how do i play this now? (fairly long read) but please please help.

[bbs301]

hi guys first post so here goes.

me and my ex split up last july after two and a half years, she is everything iv ever wanted in someone. i have honestly never met anyone like her. now i did some foolish things, i never cheated, but got emailed pictures of someones ex... and also she had seen id ben on a dating site on my phone, although, i am not registered on it, and also, wasnt looking for anybody to meet, she thought i wanted to replace her. my reply being that if i wasnt happy id end the relationship, and id sooner meet someone for real, not on the internet. it was a case of i wondered who of my friends was on there while bored at work seeing as so many had spoken about it at that time...

now, since july we have remained close, i did at the start of this year tell he that i wanted to break all contact, and we did for around two months. i asked this of her due to us seemingly never getting anywhere with regards to being together again, although we both acted that way, she occasionally would go out and snog random guys etc, i only got back in touch when her mum contacted me saying how upset my ex was that we had gone our seperate ways.

recent times had been good, and then this past weekend she did it again, kissed another guy when everything had been so perfect and we were on track. wether it makes a difference, i was her first boyfriend ever, her first kiss, her first everything. she had left school young and never really done the whole teenage boyfriends bit. as a result of leaving school early aswell, she has no real friends. i am basically all she has. i know it seems a bit soft of me that i cant hack her kissing someone, but when we are both saying i love you, and want to be together, it just hurts to the core. i cant explain the hold she has on me.

i adore the very bones of this girl, id happily spend forever with her but this is tearing me to bits, i cant walk out of her life knowing just how much she means to me. but cant carry on like i am. she maintains that she wants to be with me and loves me, but is hurt by those things mentioned and also thinks im crazy for not walking away from her after the way she has acted now and again. she maintains she doesnt want anybody but me, but still kisses random guys now and again, maybe its because she hasnt had that growing up stage in her life where you kiss people and have silly relationships, it is afterall what shapes us later on i believe. also she has said i am to give up my hobbies entirely to be with her. i fish maybe one or two nights a week. mostly just one night. but she hates being alone when im fishing.

if it helps, i am 26, she is 23.

i guess i should probably explain her personality as it kind of shows why its so out of character of her. she is kind, caring, gentle, does not swear, treats everyone and everything with equal respect, is very shy, and sometimes quite emotional too. i have always sought to help her confidence levels, by complimenting her, and forever letting her know she is loved dearly. she struggles around my friends a bit and wouldnt come to any of my family get togethers, birthdays etc, even my own.. because she is shy, i never made an issue of this as i didnt want to put her under any pressure, and certainly would never dream of forcing her to. that isnt my style. one night we went for a drink with some of my friends she was in tears in the car, prior to going in due to being so nervous. but she came, but i have never felt so rotten in my life.

she also stopped working in dec 2010 due to being unhappy at work, she has done the odd bit working for her parents but apart from that not alot, she just has time to stew over anything and everything and invariably it makes your mind make everything worse than it is.

i believe the person she was when we were together, is who she truly is. i have never met another person like her in all my life. so genuine and unscathed by others. nothing had gotten to her to make her be a certain way if that makes sense. no bitterness towards anything, no prejudices.

my friends say i need to break contact for a long time so she can see just what i am to her, how much i give to her and they think she will come to her senses. but knowing she has nobody, i find it so hard to leave her, just sat in her bedroom, alone. the whole world needs to experience the real her. she is going to waste and it breaks my heart.

she thinks that things wouldnt be different, that she would be just sat waiting for me to finish my hobbies and then have time for her, this isnt the case, although i did get heavily into the fishing thing, one night a week for say two/ 3 months, there are periods of time where i dont go at all, just recently the last 5 months i havent been once!

i have explained many times that i wasnt fully happy either, and that i want my life to be full of experiences that i have had with her.

[bbs301]

She has been in touch and says that we cannot continue the way we are. To ing and fro ing between almost being together, then something getting in the way. She says that she does love and want to be with me but right now for her it just isn't right. She said she doesn't want to but may have to put her feelings for me aside. She said I will always be her one and that she does see us together in the future.

