 6 months of hints) and I still can't figure out if she sees me as a dear dear male friend or a potential boyfriend, I know for a fact from colleagues when they've discussed relationships with her she does seem to like older men. I've never been good at getting inside women's heads and motives behind things they do, I could genuinely be mis-reading everything happening and it could be that she is just too friendly. But if I bring this to a head and discuss it with her it could potential ruin the relationship we have already.

We went out for a work meal together but other than that our relationship is purely during business hours, but the time we spend together is a very close bond. She doesn't tend to hang out with any other males when outside of work / college. I have offered to take her out to a theme park but she never got back to me on that and when I did her girlfriend colleague at work did that thing where they look at one another say nothing but are like "OMG!!!! "

I would love to to ask her out purely platonic for the foreseeable as she is younger as she does bring me lots of laughter & joy, plus we act stupid together and seem to enjoy one anothers company.

Thanks again for reading.

[Hooo!]

How exactly can we help you?
I do not understand your problem.
Which advice do you seek here?

[Mabalzich]

Hey Hooo!

My problem is I need someone with a better understanding to go over and offer their opinion if this girl simply likes me as a friend or something more. I've been quite thorough about her character and things I have noticed which may or may not be interpreted as signs this girl likes me as a potential partner. She is as a person who would never be the one to open up about how she feels or make it clear cut her intentions.

On one hand I love our current relationship and wouldn't want to jump to conclusions, dive in and then our relationship turn cold & sour.

[shrah25]

Hey Hooo!

My problem is I need someone with a better understanding to go over and offer their opinion if this girl simply likes me as a friend or something more. I've been quite thorough about her character and things I have noticed which may or may not be interpreted as signs this girl likes me as a potential partner. She is as a person who would never be the one to open up about how she feels or make it clear cut her intentions.

On one hand I love our current relationship and wouldn't want to jump to conclusions, dive in and then our relationship turn cold & sour.

Hi [MENTION=85586]Mabalzich[/MENTION]

Thanks for all of the detail.

I totally understand how challenging the situation you're in is because I went through similar versions when I was younger. I see a lot of people get burnt a lot which is why it's important to not get too attached to the situation (easier said than done I know). I struggled for 3 years with the sort of behaviour described above only to find out that she was just enjoying the attention - rather than being genuinely interested in me.

Hence, based on all the information you've given, I feel it falls into two brackets:

1) She's waiting for you to make a move. There are a number of signs there that demonstrate that she is interested in you but it will require you to muster up the courage and demonstrate that you can step here...If she is low in self esteem, then it's unlikely she will be able to demonstrate the confidence to pursue you.
2) She is thriving on the attention and enjoys throwing the bait out in order to get you to chase her.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are both of you?

Just helps me better understand the different stages in life you are both at.

Thanks

[Mabalzich]

Thanks shrah25 for replying.

To be honest I also had thought it was simply her seeking attention and that's why I've waited. If someone has low self-esteem as she does and doesn't deal with many close males then she'll lavish the opportunity to draw as much attention as possible from those she is in contact with to make her feel better about herself. An extremely cruel thing to do but in this situation I'd probably say is a good assumption.

It's a bit taboo because this girl is only 17 and I'm now 30 so we are at two very different stages in life. If it wasn't for the fact girls around her age who also work with us have queried her relationships and type I'd of totally disregarded this altogether as simply an attention whore who needs validation but I've been told she likes older men and I think this stems to two things, she is like I mentioned a very old soul with completely different tastes to her own age counterparts so can find common ground easier with older men and we tend to come with less hassle and more stability in our lives. Only issue being here is a) the age gap b) different stages in life. So you can see my predicament, its not really clear cut what is going on here.

In regards to her Instagram account she does not post selfies all that often like most girls her age, maybe like one a week. The rest of her posts make up of vinyls, art, screenshots of movies etc. Doesn't have a facebook account. Twitter consists of re-tweets, doesn't seek attention there by posting vague messages etc.

