Parents really dislike my gf (and want me to leave her). What do I do?

[farofa]

Hello LoveForumers,

I have a huge dilemma. Basically my parents (especially my mum), strongly disapprove of the girl that I'm dating (and planning to marry). They really dislike her, and my heart is torn to pieces because of this. We aren't just in a casual relationship, and in fact we are planning a wedding sometime in January or February 2011.

It's a long story, but I'll try my very best to summarise everything as best as I can.

First of all, she and I met (online) in February 2008. I live in Canada and she lives in a country somewhere in Latin America. I'm 25, have a full time job, and she's 21, a law student.
(In case you're wondering: yes, I still live at my parents' house, but before anyone calls me a loser or freeloader, think again. I'm the sole breadwinner in the house, because my dad got unemployed last year due to the recession, my mum is a housewife, and my sister is a busy student with no time for a job. And I have an Asian background, and many of us Asians move out just when we get married.)

In July 2008, I finally decided to visit my gf, for the very first time, and everything went very well. We had awesome times there, and her family loved (and still does) me very much and her parents treated me like a son and showered me with a lot of warmth, attention, and kindness. It was simply the best vacation I ever had in my life.
Up till that point, everything was all good, peaceful, and happy..........but then, the unthinkable happened...

Sometime in late autumn of 2008, my gf and I decided that we would meet again, but this time she would visit me in Canada, in late December, and stay till February 2009. My parents were at first excited about the news. They were anticipating her and were excitedly waiting for my gf's arrival.

In the first few days of my gf's stay, everything was fine, and my parents seemed to get along with her. But after a while, that's when problems started happening (my parents kept their cool and at least pretended to be nice to my gf).

So what happened exactly? Well, let's fast forward to mid-February (1 week after my gf went back to her country). Suddenly my parents called me to a meeting room, and I saw my mum holding a huge list of written items, which apparently were the concerns/reasons of why they dislike/hate/disapprove of my gf. Basically that list was their assessment of my gf during her stay at our house.

While some of my parents' concerns are somehow understandable, I believe many of them are also based on pure ethnocentricism (i.e: they think our culture and etiquettes are superior to any others) and prejudice. I'm an adult, a man, but somehow I feel like she's too paranoid, overprotective, and still thinks I'm her cute little 5 year old boy.

Here are the reasons:

* According to my mum, she once heard that Latin Americans are into witchcraft, and she's afraid if someday my gf and/or her family would put a spell on me or my family. This really really made me angry.....first of all, it's stupid to think ALL Latin Americans are into witchcraft, secondly, my gf is a devout Christian and is NOT into that sort of thing, and thirdly, she's not an evil person with bad intention, and would never do this to me or my family, and fourthly, WHY would she do this to me or my family??!!

* Being a latina, my gf is a very talkative, fiery, and passionate person...she speaks with a loud voice and so much passion and excitement, with a lot of hand gestures. My parents dislike this because they prefer calm people....they felt she was rude and couldn't be interrupted once she started talking, but the truth is, my gf is just a passionate person with a warm personality, and I don't think she meant to hurt or disrespect my parents. She simply enjoyed telling a lot of stories about her country to my parents

* When my gf was staying at my house, at the beginning she used to shower at around 1 AM, and my dad got annoyed because of the sound of the water. But the thing is, that is her habit in her country, and her parents never complain about it. I don't think it's my gf's fault though....it's something that she's been doing all her life, and her parents have no problem with it.....she was just unlucky because the bathroom was near my parents' room, so the noise bothered my dad, but she didn't realise that, since the doors were closed, and she didn't think the noise was that bad.
Being from a tropical country, she is used to showering twice daily, and my parents also complained, suggesting that it's a waste of natural resources.

* We often watched TV together at night...we both would sit in a sofa....I was sitting down, and she was laying down and relaxing at the other end of the sofa, and rested her legs on my legs, which I think is TOTALLY okay.....but my dad always sat near us (he was doing some stuff online, trying to make money from the Internet, at that time), and he felt that was rude, and my mum called her slutty because of that. Note: my gf was wearing long pants, a sweater, and even covering herself with a blanket.