I said that she knows where I am if she ever feels she wants to sort things out and get back to what we did have.

I told her back in Feb that she needed to go and live her life without me for her to realise what she wants. Maybe now she can see that too. I'm absolutely shocked and heartbroken. Moreso because she said it and not me. I want to have the rest of my life with this girl. I'm just worried she will meet someone she loves like she loves me. I hope she realises that we belong. She said, you've made me love you so much, there is something about you. Let's hope and pray there is.

my friends all think that she just needs space, and this is her way of saying it, thats if i give her enough time and space that she will eventually see whats what. they have all said, i guarantee you she will be in touch.

thanks, and sorry for the long long read. all advice is greatly received

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You put her on a pedestal, so she has no respect for you. I don't even know where to start with you, really. It's just sad to see guys that willingly chop their own balls off. I'd be here all day if I nit pick through this, so I'll just say, she doesn't really like you or want to be with you. The best thing you can do is detach from her, break contact, tell her you want to see some other girls, and she'll probably come running soon. When she does, don't act like you want a relationship with her. Tell her you should be friends with benefits for a little while so you can both see other people if you want to. She'll see you don't care as much, and she'll be drawn back to you. The girl is a slut(no problem with that), so treat her like one.

[bbs301]

I do have her on a pedestal I guess because she is the one I want to be with forever. I know this through having dated girls for 12 years. She makes me feel like I'm on a pedestal too. I thi.k the fact she has kissed other guys and carried on with me is due to her not having that time of life where you go out, drink, party and kiss random people

[Cerby]

You can't make excuses for other people...you really can't. People don't go out and do things because they missed out on it earlier, people go out and do things because they want to. As for the pedestal, absolutely...you put her in a position of being a god to you, you speak of her like she is an angel. She is just a person, and a relationship is about what you want as well.

You haven't really manned up and told her what you want, so instead, she just doesn't what she wants.

[bbs301]

I promise you she's heard exactly what I want from our relationship. She just thought that I was happy as was. I wasn't and when we broke up I told her of the things I wanted different if we tried again. Like her making an effort with family and stuff. She naturally didn't like being told that she had to maybe adjust her situation aswell as I.

[VincenzoG91]

bbs, I'm really sorry to say this, but you are delusional. She sounds like a horrible girlfriend, and you are lucky to lose her. She keeps cheating on you, kissing random guys, and I'm betting that she is a heavy drinker when this is going on. And she hasn't held a steady job in 18 months? Unless she is independently wealthy, that is unbelievably lazy. Or crazy. You can't stay in love with her potential, you need to see who she really is and deal with that crap.

[bbs301]

the kissing of the odd guy has come about since we broke up last july, we werent officially together but may aswell have been given the way we were. she has been drunk when this has happened also you are right vincenzo.

i guess looking back at the start of this thread, i was too hung up on making sure i put across just what she is like. i didn't really give an account of much of the other things that have happened, or rather, perhaps her more selfish side. although ive always put that down to just having nobody, and not really having a regular childhood. we did used to argue now and again, and i have always always stood my ground with her. my account of all of this makes me sound like a total doormat. more often than not her parents would back my reasonings aswell. we have rowed to the point where i have left her for a few days etc and then we have spoken and resolved whatever it was.

as time went on she became more obsessed with the fact i spent time with friends without her, i would ask but she would never come as she was so dead nervous of being around people. even to the extent she said its your friends or me... at the beginning i said, i dont want to spend too much time together, as i dont want us to end up going our seperate ways due to being together too much, i used to see her every other night after work and 1 day at the weekends. then gradually it became more and more as time went on. i actually stayed with her for about 2/3 months straight while paying rent on my own flat.

i think i am starting to see that we did give eachother equal love and care during our relationship, but the last 10 months where we have be going on fine, then shit, then fine. perhaps i've held on to everything we had and although she said all the right things to me, if she wanted to be with me, she would have i guess there can be no maybe in love, its a yes or a no i think. you either do or you don't want to be with someone.

