confused between ex or current bf

[carpediem_b]

Dear All ,

as i think almost evrybody in this forum i need an advice.my story is as follows , i would try to sum it up:

i am 27 yrs old and have had 3 long term relationships in my life ,by long term i mean 2 yrs and above, in the current one ,i am with this amazing guy , living together since 2005.

my problem is that i dont really love him anymore, i do respect him and have all the care and wish the best for him, but i dont have the love that u suppose to have for a partner.

i first cheated in 2005 when we were together only for 8 months , i had a one night stand with my first ex , person that i lost my virginity.and high school sweetheart.despite this i did not break up but felt more conected with my current bf . i promissed to my self that i would not do that anymore and closed all the contact with my ex, although that i was dreaming about him all the time ,however in 2007 happend again . despite my effort not to meet my ex , is like some strong supernatural force makes it happen. i usually meet my ex when i visit my parents in my home country , as i am leaving with my bf in a different place.after 2007 again i promised to my self that i should not do this anymore , is really disrespectful and so mean to do this to someone that really cares abt you, i had all the love for my current bf and tried to concentrate on that , was hard to forget the couple of times i spent with my ex but i managed.

my real problem started tis summer , i usually had spent max 2 weeks with my parents and tried to not meet my ex at all or minimise it and meet him in public places where nothing could happen, but this summer i stayed 2 and half month with my family due to some problems they had, and here it goes i spent this time with my ex and found out that actualy i have this deep feelings about him, i was feeling so bad abt leaving him and coming to my current bf but i had to , i have to give some kind of explanation.

i returned back to my bf , and i found out that actualy i dont love him anymore ..i dont desire him anymore ...but i have to stay here as my job is here and we just bought a house together and he is talking about marriage and i feel traped and want to scream and dont know a way out...same time ..i can not just go back to my parents place with no money , no job ,when i support them financialy. my ex says that should be my decission and he does not want that i chose to return just because of him, when actualy i dont know if i would have ever returned if it was not for him.

my problem is that i dont know if i am in love or infatuated or whatttt..dont know what to do ...and am terrified of making the wrong decission...

any advice???

[Cain]

You need to tell your bf what you've done. You cheated on him twice and he deserves to move on and find someone that truly cares for him and wants to be with him. You obviously never felt that way or you wouldn't have cheated on him twice.

[lesa]

This cheating stuff is beginning to scare and paranoid me. It seems to be the norm. I've read statistics that it is much higher than I thought. Many people have a low threshold for cheating and that is very horrible.

[Cain]

This cheating stuff is beginning to scare and paranoid me. It seems to be the norm. I've read statistics that it is much higher than I thought. Many people have a low threshold for cheating and that is very horrible.

Yep.

And that's why I have always had a hard time trusting women in relationships. My current relationship is the first time I've actually fully trusted that my partner wouldn't cheat on me.

[lesa]

Yep.

And that's why I have always had a hard time trusting women in relationships. My current relationship is the first time I've actually fully trusted that my partner wouldn't cheat on me.

I have never had a trust issue in a relationship. I've always trusted what a boyfriend say. Now, I am damaged. It's not fair that these people hurt the kind-hearted people. Why don't they just form relationships with other cheaters and live happily ever after cheating among cheaters? I don't want to be a part of their club. It messes up my ability to trust when I had no such issues before.

[Cain]

A lot of people on this board think that anyone is capable of cheating.

I'm not one of them. I am positive I'd never do it.

I was never a fan of giving my full trust to someone I just entered into a relationship with in the beginning either. Most people enter relationships before really knowing the person well enough since most people don't start out as friends for a year. Therefore I don't believe I need to fully trust someone I've only known for two months. Trust is earned.

[lesa]

Trust is earned.

I never thought of it like that. I think that describes me very well. Outside of a relationship I trust no one. In relationship, at the beginning it is more like I give him the 'benefit of the doubt' type of trust until he earns the real trust if that makes sense, lol.

I have to give a benefit of the doubt in order to open my heart (which is very difficult for me to do) but trust is earned and can be quickly lost..and extremely difficult to gain again. Once you lost trust it really messes up and ruin a relationship.

[Cain]

The problem is that if you fully trust the person and open your heart so quickly, it's easier for your heart to be broken. If you wait and make them earn the full trust, it'll be much harder for your heart to be invested in the relationship too soon.

[Charlie Boy II]

I'm tired of hearing some people on this forum always talk vaguely about "those kinds of people". Like there's a goblin eyed sub-group of humanity responsible for all this cheating and lying.

[lesa]

I'm tired of hearing some people on this forum always talk vaguely about "those kinds of people". Like there's a goblin eyed sub-group of humanity responsible for all this cheating and lying.

Is it not correct? If done once then that person has joined the goblin eyed sub-group club. It's ultimately our own frailty for whatever cheating threshold we have.

[Cain]

I believe that anyone that has cheated once can never, ever claim that they won't do it again. If you're weak enough to do it once, you're weak enough to do it again.

[lesa]

Yep. The OP is a good example. It's scary that you cannot even promise yourself that you will never do it again. I think it is wise to determine what this "threshold" of cheating is for you. Then the past cheater may be able to determine if they have a higher probability of cheating again.

For example, if you cheated because some random guy handed you his phone number and you called and acted on it...it's a good chance that you will be a chronic cheater. On the other hand if you cheated because you were beaten up by your spouse, moved from the home, lived separate lives then I guess that is a high threshold for cheating but I don't know (bad example, I don't know if that is really cheating). I am clueless really lol.

[Cain]

Yep. The OP is a good example. It's scary that you cannot even promise yourself that you will never do it again. I think it is wise to determine what this "threshold" of cheating is for you. Then the past cheater may be able to determine if they have a higher probability of cheating again.

For example, if you cheated because some random guy handed you his phone number and you called and acted on it...it's a good chance that you will be a chronic cheater. On the other hand if you cheated because you were beaten up by your spouse, moved from the home, lived separate lives then I guess that is a high threshold for cheating but I don't know (bad example, I don't know if that is really cheating). I am clueless really lol.

If the two are separated, I don't consider that cheating.

[Citycat]

carpediem_b:

If you stay with your current b/f you'll never be truly happy simple because you'll be fantasizing about your ex until your ex refuses to be with you when you go back to your hometown or until he gets married or until some other reason or maybe never. The problem is you hasted with buying a house with your current b/f, which you shouldn't have done especially because you had cheated on him before. Don't do such big things with guys unless you're 100% sure he's the one.

Here's what you can do now:
1) stay with your current b/f and commit to that decision
2) leave your current b/f, sell the house, rent a place in the town your current good job is, move on and find someone 3rd
3) leave your current b/f, sell the house, rent a place in the town your current good job is and ask your ex b/f to move there
4) leave your current b/f and go back to your hometown, but only if you're 100% that relationship is gonna work out and that you can find a decent job there too (if you're really gonna go back home, don't go before you find a job there).

Why did you and your 1st b/f break up in the first place? What makes you sure that relationship would work?

[Cain]

Regardless of what you decide to do, you need to tell your current bf that you cheated on him.