* My gf's past history of (mild) depression. She has hormonal/chemical imbalance, and being a law student, she is always stressed out by her school, and feels depressed since the subjects are pretty challenging (she's a straight A student though). My mum exaggerrates and she told me: "Did you know? after a (normal) woman gives birth, there is a chance she could have what's called post-partum depression. Now imagine your gf, who ALREADY has a history of depression, what could happen after she gives birth? What if she kills the baby and you? Is that what you want?"

* Her dad has hepatitis C, and my mum is afraid if the virus would jump to my gf, and then to me. My mum has a medical background herself, and it's funny that she keeps calling me silly whenever I explain to her that the hep. C virus don't just jump around that easily and is transmitted only through direct blood contact. My gf takes a blood test every 6 months and so far she hasn't been infected either.

* One day all of us went to a restaurant that specialised in roasted chicken. From the very beginning, my gf made it clear that she loved the place, and that she loved the food. But my gf also said that in her homeland, such a restaurant (that only specialises in 1 kind of food) wouldn't be so successful, because people in her country prefer more variety.
So my mum got offended and started saying (with a very angry, evil face) sarcastic things, something like "you know, I educated my children and taught them to be flexible, and to like many kinds of things, and to appreciate differences of other countries......" then when we got home, my gf cried a lot in my room, and she got so hurt by my mum's comment and treatment. And so when I asked my mum why she was so sarcastic, she said it's because my gf's comment was rude and impolite, and that she shouldn't make comparisons between her country and Canada.
Since my gf got upset, she got quiet for a while and just wanted to be with herself for a few hours (she's the moody type). She didn't confront or get rude at my mum or anything like that though.
But my mum seems to have taken it personally and blew it out of proportion. Nowadays whenever she expresses her resentment towards my gf, she keeps bringing up this incident, and keeps telling me how she hates the fact that on that day, my gf got quiet, had an upset face, and made her feel ignored.

Fast forwarding to last night: my mum started an argument again about my gf. Incredibly enough, it was about the same things as what I said above. She basically demanded me to leave my gf once and for all.
I made it clear to her that while I love her no matter what, I sincerely love my gf, and that I have no reason to leave my gf, because we are happy with each other, but she insisted that my gf is bad and would hurt me later on in life. She then went crazy, started yelling at me, threatening that she would cut ties with me if I ever marry my gf. Then this morning when I said bye as I was leaving for work, she just totally ignored me and said nothing.

I'm very upset about everything...I feel really lost too.

Any thoughts?

Thanks so much for reading my (rather long) story!

[Ashbee]

this is a hard one.
How serious are you about this girlfriend? If you are serious there is only one answer and that is move out. Or you will have to say to your family that you are the breadwinner of the house and you think you deserve alittle respect on your choice of girlfriend. Can you see it from their point of view?

[Gigabitch]

Your parents are assholes. I'm sorry.

They'll find fault with any girl you bring home.

[Petit Papillon]

I read it all , so now I just have to answer...
So don't get mad at me but it seem like Your parents are ****ed up!! Their arguments are simply NOTHING. If You will listen to them now, You will listen to their stupid advices always. And I know You will regret that since You really like this girl. I understand if she would be a total slut, rude whore, but she seems to be very nice woman.Your parents just can't stand the differences between their culture and Your gf's .If You really love her,and You don't feel nothing bad, go for it. If Your mum wants to cut the ties,let her do it. Well,maybe Your culture is like that, but since Your parents are the one who are living from Your job,they shouldn't do such stupid problems.... It's really sad that they want to destroy Your happiness. And I can imagine how Your gf felt then... Especially cause she didn't do nothing wrong...Better don't tell her about the things that Your parents are saying. You upset her pretty much with it.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Based on your posts your parents are acting ridiculous. What race are you by the way? Maybe your parents dont want you dating out of your race?

Your mother is very close minded and out of place. I know had it been me I would have ignored her ignorace out of respect but my goodness she is so rude and out of place and damn judgemental. I'm sure she would not like if her mother in law treated her how she is treating your gf.

So yea, what race are you?

[Petit Papillon]

Based on your posts your parents are acting ridiculous. What race are you by the way? Maybe your parents dont want you dating out of your race?