[bbs301]

the more i have sat and thought things through, the more i seem to come to the conclusion that she needs to find out who and what she is. i feel perhaps i was just the first stepping stone for this. looking back they way she viewed some things was just plain odd at times. way off the mark. what upsets me is she goes out with her sister who acts like god knows what, and im worried she will follow suit. she has always said the way her sister behaves is atrocious, and that she disapproves. so i hope she doesnt end up that way.

[growtogether]

the more i have sat and thought things through, the more i seem to come to the conclusion that she needs to find out who and what she is. i feel perhaps i was just the first stepping stone for this. looking back they way she viewed some things was just plain odd at times. way off the mark. what upsets me is she goes out with her sister who acts like god knows what, and im worried she will follow suit. she has always said the way her sister behaves is atrocious, and that she disapproves. so i hope she doesnt end up that way.

What's next now? What do you want to do about yourself?

[Cerby]

the more i have sat and thought things through, the more i seem to come to the conclusion that she needs to find out who and what she is. i feel perhaps i was just the first stepping stone for this. looking back they way she viewed some things was just plain odd at times. way off the mark. what upsets me is she goes out with her sister who acts like god knows what, and im worried she will follow suit. she has always said the way her sister behaves is atrocious, and that she disapproves. so i hope she doesnt end up that way.

Wow, you came here for advice, and since none of it matched your plan, you just tossed it aside. Further, the plan you have is to continue to do nothing and just hope she finds her way back to you.

All you did this entire thread was talk about her, put her up on a pedestal, and then get defensive when told you were doing so. I know people like you, who try to speak for the SO and just assume how they feel and what they think. I like to call those people "unhappy" because they never address themselves, or their relationship to make it a happy place for them both.

Good luck my friend, you're going to need it.

[bbs301]

honestly cerby, i really do appreciate everything that has been given in advice to me from this thread. i really do. i have listened and i keep re reading everything that has been written by you guys. i thought that comment showed id thought some things through. i guess im not actually very good at giving a balanced account of things, the time of starting the thread i was extremely confused indeed, upset and whatever else.

today i have been on the path to keeping my chin up, and telling myself that i am to exopect her never to return. that the ship has sailed and i am to focus on helping myself now. i spent too long trying to keep her happy, and for what? no matter how nice she really is, she hasnt been very kind to me in the long run, whatever the reason for it.

i will not get in touch with her, i will await her to do that, and from then on its a case of i do not expect a realationship for us. what will be will be, and it is her loss if she cant see just how much i have tried to be there for her. i did focus too much on her personality and what she was to me at first i wholeheartedly agree. i think i was trying too hard to put across her positives, purely because id never met anyone like her.

[bbs301]

What's next now? What do you want to do about yourself?

i need to concentrate on me, not her, my hobbies, friends, happiness. she can do as she pleases. she hasnt been very kind, i have been blinded by her words and what she means to me.

[growtogether]

i need to concentrate on me, not her, my hobbies, friends, happiness. she can do as she pleases. she hasnt been very kind, i have been blinded by her words and what she means to me.

Waoow, I see a big difference in your first post and this last one. I feel a different energy, it sounds like you know exactly where you are going with all that! I'm happy for you!

[bbs301]

Don't get me wrong, I mean every word I say about what she means to me. But I know I was the adult in the relationship. Even her parents at times asked why or how I put up with her. The reason ddid is because she means that much to me, I do want us to be together as per my gushing posts to start with.

When I made that first post it was just after her texting and saying what she said. But I know I need to put her out of my mind to be able to get on with my life. If she doesn't put me out of hers and comes back, then some serious talking needs doing with regards to what needs to change. I love this girl to the very core. But life cannot progress as we.were. she needs to grow up and learn that yes you may get hurt, but you out that aside if the person means enough to you.