I did persuade one of my co-workers who is now 22 to ask her out, hes a handsome guy, young, has the hair, style etc but she told her friend that she did not want him to ask her out. I did this because I feel its coming to a head now where I definitely need to find out whats going on but I'm going to have to work with this girl for the foreseeable so at all costs don't want to look a fool if I got this all wrong, if shes involved shes off limits which would stop me altogether speaking out.

I have a keen interest in makeup & fashion and follow a lot MUAs/stylists on social media, I'm a very artistic soul and find them a form of art so there is that also that may contribute to it, finding a guy who likes talking makeup etc lol

My intentions if this were genuine would be purely platonic. I never really imagined going with anyone that young before but she is one of those individuals that are rare to find and one you enjoy every moment with.

I may call upon her friend that day when we were mentioning partners and her friend was shook when she discovered she maybe liked someone older & without a lot of hair. If this whole thing was purely for attention surely she wouldn't be daft enough to let one of her friends know about that.

It's a very difficult situation and as you mentioned could fall into either category but it is something I need to find out soon so either I can make a move if its genuine or simply stop putting so much energy into this one girl.

[Mabalzich]

Thought I'd offer an update as this is now kind of resolved as of today.

I put across the way I felt early this morning, spoke to her without anyone else around to avoid embarrassment and it was clear she was a bit confused about all this. Today was all about me openly stating how I felt towards her, it wasn't a formal "Will you go out with me?" conversation.

And watching her reaction it was immediately clear she was bewildered by what was happening. She had a puzzled look on her face, looking away & saying Ooooooook, drawn out oks several times. There wasn't a "I don't see you in that way." remark from her but I'll take her reaction at face value and say there isn't anything there other than friendship.

I said it's been on my mind a while and I'm glad to have got it out in the open now, to which she did a light applause. Don't know how I felt about that whether she was actually commending me for doing it as she knew it may of been tough or in a kind of patronizing kind of way.

Anyway I told her I don't wish her to act any differently to how she has been since I've known her and within 5 minutes we were back to how we had been lol, wish they were all that easy.

I'm not disheartened and it's merely a case of this girl is far too full on & friendly, not a bad thing. She is young and will probably learn as she gets older that her behavior can and will be misinterpreted. I am glad I spoke out as we do go through life with leaving things unsaid and there would of been that question of "What if.."

Now we can simply enjoy the time we have left together.

[Hooo!]

Hey Hooo!

My problem is I need someone with a better understanding to go over and offer their opinion if this girl simply likes me as a friend or something more. I've been quite thorough about her character and things I have noticed which may or may not be interpreted as signs this girl likes me as a potential partner. She is as a person who would never be the one to open up about how she feels or make it clear cut her intentions.

On one hand I love our current relationship and wouldn't want to jump to conclusions, dive in and then our relationship turn cold & sour.

im sorry but you dont
you just need some balls to find it out on your own.

its simple. if you like her you pursue her
if you dont
you dont.

I could just lie to you and tell you shes totally into you
fact is that we just dont know.
and even if we did it didnt matter anyways.
If a girl is not into you you can change that (within some boundaries)
if a girl is into you you can change that (within some boundaries)
if she is unsure you can change that too (within some boundaries)

it comes down to what you want.

[Mabalzich]

That actually makes sense.

I'm usually confident to confront another how I feel. I think the main issue looming over this situation is of me being in conflict with myself for feeling something for this girl as we are 13 years apart and it just felt wrong, so wrong and for someone here to tell me that everything I picked up on was just in my head and none of it was real. I do feel somewhat ashamed.

We saw one another today, talked and all still seems well, no awkwardness. I'm actually really pleased she took it so well and hasn't allowed a rift to come between us, think both of us have handled it well (in the end).

The encounter on Sunday wasn't a full on rejection which probably made it easier for me as well. She knows how I feel now, if there is anything there then the ball is now in her court.

[Titanll]

13 years isn't a deal breaker. But for me, this 13 years would be. I can imagine being 43 and dating a 30 year old but I can't see me as a 30 year old with a 17 year old.

Of course in the US, this is not only taboo but sex with her is illegal.