Your mother is very close minded and out of place. I know had it been me I would have ignored her ignorace out of respect but my goodness she is so rude and out of place and damn judgemental. I'm sure she would not like if her mother in law treated her how she is treating your gf.

So yea, what race are you?

He said he's Asian

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Oh I didnt see that lol

[farofa]

this is a hard one.
How serious are you about this girlfriend? If you are serious there is only one answer and that is move out. Or you will have to say to your family that you are the breadwinner of the house and you think you deserve alittle respect on your choice of girlfriend. Can you see it from their point of view?

Thanks for the response Ashbee. I am very serious about my girlfriend, and as I mentioned, we are planning to get married already. Sponsoring someone from another country is a huge, challenging feat, which I am willing to go through because I genuinely love her.

Actually I already did imply to them, that I've always been nice to them all my life, and voluntarily offered my suppor for our family, while waiting for my dad to get another job. But as usual, my mum started acting unfair and told me how I'm supposed to help them anyway, because I am their son, that I shouldn't even tell her about it just to make myself look nice, etc. But then I told her that instead of saying that, she should be thankful to me, because not all sons would be prepared to contribute that much (on top of the $20,000 that they owe me, that they used for their (failed) business venture).

I'm not even making any fuss about the money issue though....I just feel sad that they really dislike my gf to the point that they want me to leave her. I understand that they might've feel annoyed by my gf during her stay in our house, but somehow I find it really strange that my mum could dislike her that much, to the point of asking me to leave her. It almost feels as if my mum were jealous or something.....or wait a minute, may be she is?
Sometimes I just don't understand what goes through a woman's complex mind and feelings. May be any of you females here can clarify?
My mum's sign is a Scorpio though, and I know Scorpions are infamous for their jealousy. I wonder if that plays a role in this.....*sigh*

[Petit Papillon]

Thanks for the response Ashbee. I am very serious about my girlfriend, and as I mentioned, we are planning to get married already. Sponsoring someone from another country is a huge, challenging feat, which I am willing to go through because I genuinely love her.

Actually I already did imply to them, that I've always been nice to them all my life, and voluntarily offered my suppor for our family, while waiting for my dad to get another job. But as usual, my mum started acting unfair and told me how I'm supposed to help them anyway, because I am their son, that I shouldn't even tell her about it just to make myself look nice, etc. But then I told her that instead of saying that, she should be thankful to me, because not all sons would be prepared to contribute that much (on top of the $20,000 that they owe me, that they used for their (failed) business venture).

I'm not even making any fuss about the money issue though....I just feel sad that they really dislike my gf to the point that they want me to leave her. I understand that they might've feel annoyed by my gf during her stay in our house, but somehow I find it really strange that my mum could dislike her that much, to the point of asking me to leave her. It almost feels as if my mum were jealous or something.....or wait a minute, may be she is?
Sometimes I just don't understand what goes through a woman's complex mind and feelings. May be any of you females here can clarify?
My mum's sign is a Scorpio though, and I know Scorpions are infamous for their jealousy. I wonder if that plays a role in this.....*sigh*

Oh I have an idea!!! They don't say that cause they really don't like her!!They are looking for excuses to make You leave her cause if You marry her, they won't have any sponsoring them on and on son anymore! How I hate that!!

PS.Leave that horoscope crap,it's for teenies with small weenies

[farofa]

Based on your posts your parents are acting ridiculous. What race are you by the way? Maybe your parents dont want you dating out of your race?

Your mother is very close minded and out of place. I know had it been me I would have ignored her ignorace out of respect but my goodness she is so rude and out of place and damn judgemental. I'm sure she would not like if her mother in law treated her how she is treating your gf.

So yea, what race are you?

I'm Indonesian, and my gf is Brazilian.

I don't think my mum has any problem with me dating someone from another race though. My sister is dating an Irish/English/Canadian guy and my mum totally adores him and can't wait till he marries my sister.

On top of that, my mum herself has some Dutch blood. Indonesia was colonised by the Dutch for 350 years, and as a result, some mixing with the natives happened. The education system in Indonesia follows the Dutch system as well, and basically my mum thinks that our mixture of oriental/Asian/European educations is superior to any others, and it really upsets me. She thinks that we have the best etiquettes, manners, etc. to which I don't agree at all, as I think each culture has its own pluses and minuses.

