Is he really into me or am I a convenience?

[nautire]

Hi.

I was losing my mind over a guy who I have known for about 2 months but only seen 3 times! I am not sure what's got over me.

He was very loving with his texts and his attitude and also when we saw each other, giving the impression that we were both falling for each other the same. But then, suddenly, after 7 weeks, he backed off and told me that I was too full on and he was not looking for a serious relationship and he wanted to keep things simple but did not know if it was possible.

He also gave me a lot of mixed messages, like he felt something very strong for me at the beginning (after I said I felt something strong for him) and when he was backing off he said I was not his type of personality.... Amongst many other.

We also didn't have a straight forward start. We met in a dating site and there was something about him (as I saw him in his picture) that make me feel I had to meet him (he did not look extremely handsome or anything like that). We started talking almost straight away (I approached him) and he gave me his number that same day. We started talking in whatsapp and we agreed to meet on Sat the week after we met in the site. Then, 3 days before Sat, he stopped sending me messages and replying to mine or did not pick up the phone. I sent him a message in facebook asking him if he was alright, but did not get an answer.

I deleted all his details, blocked him on whatsapp and facebook and forgot about him. A week later, he sent me a whatsapp message saying that he was sorry, that he suffered from depression that came and went and blablabla. I replied and said I was sorry for him and that we all had some sort of emotional difficulties. I offer to meet again and he said that I was a nice person and that yes, he would like to meet. Then we kept writing nice messages to each other and met in a park. We liked each other straight away and he disclosed that he was also embarrassed because he was a bit broke and could have not invited me to anything. I said to him that I did also offer to meet in a park and I really did not mind how much money he had, I cared about the person. We had a first kiss in the park and we both really liked it and agreed to meet again in three days time. We met at mines and we made love and it was incredibly intoxicating (as in high like a kite). He was very loving after that, his attitude, his texts, everything... but theeeeen, guess what? He disappeared again three days before we were due to meet again in a weeks time!

Apparently, his reasoning was that I was too full on:
- I was complimenting him about how he would make a good father (he has a 12 year old daughter and I have 3 children under the age of 7; he did say he wanted a boy after he had his daughter, but due to his ex wife having mental health issues, he decided not to, but stayed with her for 10 years - she became pregnant with the daughter after 6 months in the relationship), but he would also compliment me as being a good mother... He said in this sense that he was scared of rushing things as he did with his ex and all went wrong with her;
- He miss-understood me before we were due to meet the third time and thought I wanted to introduce him to my family, but in fact he made me think he was ok with meeting them cause I already told him that my family was staying with me and he suggested to come to mine!... Anyway.
- Also, I suggested to go to the cinema and to invite him for this 3rd meeting, and he said ok, but then told me (when I managed to resume contact) that he was still embarrassed for not having money.
- There are more stuff, but I can't remember. It was all like the examples above.

I again deleted his phone number and blocked him, but I was struggling cause I was already falling for him so I wrote to him another facebook message saying to him that I really missed him and I really did not mind he did not have money and blablabla. He texted me and said that he had wanted to contact me but again felt embarrassed for the money thing, concerned that I wanted to have his child (what!) and wanted him to meet my family (what!), etc etc. He said he would love to see me again and again, but keeping things simple. I said I could do that and then arranged to meet at his. In between, he was again very loving with his texts and sexually naughty (making requests of pictures and so on). We successfully met a couple of days after resuming contact and made mad love (it's been a long time since I click with someone in bed and when we talk). Then his daughter started to call him constantly after a couple of hours together, demanding that he picked her up even though she was with her mother and they could walk or even take the bus to where the daughter was due to go... Finally, he decided he would pick her up and I said ok. But then, the person who was supposed to be available to pick her up appeared and as I had suggested to go to eat out (I was inviting, obviously), we decided to go. We had a great night (although there was a weird incident with the waitress... it couldn't be any other way!). And now that I am writing it, it is hilarious!!! Hahahaha. Well, I tell you: when she had served the meals on the table, he asked for pepper. She brought one of those huge pepper grounders with a bolt at the top. She put it across her bust and started to ground the pepper. Nothing much was coming out, so he asked her to loosen-up-the-top (meaning the bolt!) and she became all flustered and nervious, and put one hand on the top button of her blouse, repeating nerviously what he had said... hahahaha. He started to sweat from his chicks! Hahahaha. I tell you, nothing is straight forward with this guy.

