Need someone wise and with lots of experience

[littletiger]

Hello,

I am 23 and am dating a 25 year old. I am very fortunate in many aspects, and I guess I just want to know at what point in your life, or maybe what age, do you have to start deciding if the person you are with is the right person? I love my boyfriend of three years and counting. He is smart, funny, ambitious, handsome, and many other good qualities. He, however, also lacks the ability to show genuine care (or just genuinely care) about someone else (me, for example.) I know he cares, but I think I am looking for fairy tale kind of care/love/whatehaveyou.

Back to the point, while he is very rational and planning our future together, I begin to feel and question if I should look for my fairy tale affair or should I buckle down and just "grow up"? I really do love him and have no problem seeing myself with him ten, twenty years from now. But do I try to find the perfect guy out there or should I try to grow with my boyfriend and "mold" him into the perfect guy?

[curiousgurl29]

I'm 29 and there is no point in life or age, sweetie, where you just "find the one". Why do you think there are so many single/ divorced older adults?

What do you mean "he lacks the ability to genuinely care"?? I can't think of anything more important than that! I think you need to articulate that! You've only mentioned qualities that make him sound good for a job interview! You are talking about a HUSBAND here! I would NEVER compromise on my guy's caring nature!! To me that is what makes someone husband material!

[Illusional]

break up with him, and then maybe you'll realize that you have something good. honestly, people tend to over look a good thing when it's right in their face. maybe you need this, but remember, if you're willing to test the waters with your man, he may never return... hey, some fairy tales end in a way that you never expected where the evil step mother wins.


raverboy

[VincenzoG91]

Different people express love in different ways. Your guy might not be kissing and hugging you in public or filling your ears with sweet nothings, but if he is making serious plans for the future with you, that shows more love and respect than you will find from most guys his age.

If you love him and respect him, try to appreciate him instead of trying to change him. And forget the word "perfect." Nobody is perfect. If you spend your life chasing after perfection, you will never be happy.

[ConniptionFit]

Hello,

I am 23 and am dating a 25 year old. I am very fortunate in many aspects, and I guess I just want to know at what point in your life, or maybe what age, do you have to start deciding if the person you are with is the right person? I love my boyfriend of three years and counting. He is smart, funny, ambitious, handsome, and many other good qualities. He, however, also lacks the ability to show genuine care (or just genuinely care) about someone else (me, for example.) I know he cares, but I think I am looking for fairy tale kind of care/love/whatehaveyou.

Back to the point, while he is very rational and planning our future together, I begin to feel and question if I should look for my fairy tale affair or should I buckle down and just "grow up"? I really do love him and have no problem seeing myself with him ten, twenty years from now. But do I try to find the perfect guy out there or should I try to grow with my boyfriend and "mold" him into the perfect guy?

You'll know when you've found the right one. It's when you no longer are asking questions like the above.

This guy is not it.

[girl68]

I disagree with every post except for the last.

Your bf is probably a great guy, no doubting that. But just because he's great doesn't mean he's RIGHT. I can best give advice through my story.

My ex (first boyfriend) was a great, wonderful, sweet, caring, respectful man. I was about 18-19 and he was 21-22 when we started going out. Seriously nicest guy ever! Through the years he was always the nicest guy ever but he was also the one of the most lame guy ever. He didn't kiss me, he wouldn't hug me, wrap his arms around me and proclaim his love, he wouldn't send me sweet messages, give me cute gifts, compliment me, shower me with love and affection; none of that. He claimed I should know that he loves me and thinks I'm pretty etc. But I wanted to see and hear and physically feel it. He didn't understand my needs, I couldn't accept that he wasn't willing to meet my needs. He was still the nicest guy ever just not the right one for me.

I wondered would I ever be able to find such a nice caring man? For years I thought no, so I stayed with him. Through 4-5 years of being together I always wondered if this was the best it got? Was there any other better men matched for me? I was too chicken to dump him for fear I wouldn't find someone else better matched for me. We always without hesitation talked about the future, marriage, kids houses, school... etc. No doubt there was love there but at the end of the day just love wasn't enough. I had needs and he wasn't meeting them.

One day after 5 years of trying to suck it up and stay happy with a great guy but not the guy for me I decided to take the chance to go see if I could find someone better matched for me. Someone who could better show affection, someone who would verbally and physically show his love for me. I am now engaged to marry the guy I'm really supposed to be with the guy who meets the needs I was previously missing.

So my vote is: dump him. He's a great guy no doubt but that doesn't in any way mean right for you.

[girl68]

ETA: I agree there is no perfect but when you're doubting and worrying that's a bad sign. My guy isn't perfect but my needs are being met.

[98db]

I had needs and he wasn't meeting them.

I am the guy that showered my Ex with affection, sweet messages, cute gifts, and numerous other small gestures. I made sure she knew every day that I cared about her and that she was the most important person in my life. Unfortunately, she was not able to do the same and I started getting frustrated with what eventually became a one-sided relationship.

Girl68 is right. It really comes down to needs that you have and is this person going to meet those needs. Whether that person can't or simply just won't doesn't really matter. You can either accept that or move on.

[Boisdevie]

If he's not giving you what you need in terms of emotional support then your relationship will not work. It really is that simple.

[bulrush]

If he's not giving you what you need in terms of emotional support then your relationship will not work. It really is that simple.

Yep. If you have 2 quirky people who are arguing most of the time, but meet each others' needs, they will probably stay together, because in the end, they say they are sorry, and make up.

There are whole books written about what men and women need (their needs are often different, but there are exceptions). Most men need physical affection, like sex. Most women need emotional affection: tell her you love her, tell her she's pretty, she's a good cook, good mother, etc. Buy little things for her that show you are thinking of her. That kind of stuff. But there are exceptions.