I strongly believe that she is ethnocentric (just Google the word "ethnocentricism" and read the Wikipedia entry).

[vashti]

* We often watched TV together at night...we both would sit in a sofa....I was sitting down, and she was laying down and relaxing at the other end of the sofa, and rested her legs on my legs, which I think is TOTALLY okay.....but my dad always sat near us (he was doing some stuff online, trying to make money from the Internet, at that time), and he felt that was rude, and my mum called her slutty because of that. Note: my gf was wearing long pants, a sweater, and even covering herself with a blanket.

I am actually rather surprised you didn't prevent this from happening. I can easily see why this sort of intimacy would make a parent feel uncomfortable.

My mum exaggerrates and she told me: "Did you know? after a (normal) woman gives birth, there is a chance she could have what's called post-partum depression. Now imagine your gf, who ALREADY has a history of depression, what could happen after she gives birth? What if she kills the baby and you? Is that what you want?"

Actually, she is right about this. ^^ I don't know that I'd worry about her killing the baby or you, but the likelihood of her having postpartum depression IS elevated.

That said, the rest of the issues seem minor-to-silly. I mean, if your dad was bothered about the late-night showers, I don't know why he didn't just tell you to ask her to shower during normal hours (and for that matter, I don't know why it didn't just occur to you to ask her without prompting). It seems like many of the issues they had with this girl could have been averted had you spoken up about the household norms to begin with.

I wonder if they simply just didn't like her, and felt the need to concoct reasons? Most of what you wrote was petty nonsense.

[farofa]

. I understand if she would be a total slut, rude whore, but she seems to be very nice woman.Your parents just can't stand the differences between their culture and Your gf's .

Danke schön/dziekuje Pettit-Papillon =).

Well I totally agree with you! In fact I said this very thing to her:

"it's not like my gf is an evil, criminal, drug addict who aims to destroy us! So she's from another culture, and you don't like her habits. So what? Nobody is perfect anyway!"

And you know what my mum said? She said:

"Well I KNOW nobody is perfect. But unfortunately, your gf has TOO MANY imperfections! And yes, I know she is not evil, and if she were, I would've kicked her out of our house anyway, but instead I still treated her with kindness, even though in my mind I was always wishing that she would've left already."

(Yes my mum did treat my gf decently...cooked for her, acted normally and what nots. But all of these were pure acts though. And that disappointed me and my gf, when we found out about this after she went back to her country.)

[vashti]

Did your parents let her stay in their house for her entire vacation? Whoa, that's a LONG time for a stranger to be hanging about. More than a few days, and visitors should be paying rent! I would probably dislike ANYONE after more than a week.

Did your girlfriend help out around the house? What positive effort did she make to try to win your parents over?

[Aeradalia]

I find it ironic how your mother tries to guilt you when she's in such a subservient position right now... she owes you a lot of money and even her very livelihood is dependent on you. If she has the audacity to bite the hand that feeds her... it might be time for you to decide if you need to remind them how things really are --- they're not in control of you.

It's your life... no one can tell you how to live it. All you parents can do is request that you do or do not do something... but they do not control you. So what if they threaten to cut ties with you? Who's having the more beneficial effect on you right now? Your girlfriend or your family? Go where the happiness is...

[Petit Papillon]

Did your parents let her stay in their house for her entire vacation? Whoa, that's a LONG time for a stranger to be hanging about. More than a few days, and visitors should be paying rent! I would probably dislike ANYONE after more than a week.

Did your girlfriend help out around the house? What positive effort did she make to try to win your parents over?

For me the partner of my brother,sister and again if I would have children,their partners too, they aren't vistors,they are family.
We don't talk about 15yo boy Vash, he's a grown up man.And besides,if the girl should pay the rent, not to them for sure, but him.It seems like the parents don't pay a broken cent for living there.
Why You're so negative towards his gf?I don't think that she did anything wrong.
Oh come on, don't say that laying her legs on him is already a
acting like the worst slut ever.You sound so.His father has no reason to react like that.I understand if she was kissing him like crazy,grabbing his butt or something.It was a small show that she's close to him...
Again Vash,we don't talk about a little boy...