When we said our good nights, we agreed to meet the next day. Well, guess what???? He disappeared again! Did not answer my texts or phone calls. Finally, cause I called him constantly for a good 5 minutes, he sent me a whatsapp message saying that he had had a bad day with his daughter and could not stand the drama of relationships and that was why he had left his ex-es... blablabla.

Anyway, we exchanged a few messages in whatsapp for the following week or so and he was just telling me that he did not want a serious relationship from the beginning, that we were like a married couple (????!!!!) and I was not his type of personality but I was a good person and I would find someone normal (and much more like that).

Then, 3 days later I texted him and said I could not stand normal and I liked weird guys like him. He replied and said "me too" (I supposed he meant he could not stand normal either) but could not deal with the drama that seemed to come with relationships and it would be really nice if we could keep things simple, but he was not sure that was possible. I asked him what that meant to him so that we could get to an agreement... but no answer. I wrote to him for another 3 days with no answers at all.

On the 4th day, I sent him a last message apologizing for pestering him and wishing him the best... He replied the next day apologizing for not getting back to me recently and clarified what keep things simple means to him: SEX! Hoorey! I get answers. I am planning to leave him in limbo with his last message (3 days ago he sent it) and see what happens.

Lastly about him, he has recently dissapeared in facebook (which he only joined in Jan this year and said he was not too keen on it anyway) and his phone has the following automated message when I phone from any number: sorry, calls are not currently being connected to this number. Although I can see that he goes into his whatsapp (cause of the "last seen" status) and my messages are being delivered (which both clues mean he has not blocked me in whatsapp). He also seems to enter whatsapp when I have sent him a message mainly, otherwise he does not seem to touch it.

Just to clarify, I went on a dating site to have fun too! (ie sex). But I fell for this guy. Why? I don't know...

It is so difficult to find someone who moves your bones... I think that is what I find hard, to let go of that feeling.

I am now a bit more detached and see that he is not so charming after all. He's behaviours towards me are very undignifying. But I have hooked up with other guys before him and after, and had sex with them, and it feels nowhere near how it felt with this guy. Also, the quemistry is not there with the other guys whilst it was with him.

I will appreciate a man's point of view.

Thanks!

[Wakeup]

I deleted all his details, blocked him on whatsapp and facebook and forgot about him. A week later, he sent me a whatsapp message saying that he was sorry,

If you blocked him and deleted him then how did he get through to you on "whatsapp?"

[nautire]

To be honest, I can't remember exactly how it went now. Probably I only deleted his number.

[Wakeup]

but only seen 3 times!

so you had sex with him three times and now you have obsessed over someone that has clearly told you that all he wants is sex but because you have been hounding him and making it clear that you have potential to boil his bunny, he's trying to disappear on you. Hint: His number he gave you was for a disposable telephone that he's disposed of.

Is he into me or am I a convenience?

I think you're more trouble then convenience and no, he's not that into you because he likely has more options then to take a chance on someone who is going to cause drama after three interludes.

The lust will dissipate as you continue on with zero contact.

*This is a duplicate of your other thread where, like here, you don't need to be a man to see the forest for the trees.

Good luck in your next adventure in dating.

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I am planning to leave him in limbo with his last message (3 days ago he sent it) and see what happens.

Its been well over three days since you wrote your other thread. So what did you see happen?

[nautire]

And what is exactly the drama I am creating here?

[Wakeup]

He wanted a sexual relationship without someone hounding him to keep coming back. He'd come back when it was your turn but you kept calling him and inserting yourself in his life in some way and that's not what he wanted. He was clear from the beginning.

You hounded him instead of letting him call the shots. If you played it cool, you could have called the shots but made it look like he was the one doing it. Instead you kept pursuing him and making him wonder wtf you were so persistent about after three times in one anothers company. He could see the writing on the wall that you were going to make it difficult for him when/if he didn't have the time for you He didn't want that. Hence the: "We're like a married couple" or whatever the comment. At least that's what I think happened. You were demanding of him. People who only want sex don't need or want demanding men/women bugging them about when you'll see them again. They want "no strings attached."

