Understanding

[WARDOG]

Hi guys, some what new here and been searching the net for advice and found your forums.

I have been in a long distance relationship for coming on 5 years now. I'm a male 46 years old, and she's a female 36 years old.

We recently broke up, the decision was hers, here is my story, it's a long one sorry.....

We first met through the Internet one day and became interested with each other and started chatting. We had mutual interests in online gaming and things started great, we chatted all the time for 5 to 6 months. We soon became best friends. One day after 5 or 6 months we decided to take a chance and meet, so I flew out to see her.

Well it was love at first site, we already took the time to know each other emotionally online, so this started very well. I would stay for two to three weeks at a time and did this twice a year for close to five years with her, it was some of the best times of our lives. We always had good times when we were together, but online when your back home becomes a bit stagnant over the years because your not physically there with them.

I'm the type of person that commits to some thing and does not turn back, no matter how long it might take, our relationship seemed to go very well, but we did have a few disagreements when apart online. These never turned out to be huge ordeals, just minor things, I was always being blamed for, she's a feisty french girl from Ottawa and lets minor things bother her that most people could talk together about and work out, like a frustrated tone of voice she would take as insulting, not a yell, even though she did the same , it just didn't bother me as much as her, some things I needed to work on, so did she, but we never had yelling matches, and for the most part the relationship was strong.

I tried my best to make her happy, supported her when her parents passed away, listened to her the best I could, admitted I was wrong when I wasn't, I have a huge heart, I would do anything for her, but in the end this was not good enough for her.

I know 5 years is a long time, we were always firm on being faithful to each other during our relationship and neither cheated on each other, and we did discuss about getting together and getting married some day, but nothing was ever firm.

I wanted to ask her this year to marry me, but what held us back was this dam economy and our financial situations. She brought this up when she broke it off with me, along with the minor things in our relationship, she became distant from me before the breakup, less talkative when we were online at home apart, I should have seen this coming but love is blind some times.

Some other clues she sent to me when we talked on line at the time of the breakup ...

She says she has less feelings for me now
She was in her prime
She felt trapped,
Didn't think it would work because of distance anymore
She was fantasizing about other guys,
Wanted to get out more with her friends, which I never disagreed with her or stopped her, when we were together.
She says it would probably be best for us both at this time.

She said she was thinking about it for 6 months, yet she never came and talked to me about it, we were best friends and lovers, she never complained when together. Then suddenly she broke up with me before I was planning to come see her. We were both crying when we were talking and I just couldn't accept it, I told her I would move there just to be with her, and endure any hardship. She said it was to late.

What I get from the breakup, is that she simply want's to get laid without cheating. The other stuff I think is just excuses to break free to do this. I cant say I blame her because of the distance and time apart, and her age, she's lonely, and it breaks my heart because of the financial dilemma to get together. I know she still love me, but maybe she just didn't love me enough, or her will caved in to peer pressure from her friends

And so, here I am a broken hearted idiot for getting into this in the first place, although I do not regret any of our time together.

We have talked very little since a week has gone by. We sent basic short emails a few times, she is broken up over hurting me and want's to stay friends, said it's tearing her apart and hopes I understand, I said I am having a very hard time with this and told her so...

Hi ****, just want to say that being just a friend now is complicated for me. It will depend on how I feel about it down the road.

However if you want to talk some time, you know how to get a hold of me if I'm around.

Just taking and giving space right now, to analyze myself.

****

So what does a big hearted guy like me do, I'm confused, devastated, angry and everything else. I feel like all my invested love, time, and patience with her feistiness, is a waist.

Some thing inside says she still loves me, let her have her fling and fun, she will be back when she starts to miss me.

Some thing inside also says let her go for good, it's her loss.

Should I remain friends when she is just interested in herself at this point in time, this will be very hard for me to deal with.

My instinct says maybe try, but if it starts to hurt to much put it to rest. Then again, why give her a reason to feel better about it and move on, not that I enjoy seeing her hurt.

It's only been a week so I am not quite sure how to proceed except continue to not contact her much at all at the moment, and get busy with life. Getting her back would be great, I just don't know why she suddenly broke it off without discussing things first.

Maybe i should just let her go because I love her so much, no matter how much it hurts, it would probably be best for us both at this time. Im not sure if she even really cares still.

I just don't know

[vashti]

we did discuss about getting together and getting married some day, but nothing was ever firm.

I wanted to ask her this year to marry me, but what held us back was this dam economy and our financial situations. She brought this up when she broke it off with me,

She says she has less feelings for me now
She was in her prime
She felt trapped,
Didn't think it would work because of distance anymore
She was fantasizing about other guys,
Wanted to get out more with her friends, which I never disagreed with her or stopped her, when we were together.

It sounds like you waited too long to figure out the living arrangement and marriage, and she gave up waiting on you. Five years of long-distance is rarely a positive thing when a woman is 36. After 5 years, the polish has worn off the apple, so to speak, and there was no commitment to bind her to you, nor even the face-to-face communication that is needed to cement a relationship. Also, after 5 years, she was right to be worried if being married and having a family was part of her goals because her biological clock is ticking.

[WARDOG]

Yeah, my first thought, although she isn't interested in having kids at all.

I still think we could have done it, but she was more impatient than I.

I have read stories of lots of people who waited a lot longer so it can be done. I guess she wasn't one of them, and I thought if you truely love some one you would make it work within a discussed reasonable amount of time to achieve the goal, but I really do understand this.

What about the friend thing, should I keep it? Perhaps down the road if things get better for us financially this could be rekindled if she's not taken, or do you think she's done, ladies?

[vashti]

I wouldn't.

BTW - I think a lot of people would consider 5 years of dating is more than reasonable.

[starbuck]

In total agreement with Vash here. You said she wanted to break up to simply get laid without cheating, but I'm sensing more that she broke up with you because your relationship lost momentum and stagnated.

5 years is a LONG time to have an LDR, esecially for a 36-year old woman. The fact that she mentioned being in her prime as a reason for breaking up means that she feels like she's running out of time to have her own family. I think she's looking for a relationship that will progress faster than yours and hers did.

I'm 37. There's no way in hell I'd have a long distance relationship right now in my life. LDRs are fine for some, but the relationship doesn't really have a chance to progress until you close the distance.

You might want understanding at this point, but it would probably be better to cut your losses and move on.

[finnman]

I'll echo back everything Vashti said.