[nautire]

Play it cool?

[Wakeup]

Are you capable of not pursuing to the point that you're a distraction rather then an attraction?

[nautire]

Good point ;-D

The issue with this guy is that he does not talk/communicate much, but ignores/disspears instead... That, I find it very difficult and that is why I hounded him, cause I wanted answers. Now that I have answers, I am a lot more relaxed. Also, I have not been in the game for 10 year! It is difficult to get the right balance.

Another thing that I have identified since no contact is that I get very lonely and burdened with being the only one responding for the children, so I probably dropped all my desires on this guy (wrong!).

I can see now, when I put myself in his skin, that if I just met a guy and he was chasing me in that way, it will soffocate me. The difference is that I will clearly communicate to get the person off my back. But by ignoring/dissapearing, you run the risk of being chased. In fact, I asked him if he had done the dissapearing act on other women and he said yes. I asked him if they chased him and he said with a nervious giggle "a few".

The reality is that in sexual terms, he exceeds most guys I have come accross, so I do want to keep his sexual companionship. Do you think is too late for that?

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Are you capable of not pursuing to the point that you're a distraction rather then an attraction?

This is basically what he's done to me, right?

So you suggest that I stop leading on contacting him and let him "call the shots" to a point where he is more desperate than me to get replies (or something like that...)

[Valixy]

It is so difficult to find someone who moves your bones...

He moved your bones but he'll break your spirit...It's obvious that you can't play his game. You've already fallen for him and can't have a purely sexual relationship, when it suits him and how it suits him. It really isn't worth it anyway, losing your head over a guy who only wants sporadic sex, fighting yourself, longing for more, trying to adjust to much less, not enjoying anymore your responsibilities for the children and feeling like an emotional wreck most of the time. It would only be worth it if you'd be looking for an emotional disaster instead of a healthy positive companionship that could really make you feel good about yourself, and not simply play a little seduction game then drop you.

You should learn to recognize your emotional limits, respect them and avoid intoxicating relationships that will only make you feel very weak and troubled and will even make your children pay a price when they've done nothing wrong. They need a strong happy mummy who takes good decisions for herself, is loved and respected, not played around like a silly puppet.

[Wakeup]

The reality is that in sexual terms, he exceeds most guys I have come accross, so I do want to keep his sexual companionship. Do you think is too late for that?

You have children. Do you want their mother (that's you) to be a depressed former shell of herself? This man is playing you. He has gotten you so worked up, so anticipating more bedroom antics with him that you are, for sure, without a doubt, going to become with zero self esteem. This guy is going to steal your joy one fk-and-disappear at a time.

You are incapable of having a sexual only relationship with him. That much you've learned but you just refuse to acknowledge. Find someone you can have a good sexual relationship that won't fvck with your head like this one is doing. Seriously, if he ever contacts you again a few weeks down the road when he's between broken women, when he's rotated his harem and it's your turn, you'd be wise not to respond. You're too emotionally naïve and desperate. You made a bad choice going for a sex only relationship after coming out of a 10 year dating absence. You're like a volcano that just blew.

[nautire]

Hahahahahaha, that made me laugh. Good point. I have learnt ( I went through that precise conversation with a friend two days ago) that I can't separate sex from love as I used to 10+ years ago. So, this guy is a no no.

[nautire]

Finito. Last night I sent him my very last message and told him that what goes around comes around, so if he wants to treat women like sexual dollies, all good and well, but he got with his wife what he deserved... I am now talking to another guy in the dating site and see what comes out of it. Hopefully, I will be a bit more prepared... It's all trial and error ;-D

[michelle23]

Your coming across as awfully desperate. Why are you so into this guy? Hes emotionally unavailable, playing the field, using you, could even be married still but you are not seeing the red flags.. why are you not running away from him??

If it were me, I would have blocked him completely the first time and I never would have slept with him

[nautire]

Yeah, ok. So the guy likes desperate women??? I said I have finished with this and I am moving on trying to hook up with other guys. But this time I know a bit more about myself, my feelings, my priorities and I am being clearer to these other guys, as well as more cautious. I have been out of the game for 11 year! I have lots to learn about me, even if that is that I am desperate and why.

Don't you think so?

Give some credit for something...

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Give some credit for something...

Give me some credit for something...